just Jill.

when the forsythia blooms...

2012-03-20T23:45:00.002-04:00

jay thinks that it should be a title of a book, when the forsythia blooms. instead i use it for the title of the post but cannot claim to be the originator of the phrase. i just like it.

summer was most likely my favorite season growing up as a kid for obvious reasons - off from school. even when you are no longer enrolled in any sort of education, summer still has its draws. there is something about it that feels a bit more relaxing. even when i was working and my sisters (both teachers at various points) were off for the summer i still felt much of the summer vibe.

but over the past few years i have discovered my love of spring. i think it probably started in college. i went to school in michigan - grand rapids, michigan to be exact. i am not sure if it is an accurate claim but much of the dreary and depressing weather of grand rapids from october-may is blamed on the "lake effect". or maybe that is just what all of the snow is explained by. regardless, grand rapids is a pretty gloomy place, in terms of weather, from what i remember lasting from mid-october till just about the beginning of may. i don't think i am exaggerating too much. the winter felt very long even when it wasn't snowing. i became aware of seasonal affective disorder in psychology and it quickly made sense to me - i felt down because of the lack of sun and green nature.

then spring came. commons lawn regained its lush, dark green color. the tulips (this is the land of the dutch, you know) bloomed. trees budded leaves and flowers. the sky more frequently rid itself of gloomy clouds and let the sun shine through its blueness. spring came and my spirits were renewed.

i believe my first post-college job at the nursery further developed my love of spring. partly because i loved returning from a winter of unemployment (the bittersweet reality of seasonal work) and getting back to work in mid-march. but also, we received delivery after delivery of beautiful, sweet-smelling, colorful plants. star magnolias, kwanzan cherries, chinese dogwoods. azaleas, lilacs, andromeda. and of course, forsythia.

as i drive around now, or on bike rides or walks, i notice the increasing colors. i take in the scents of spring. especially today, walking through the hundreds of cherry trees (many of which have started to bloom), i notice my mood shift. i start to walk a bit lighter. i hold my head up more often. yes, i feel myself become more "jill"...when the forsythia blooms.

self-checkout

2012-03-14T08:54:00.002-04:00

unless i have a shopping cart full of items (and by "full" i mean, more than 15 individual items), and so long as it is offered, i always use self-checkout at stores. part of me loves the role of the cashier - moving things down the conveyor belt...which doesn't really exist on the self-checkouts, but i can pretend...finding the bar code on an item and scanning it, bagging it strategically so that nothing gets damaged or spoiled. when we were young we had a toy cash register that i just loved. i remember rummaging around the house for things to scan at the "store". part of me chooses the self-check out to be faster. but who am i kidding, it is never faster.

the majority of the time, my self-checkout register gives me enough problems to make the whole process unenjoyable and much longer than it needs to be or would be if i just went to a cashier. the worst is when you have a problem, it requires the help of an employee, and no one is anywhere to be found. then finally, minutes later, one shows up. they simply enter a code and the "problem" is solved. (mind you, there never was a problem - the machine just chose to act up even though i scanned the item properly and put it in a bag as required)

but sometimes i am reckless, in a rush, and don't follow instructions (i had this problem as a young elementary school student too). the other day i was purchasing a single item - parchment paper for my baked sweet potato fries to be placed on in the oven - and it took many minutes more then it should have. the scanning process went just fine. it was the purchasing that took time. i swiped my card, enter the pin number, and the screen just kept freezing on the authorizing screen. meanwhile the checkout screen said to wait for an attendant. like usual, the attendant was nowhere to be found. finally one appears for a few seconds, does something, tells me to use my card. right away i think, yea that is what i have been doing. but i figure he adjusted something to allow it to work. same thing. authorizing. wait for an attendant. the boy is long gone and no one else is around. i push the help button finally in desperation. a women comes by to help. she does the same thing as the first boy, only she continues to explaining to either scan my a&p card or hit the no button. this is what he meant by use my card. seeing as a have an a&p card on my key chain, i swipe away and proceed with success to checkout. if i had just gone to a cashier i probably would have been home already at this point.

there is one thing i forgot to mention. something i am quite proud of. i used to shy away from using self-checkout if i had a produce item to purchase. the thought of weighing it and knowing the code and such intimidated me. i no longer live with this fear. some stores provide a station in the produce section where you can enter the code, weigh it and a sticker will be printed that has a bar code for scanning. but at other locations i simply go to the self-checkout, place the item on the scanner to be weighed, and enter the product code number. if it isn't on a sticker on the item, i simply look it up. though to be honest, there is always a part of me that is afraid i might enter the wrong code and get undercharged and that suddenly some cashier or employ will come after me for the unpaid cents.

amen.

2012-03-08T12:35:00.004-05:00

in case you missed jay and my first dance (oh wait, or perhaps you weren't invited...), i just wanted to share the words with you. nothing fancy, but beautiful in it's simplicity and truth.

We will have love
We will have pain
There will be days and days and days that feel the same
We will have fear
We will have joy
And maybe little girls and little boys

We will have friends
We will have peace
There will be nights of lights and music 'til you sleep
We will be strong
We will still break
We'll live through so much more than we can take

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

We will have hope
We will have doubt
There will be memories we could never live without
We will have tears
But there will be grace
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

In the sun or the storms
The flood or the flames
When everything's wrong, and I'm the one to blame
In heartache or hope
I swear I'll say, I'll say

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

good intentions...or are they?

2012-03-01T22:55:00.002-05:00

"i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do. and if i do what i do not want to do, i agree that the law is good. as it is, it is no longer i myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. for i know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what it is good, but i cannot carry it out. for i do not do the good i want to do, but the evil i do not want to do - this i keep on doing." (romans 7:15-19)

paul says it so perfectly. good and sinful nature cannot coexist. they are constantly at war with each other. sadly, it is our sinful nature that wins much of the time. and the few times that i actually do do good, that is pure grace. it is of God, not of me.

so often i fool myself into thinking that i have good intentions. good intentions that get derailed by sin. but really, sin is at the root of it it. i am not sure that even my intentions are good - unless God is at work i me through the Holy Spirit.

i think of myself as a good person. in fact, too often i think of myself as a great person. i am kind and caring and giving and generous. even loving at times. but come full circle, and what are my intentions in being so? i do it to win people's favor and affections. i do it pridefully so that others like me and think well of me. i am kind and caring and giving and generous...and even loving...for myself. not that i would otherwise intend harm or be mean to others - but i don't often do it purely out of love, Christ-like love, for others in order to glorify God and further His kingdom.

without Christ i don't even have good intentions. i am not great, or even good. i am just sinful nature with pride and selfish ambitions. i am thankful for grace and mercy and the chance to have life in Christ. i am thankful for the sacrifice He made for me, an utterly sinful being, so that i might live. not only that, i am thankful for the work of the Holy Spirit in me to help me grow and stretch and one day become holy because of Christ. i pray that my thankfulness and my realization of how sinful i am take over my life and be transformed.

You are good, You are good

when there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

on display for all to see

You are light, You are light

when the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world

forever reign

(forever reign - hillsong)

it always comes down to these three words: faith, hope, love. it always comes down to the work of the Trinity: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

grace is enough.

2012-02-26T22:51:00.002-05:00

i have a confession: sometimes it doesn't feel like grace is enough (i hope i am not speaking sacreligiously....if that is even a word). sometimes i feel like i need a little more. more from God. sometimes it doesn't seem like enough to get through struggles.

in actuality, i do need more. but it isn't that His grace and love isn't enough. rather, it is me who has not realized (or accepted) His grace and love enough. and as a result of that realization, need to extend it more.

i suppose it is an endless, lifelong lesson - realizing and accepting this grace. i hope and pray that each day i grow more and more in God's grace. i hope and pray that those around me can also grow in that, and that God may use me to help them grow.

calvin college has a sunday night service on campus called 'LOFT': living our faith together (or today?). when i was there, every service ended in singing a song with these words...a benediction...

my friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior

my friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ

to God be the glory

now and forever

now and forever, amen.

to God be the glory

now and forever

now and forever, amen.

i pray that we grow in grace, together.

poetry, love, and a snowgirl

2012-01-22T21:54:00.005-05:00

unfortunately i seem to have lost the cord that allows me to download photos from my camera to the computer. i was holding off on sharing this blog post until i had found it. i cannot find that cord anywhere. therefore, i have to proceed without the proper photos to complement the words. imagine them as best as possible.

tonight we had a special guest at youth group. a woman named jill who is a reformed pastor and also poet who has been friends with denise for about 15 years. it was an interesting and different experience in which she shared some poetry, talked about her love of poetry, and gave us time to write some of our own. though she doesn't write overtly "Christian" poetry, she often has underlying themes and a faith perspective that a fellow disciple can pick out. when she challenged us to write some of our own, she guided us by encouraging each of us to write about faith, hope, love, trust or charity - to follow up a beautiful and poetic reading of 1 corinthians 13. although the "love chapter" is not about marriage or romantic love specifically (as she pointed out, it is actually about spiritual gifts), i chose to begin writing my poetry about love as it related to my snowy saturday.

love is oblvious to below freezing temperatures

creating a snowman with fluffy, light, unpackable snow

molding and shaping frozen slushy ice buckets into round stackable balls

chiseling out sockets for russell stover chocolate eyes

searching and scrambling the house for red string smiling lips

with numb gloveless hands and a sniffy dripping running nose

refusing to give up when the head crumbles to pieces

not settling for anything less than perfection

all for the joy and desire of his soon to be bride

(since the photos are not accessible at this point, imagine a snowgirl - we thought it looked like a female because of her "hips" - that is somewhat smaller in stature, standing on a bench by a tree. she has oak tree twig arms, a carrot nose, a brown north face winter hat, a green fashionable scarf, red string lips in the shape of a half smile, and russell stover chocolate eyes. she is...was...beautiful. i will add the photos as soon as i find a way, or the cord)

amazing grace.

2012-01-19T23:04:00.002-05:00

how very cliche of me, i realize that. but there is nothing cliche about grace.

we who speak "christianese" use the word very frequently. we can even define it (and by define, i mean recite a sunday school or catechism learned explanation of it). we experience grace all of the time, every day, over and over again. yet, despite how often we talk about grace, it is often something that we struggle to truly grasp and recognize. worse yet, we (and by we, i mean i) fail to realize and admit how much we need grace.

most of the time, i do not realize how much grace i need and how often i need it. i walk around thinking i am doing a pretty good job at life, feeling as though i am a pretty good person. false. i am constantly sinning and struggling and the very thought that i feel so comfortable with myself shows that i am sinning. pride. pride needs grace.

last night, jay and i watched our netflix rental. to be completely honest, neither of us were completely in the mood for it. in fact, it had been mailed to us several days before and we had put it off until last night (in our defense, we are pretty busy these days and don't always have time to sit down for a 2-hour movie). but normally we are pretty quick to jump on whatever movie shows up. we both admitted, though, that we probably wouldn't ever quite get in the mood for it, especially not at the same time. 'the passion of the Christ' isn't exactly a sit back and relax kind of movie. but we watched it last night anyway, and it was just what i needed.

the thing is, i need to watch it every day. i'd like to be able to say that the impact of watching it last night lasted into today. but that would be a lie. i am very selfish today...and every day. but especially lately. i am in dire need of grace today.

thankfully, Jesus died once and for all for my sins. based on the visuals i saw last night, grace is very amazing. how He loves.

those around me have shown me an incredible amount of grace lately too. i am thankful for that. i am thankful that God's grace overflows into them so that they can pour it out on me. i pray that the love and grace of Christ so overflows the cup in my life that i can grow in my abilities to reflect it to those around me.

a '30 by 30' update...

2011-12-14T15:43:00.003-05:00

my oldest sister recently emailed me a very simple email. she demands a '30 by 30' update. now i have to confess that as a result of my engagement and wedding planning and being distracted by other things, i was ready to throw the list out. some of the items just don't really apply or just may not be practical. but, the genius that i am (ahem, don't take me seriously), realized that i could revise the list and make it more applicable to my current situation. for example, number 14 on the list previously stated "move into downstairs bedroom". well, unless jay plans on moving in with the folks and i, then this really is not a necessary item. number 13 really doesn't seem like something i want to do right now either (get a haircut, not just a trim) seeing as i want my hair long for the wedding. so i am working on revising it. but in the meantime, let me share with you the progress/revisions that i have made thus far.

1. visit a new country (the original list said to visit a new state, but as a result of the wedding i am thinking bigger and realized that the honeymoon location possibility is likely to get me to a new country)

2. make bbq pulled pork (check, did that on september 18th for september family dinner)

3. learn to play the guitar (this is currently "in progress", but doesn't get much attention - maybe i will allow myself to use my 30th year to do this)

4. go see the mets play at citi field (may also have to be extended for a warmer experience)

5. read the chronicles of narnia (in progress, has been on hold, but will take up again now since they are easy reads)

6. train to run a 5k (will take that up when it warms up a bit - if my husband-to-be can run a half marathon i march, i think i can run 3.5 miles in april/may)

7. bake an apple crisp with self-picked orchard apples (completed with jay's aunt leena on october 14th)

8. picnic in a park, picnic basket and all

9. go to the top of the rocks, top of the empire state building, or top of the statue of liberty

10. make a snowman (let's cross our fingers for some winter snow, otherwise i don't know how i will ever achieve this)

11. take up kickboxing (still debating whether this is reasonable)

12. weekend trip to boston with my sisters (this will wait till the spring)

13. get a hair cut - not just a trim (i just realized that since my wedding is february 11 and my birthday is march 23rd, i could still technically do this...we shall see)

14. move in with jay and make a home that is ours

15. write each of my nieces/nephews a letter for their baby book

16. go to a comedy club - preferably brian regan or kevin james (well, i intended to do this on a date that is now past, but i couldn't justify spending the money at the time. do any of you mind if i ditch out of my wedding reception on the 11th to see brian regan in AC? i will work on revising this one)

17. learn to make mom's lasagna (completed on october 22nd)

18. ice skate on wollman's rink in central park

19. read through the old testament (i need to revise my reading schedule to fit this in before i'm 30 - i confess that i get off schedule)

20. volunteer time/abilities to a cause or organization (yet to be determined)

21. invite someone to church with me - someone who doesn't normally go

22. write a letter once a month and send one package to my world vision child, yonatan (intend to send a december package)

23. go on a camping/kayaking weekend (i think i can pull this one off, with an extension)

24. get a real philly cheesesteak and spend a day in philadelphia (completed on november 18 - i chaperoned eastern christian middle school's 8th grade class trip and enjoyed a philly cheesesteak)

25. meet up somewhere with friends (val and emo) for 30th birthday celebrations

26. play an entire game of monopoly (completed with jay, frank and erica on august 25th)

27. attend a symphony orchestra concert (went to albany with jay to hear holst's 'the planets' on september 17th)

28. host/coordinate sunday family dinner with my family once a month (currently in progress, having completed september, october and november but taking the month of december off for the holiday)

29. participate and sell things at "spring clean up" family garage sale (i will have to discuss this with the family first i suppose)

30. make dinner once a week for the family (needs revision - i hope i make dinner for jay and i at least once a week, especially after february 11th!)

my prayer for you...

2011-11-03T22:58:00.003-04:00

"for this reason i kneel before the Father,

from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.

i pray that out of His glorious riches

He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

and i pray that you,

being rooted and established in love,

may have power,

together with all the Lord's holy people,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -

that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations,

for ever and ever!

amen."

ephesians 3:14-21

apples are my new favorite fruit

2011-10-12T13:20:00.006-04:00

i have always like apples. even back in elementary school when i went through my phase of not eating the fruit my mom packed me for lunch (this may have gone into middle school even), i always ate my apples. there was a good chance you would find a banana, oranges (sliced or whole), peaches and even grapes in my backpack, but you would never find an apple.

of course i don't like all apples. red delicious apples have nothing positive to offer. unless my opinion of them have become biased based on the apples the college dining hall often provided - so red and whiny, but waxy and mealy tasting on the inside. not worth my time. but offer me a macintosh, golden delicious, granny smith, gala, rome or jonagold and i will eat it.

i have always liked apple picking. the beautiful fall foliage, the crisper temperatures, the apple picking pole, apple cider donuts. what's not to love? add to that the man i love (on his knees), an engagement ring, and a sweet proposal and now i absolutely love apples and apple picking.

not only do i love apples and apple picking, but i love apple cider. this past sunday jay and i were invited to an annual cider day up on middletown, ny to the home and property of his friend jesse's aunt and uncle. for over thirty years family and friends have been getting together on the sunday of columbus day weekend to pick their apples (this year they were mostly picked off of the ground) and turn them into apple cider. it was a beautiful day with delicious food before we headed down to the apple trees. the kids rode down in the old truck, collected apples in buckets, and filled up the back of the bed with apples ready to be pressed. then children (and adults such as jay) took turns turning the contraption which would mash up the apples. another crank pressed the apples down, squeezing out the juice for the cider.

it is harder than it looks...

2011-09-28T14:33:00.003-04:00

it started about a year ago. well, a bit more than a year ago really, but close enough. in august/september of 2010 my boss at the time mentioned that he thought he would be taking his company in a different direction (very different direction, he was thinking he would be closing his business). he brought it up to, more or less, leave the ball in my court and let me decide what i wanted to do with the information. i could stay and work for him part time while either going to school or getting another part time job, or he understood if i wasn't interested in part time and just left altogether. but then mid-september came and he revealed a new plan - he would be closing his company over the next several months and would have to let me go by the end of october.

i would be lying if i said there was not even a bit of disappointment in this news. it left me feeling a bit uncertain of the future. even though i had been experiencing a great deal of frustration and discontent with the job, and was considering finding other work or going back to school, i left feeling a bit vulnerable.

the next few months after my last day (end of october) i spent doing projects, spending time with my nephews and sister, visiting friends in michigan on an extended thanksgiving break, but more importantly in preparation for school. i applied to essex county college in newark with the intention of beginning their associates degree program for physical therapist assistant. i put up with a frustrating (and in my mind incompetent) anatomy and physiology 1 professor while also taking an english 102 class, that felt rather unnecessary for someone with a bachelor of arts degree. but i did it, because it was what i had to do.

once i had a better idea of what my school schedule would be, not only for this fall semester but the long term schedule, i began looking for and applying to jobs. most of them consisted of physical therapy aide positions - i thought it would be a good idea to gain experience in the field in combination with my studies. despite my efforts, weeks and weeks passed and still i was jobless.

the week before school started i felt my anxiety and worries increase. it had nothing to do with my fears of the program itself. i am confident in my ability to handle the academics of the program. but at this point, i was still jobless and becoming more and more aware of the difficulties of working while in the program. i had no option of days/times to take any of the classes. after about a semester, i would have to be either at class or at clinicals 5 days of the week. when would i work? class started on september 6th. by the end of the first day, i was a mix of excitement from learning but overwhelmed at the thought of how i was going to afford it financially. sure there are loans and people willing to lend me money, but how would i afford even my every day bills and expenses of living? so i gave it a week to think about it. i talked with people about it - people who i respect and admire and know have my best interest in their mind. i prayed about it. a week after the first day of class, i had emailed the professor and informed her that i needed to withdrawl from the program for the year.

so here i am - not in school, still unemployed. i have opened up my mind to different types of work. i have looked at and considered the option of either postponing the program for a year (my professor offered to defer it for a year so that i do not have to reapply) or just finding satisfying full time work at a place that i can continue to grow. needless to say, i am still searching.

i know how it must look. i never get the sunday night blues like many around me who have to mentally prepare for the coming of monday morning (at least, not in the same way that they do). i get to flit around with my sister and nephews on various excursions. i read books and practice guitar. i do laundry and clean. i take walks and enjoy the freedom of a flexible schedule (do i dare even call it a "schedule"?)

but, it is harder than it looks. don't get me wrong, i do not mean to sit here and sound like i am complaining. i realize that many of you are spending long and tiresome hours at work each day when you would love to trade places with me at any moment. but it isn't easy for me, not by any means.

i wake up anxious every morning. i pretty much dread having to wake up and think about what i will do that day because i feel as though i need to do something "productive" in order to feel justified in my decisions, in order to feel like a person with purpose, as opposed to what i feel most of the time. i haven't struggled with sleep in a long time, but the past few weeks i have noticed my difficulty in falling asleep. now there seems to also be nightly dreams that are never pleasant or good, not necessarily nightmares per say or bad dreams, but always a reflection of me feeling unsettled and restless and anxious.

i am not complaining. i realize that the past (almost) year has given me a lot of opportunities that i would not otherwise be able to experience. i got to be home all summer just like my sisters when i use to envy them while i was at work. but when it comes down to it, i would trade shoes with most of you. i crave and desire work. i have felt pretty empty without it. i long for routine and habits, that even though they can grow old, provide my days and life with a bit of structure.

i have been patient and i continue to let God unfold His plan for me. i continue to trust in Him and lean on Him for strength.

#27, #2, and part of #28

2011-09-19T11:33:00.008-04:00

it was a busy, stressful yet completely enjoyable weekend. by friday night i was thinking through each part of the weekend and planning it out in my head so that i was as best as prepared as possible. the weekend events may seem minimal and like no big deal at all to most people, but it was more all of the little details involved that i needed to have in line.

saturday began for me at 8am when i woke up. i knew that i had to get up and ready, get my things together for the entire day, get gas and money, and be at jay's place by 9:45 at the late st. his church (savior community church in nyack, ny) was participating in the second annual "not your mama's music festival" with other nyack churches. it just so happened that his church was on first thing, pastor frank leading with electric guitar a set of praise with lauren and matt on piano/vocals and drums. despite jay and i's ability to kill any buffer time (extra time before we need to be somewhere) and be fashionably "late" to most things, we got to the park pretty much just after 10. no big deal, savior CC didn't go on until 11ish anyway. the setting was gorgeous - the band set up in a gazebo at a park with a great wide green lawn with a playground in the back, right along the hudson river in nyack. the tapanzee bridge was in view just a bit south of us. the sun was shining (most of the time). just a wonderful morning and afternoon of music to glorify God through all different denominations, but united in faith in one God. jay cut out for a hair cut for a chunk of the afternoon, but i stuck around playing with kids and in fellowship with others. he returned with some goodies from the italian festival - philly cheesesteak, sausage and peppers, zeppoles. but soon after we had to head out for our next event.

this brings us to number 27 on my list of '30 by 30'. i must confess that when i put this item on the list, it was something i already knew i would be doing. but hopefully i can be excused of this, and not seem like i am cheating, because it is something that i had thought about putting on there and wanted to do anyway. i had been debating about putting some sort of concert on the list, but thought the usual concerts i attend were too typical. it has been years (probably about 10 years) since i attended a symphony orchestra concert.

i grew up with an appreciation for classical music - it is often playing from my mom's car, from our house stereo system, at mama's, but even my aunt jan and uncle steve have contributed to my appreciation for good music. although i wanted to quit playing the violin for some years growing up, my switch to the bass violin gave me continued experience in performing some good classical music. so it is no surprise that gustav holst's 'the planets' would be something i am familiar with. as it turns out, one of jay's favorite musical pieces of all time is jupiter: the bringer of jollity from holst's planets. some time back he made a "bucket list" (a very short one) that included his desire to see the planets performed live. a combination of my love and appreciation for the music, and his desire to experience it live, led to our buying tickets for the albany symphony orchestra.

as it turns out, albany is only a 2 hour drive from us. we left jay's house by 4 and easily arrived at our destination by 6 with time to get some dinner before. right across the street was an irish pub, mc geary's, where we had dinner and played some pinball before heading to the palace theater. my photos do not capture it at all. the outside of it looked like any old theater with some flashing lights and big sign. jay even commented that it reminded him more of a cascino. but as soon as we entered, we walked into a lobby that was quite impressive. gold trim surrounded the place, lots of mural paintings, impressive lighting. it felt like the perfect venue for a symphony orchestra. through the lobby we entered the theater to see most of the orchestra members on stage practicing and getting ready for the concert. for a while we just stood in the back taking it all in but then headed to our seats - row F of the orchestra section, pretty much directly in the center with enough rows ahead of us to put us at a height of inclination that we could see many of the musicians. it is worth paying a little more for these seats, in my opinion, as i like to observe and take it all in as i listen to classical music. my eye frequently falls upon the bass violin section (as i used to play this role in the orchestra), but also to the celloists and percussion - especially the timpany. i am always impressed with the violins of course too and what i could see of the back brass sections.

as we sat down all of the emotions of such an environment flooded over me. i tried to explain to jay how being at places like this for events such as these make me feel very special. i couldn't think of a better word, other than privileged. over the years, my parents have exposed me to different cultural opportunities that i may or may not have appreciated at the time, but now treasure and value and hope to eventually share with my kids someday. i realize that not everyone gets to do the things i have, or not everyone chooses to, but i am grateful for the experiences.

the first two pieces were very enjoyable - the second one featuring an incredible cello sololist that had everything completely memorized. but my excitement and the anticipation lied with the planets. as soon as the lights dimmed again after the intermission, i could feel the goosebumps rising. mars: the bringer of war is the perfect dramatic introduction to the 7 movement piece. i had forgotten how much i loved that piece as well. then venus: the bringer of peace and mercury: the winged messenger. as mercury ended, i knew what was next. jupiter. as a smile fell upon my face, i looked over at jay, who shared my same smile. i love music, but i love live music even more (usually anyway). i love watching it being performed, watching each instrumentalist, watching the maestro conduct, watching the audience observe. i love how i feel inside as i listen. jupiter is a fantastic piece with so many good parts, but i was struck at how much i loved my favorite section. it amazes me the way music can capture emotion and make the listener feel. as i watched the string instruments in unison with their long bow strokes, i could actually feel my eyes well up a bit with tears. in those moments, although there is nothing specifically "religious" about it, my mind came to ponder the awesomeness of God. i thought about His creation and the enormity of the universe - the stars, the galaxies, the planets. i thought about His love a

nd grace and the way He works in my life. this past week i had been reflecting on love (as i mentioned in the previous blog), and in particular the verse from 1 john 4:19, "we love because He first loved us." in those moments as my ears were filled with beautiful sounds, my heart was also full of the beauty of God. it is hard to express in words, but it was overwhelmingly good. upon the silent of the last note of the piece, i noticed the woman next to me in the corner of my eye. i could tell she wanted to clap and was also struck by the performance. then, without trying to seem to obvious, i looked again over to jay to see his reaction. i didn't want to impose too much pressure on his "bucket list" item. but as i looked over at him, again with a smile that i could not nor did i want to contain, his face broke out into the same smile too. whether or not the albany symphony orchestra presented the best performance of jupiter or not, it was absolutely breathtaking.

it seems almost wrong to jump from that to the next accomplishment of my '30 by 30' list, but it must be done. i got to bed around 1am on saturday night after our drive back home from albany. my alarm was set to wake me up at 6am so that i could get up to put the pork shoulder in the crockpot for its 6 hours of cooking. up until this point, i hadn't really allowed myself to think much about this task i had taken on. i hadn't completely acknowledged how inexperienced i was - this being my first time i was going to make bbq pulled pork, but also my first time handling animal meat in such a way. the 8.5 pound pork shoulder just fit into the crockpot while i added some a&w root beer for it to cook in. i went back to bed for a couple of hours before slowly waking up to what i assumed was the smell of cooking meat. i got up to look at it, and proceeded to look at it probably almost every 15 minutes afterwards until i went to church. i don't know what i was expecting to see - obviously not much would change in that time.

after church, i headed right home to begin the next step - the pulling of the pork. i grabbed the shoulder by the bone and began to cut off chunks of the meat in order to pull it a little at a time. it wasn't as easy as i expected, but with some hard work i got the meat to separate a bit. nausea kicked in a little bit - i think it was a combination of smelling the meat, working so brutally with it, being somewhat tired still and my appetite increasing. for a little while, i wasn't sure that i would even be able to eat and enjoy my work. eventually i came to a piece that pulled as perfectly as i expected the whole thing to. liesl arrived with her share of the pulled pork (we both cooked them separately), and we combined our crockpots into one, somewhat surprised at the little amount of meat we got for each of our 8-9 pounders. baby ray's bbq sauce was added and it all started to look a bit more appealing.

with #2 at completion, the rest of our lunch items came together for our first family sunday dinner hosted/coordinated by me, as per #28 on the list. bbq pulled pork, two types of cole slaws provided by kate, sweet potato fries as i requested of mama, and a delicious apple crumb from aunt jan for dessert. it all tasted good, but more importantly, it was another opportunity for us to spend time together as a family.

we love.

2011-09-15T23:54:00.002-04:00

i find it difficult to claim one particular bible verse as a "favorite." there are a bunch that come to mind. of course, it varies a bit from time to time, or based on what my mood or situation is in that moment. so i don't have one particular favorite, per say, but i do like 1 john 4:19. 7 words, that all it is. 7 words that say so much more. "we love because He first loved us." there are so many directions to go with it, and so much within each direction.

relationships are a big part of my life (okay, i know, that sounds pretty simple and obvious - relationships are a big part of everyone's life). Christianity is about being in relationships - with God, most importantly of course, but with others as well. community is a popular word in the context of the church. i am called to be in community and in relationship with those around me - friends, family, even strangers. i am called to love. okay, sure this is pretty easily done. or is it?

i am struck lately by how easy it is to damage relationships. more than that, i am becoming more and more aware of how often my sins, my faults, my failures, my weaknesses, get in the way of building and developing relationships. for me it is pretty easy to love someone. let me rephrase that. it is pretty easy for me to have feelings of love for someone. it is extremely difficult for me to express and demonstrate selfless love for others. sin always creeps in and corrupts what is meant for good.

i know this all sounds simplistic and obvious. but, i am still learning. i am still learning, first of all, what my faults are and how they get in the way of relationships. second, i am still learning how to grow beyond those faults and prevent them from being harmful.

but we have this perfect example of God's love for us through the gift of Jesus Christ. Jesus loved perfectly. i need to die to my self, so that Christ's love can live through me. there is no love apart from God. "we love because He first loved us."

a book in a day.

2011-09-06T22:21:00.003-04:00

i am not a huge reader by any means, at least not in comparison to my sisters. but i do enjoy reading. i am the type that either gets so sucked into a book that i can't put it down, or i won't read it at all. the other day i noticed a book on my parents coffee table - it was opened up to about the middle of the book with the pages down - so i picked it up to see what book it was to determine who i thought was reading it. 'just do something' by kevin de young. it could have been either of my parents really, but seeing as it was found on the coffee table and not by the "throne" (as jay has recently labeled the chair my dad sits in), i could safely assume it was being read by my mom. so i picked it up to analyze the cover a bit more, since i as i have confessed in the past, i do judge books by their covers. the cover offered more explanation: a liberating approach to finding God's will. that alone got my attention. i have thought a lot in the past few years about God's will and have had many conversations with various people about God's will in general, but God's will for my life more specifically. plus i have already read a kevin de young book in the past and appreciate his writing style but also the content that he offers. with the exception of the few pages i read that day, i read the entire thing today. what says recommendation more than that?

so i could try to sum up all the great things he has to say, but it would be a failed attempted. i could just say, hey go read the book, but you might not. so for your benefit, and mine since i want to look back at things from it, i will leave you with some of his words...

(possibly my favorite part) "the question God cares about most is not 'where should i live?' but 'do i love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, and do i love my neighbor as myself?'"

(in reference to him praying about whether to stay at his church or take another call) "i prayed a lot about the decision. but i didn't ask God to tell me what to do. so what did i pray for? i prayed that God would make me honest in my interviews. i prayed that i would see a true picture of this church and that they would see a true picture of me. i prayed mostly that my heart would be right, that i wouldn't be motivated by pride - either to stay because it was a big church or to move because i could be the senior pastor. i prayed that i wouldn't make a decision based on fear: 'what if i fail as a senior pastor?' 'what if everyone in iowa gets mad at me for going?' or pleasing people: 'i don't want t let down the search committee that's been working at this for so long.' (and here comes the best part...) i prayed that i would make a decision based on faith, hope, and love - and not the praise of man and greed and selfish ambition. in other words, i prayed that i would be following God's will of desire rather than praying to figure out His will of direction."

"first, God's will is that we live holy, set-apart lives...second, we are to always rejoice, pray, and give thanks...third, we are to know God's will so we can bear fruit and know Him better...fourth, the will of God is to be filled with the Holy Spirit...simply put, God's will is your growth in Christlikness."

genesis 21-25

2011-09-05T21:49:00.002-04:00

they are familiar stories to most of us. abraham and sarah finally have a son together (despite both of their old age), whom they name isaac. but before we know it, God instructs abraham to take his son and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. we all know how it goes - abraham, with incredible faith and obedience to God, follows his command and takes his son up the mountain to be sacrificed. at the last minute, with isaac tied up and bound to the altar, God stops abraham from harming his son and instead provides a ram to be sacrificed. it is a very familiar story that much could be said about.

while i read it this morning i began to think about isaac. not necessarily isaac as a person, but what isaac represents. abraham and sarah greatly desired to have children (a child) together. it started to seem impossible as they grew older. in fact, when sarah heard that she would have a child, she laughed because it seemed that ridiculous and that impossible. yet God had made a covenant with abraham that his descendants would be as many as the stars in the sky. God, of course, follows through on his promise with the surprising birth of isaac. isaac is greatly treasured and adored - their only son after much waiting.

God tests abraham. when asked to give up something that he values most, abraham obeys without hesitation. what is his reward? not only does he get to keep isaac, but God will bless him beyond imagination. abraham put God first, despite his love for isaac.

what (or who) is my "isaac"? would i be as faithful and obedient as abraham if God asked me to give it up, or if he simply took it away? sometimes i have a tendency to hold on to things or people too tightly, and can be tempted to place their value above God in my life. but if i obey God and keep Him as the number one in my life, i will find that not only may i be able to keep that thing which i value, but also be blessed even beyond what i imagine.

#19, in progress: genesis 1-5

2011-09-01T16:56:00.003-04:00

after deciding on the 19th item of my '30 by 30' list (read through the old testament), i marked september 1st as the day i would start. why couldn't i just start immediately? i don't know, i am weird like that. so tuesday i sat down at my computer and scheduled out my reading assigments on google calendar for the next 7 months. 5 chapters a day as the goal brings me to march 4th. i have 18 days as a buffer before i turn 30 on the 23rd. i know there may be a day here or there in which i don't get to the reading (to be completely honest). but more then that, i want to give myself the opportunity to take longer if i so desire to read and reflect deeper on certain passages.

today is the day, genesis 1-5. such familiar passages to most of us (even non-believers who have heard anything of creation, adam and eve, and the beginnings of noah). a few weeks ago i was admiring my sister's project with my nephews - making a visual of creation. she had each day sectioned out as a square and images painted of what happened on that "day". as i looked at it i became more and more ashamed of how much i forgot in regard to creation. i couldn't say what happened on which day. how many times did i learn that in elementary school and sunday school only to forget it now?

like i said, i don't want to rush through any of the readings. otherwise it will just go in one ear and out the other, as the expression goes. as i read these first few chapters of the bible i was struck by a number of details. i realize how vague a lot of the details are, how much is left to the imagination. i think this has been the root of a lot of questions and divisions among people in considering exactly how the creation story played out. i would be lying if i said i weren't a bit curious myself.

by the second verse of the second chapter i already have a question. it says "now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." what waters? on the first day God creates light and dark, but note that the sun, moon and stars are not created until day four. what produced the light on the first day? i know, anything is possible. we are talking about an indescribable God here. this reminds me of the video series by louie giglio. in either 'how great is our God' or 'indescribable', giglio points out that while we think we would want to have been there to witness it, we would not want to be there when light poured out of God's mouth at (insert large number here) light years per second. my questions could go on and on. who is cain married to, when his wife is referenced in chapter 4? i assume it had to be a sister, though not mentioned specifically as adam and eve's child, since there were no other humans. the questions could go on and on, but i won't dwell on them. they don't need answers in order for me to have faith, or for my faith to grow.

i am struck by one thing that carries into my every day and can be applied to my life (not limited to one thing, of course, but one thing at this moment). time. our concept of time is so limited. notice the years lived by adam and his decendents - 930, 912, 905, 910, etc. notice when many of them had their first child - 130, 105, 90, 70, etc. creation in 7 days (6 since the last day was rest). 130 years for adam to have a child. my view of time is so limited and so skewed.

lately i have been struggling with time in my life. to be perfectly honest, i didn't think i would be where i am now when i was 18 years old. even at 22 when i graduated college, i didn't imagine my life as it is now. i can get frustrated with feeling like i am almost 30 and haven't even really started my life yet (by societal standards). if it were up to me, i would have landed a comfortable and enjoyable joy by now. i would probably be married and have a child or two, even a dog. i wouldn't be living with my parents and be going back to school with very unstable finances. it isn't what i projected for myself. it might not always be what i want even now.

but it is part of God's plan, with His timing. what society tells me i should be doing doesn't matter. where i feel like i should be by now doesn't even matter. He has me in His hands and is bringing me to where He wants me to be. He is using each and every person and experience to shape me. my life hasn't not started (sorry for the double negative). my life has been going for almost 30 years and this is just a small part of it. but it is here and it is now, and i embrace it. it may not always be what i expected or think is best for me, but it is exactly what God wants for me and knows is best for me.

#26

2011-08-26T11:51:00.003-04:00

jay and i pulled into their driveway a little bit after 8pm last night - running "fashionably late" - and were so warmly welcomed into the lovely home of frank and erica delalla (frank is jay's pastor and long time friend) for our double date game night. their two beautiful children, julia and franky, were already in bed so that after a little bit of chit chat and laughter we could start our game of monopoly.

the first hour or so we played sitting on the ground around the living room coffee table. but eventually our bodies complained - our butts were numb, my feet fell asleep from sitting on them, backs were aching - and we moved the game to the dining room table. we went from playing nicely with each other as we considerately didn't buy what we know our competitor wanted to buying whatever we landed on in order to bargain and deal later. pizza rolls and mini tacos were followed up with brownies. the more we filled out stomachs the more we wanted to satisfy our greed as we built houses and hotels and collected as much rent as possible.

erica quickly took control of the game as she owned all four railroads. jay and i split the most desirable locations - he had the boardwalk and i had park avenue. but frank was strategically putting house after house on all of his streets. jail became a desired destination because for a few turns it kept us safe from having to pay our opponents. deals were being made right and left, but soon most of mine were made just so that i could survive. frank discovered that despite our initial thoughts, the treasure chest and chance cards do not always have positive results. suddenly i was out of money and was left to the role of the banker. even though jay now had possession of both the boardwalk and park place, he soon had spent all of his money and given everything away. it was down to erica (who owned just about everything, having collected both my and jay's locations) and frank. despite her sweet and generous attempts, erica cleaned frank out of all his money too and became the winner of the evening.

two and a half hours later, i had completed number 26 of my '30 by 30' list - we had completed a game of monopoly, which i don't think i had ever had the patience to do before. it didn't matter that i lost. we had a good time with a great couple and had barely spent any money at all! so thanks to erica, frank, and jay for a wonderful evening and for being a part of my '30 by 30'!

my apologies for this internet photo. i was planning on taking a photo of each of the 30 items, but i partly forgot and tiredness had kicked in. you get the idea.

just Jill.

2011-08-23T09:13:00.002-04:00

i thought i would just take a minute to explain the title of my blog, just jill. i guess i never did. well, better late than never?

i suppose it could be interpreted in a variety of ways. the first one isn't an intentional meaning but it still works now that i am thinking about it. i am "just jill", no spouse or kids or family unit. of course my family (both immediate and extended) is a big part of me, so in a lot of ways i am a package deal. you can't really experience me without my family - it just doesn't happen.

the second and intentional meaning behind it is quite simple. my name is "just jill". i do not have a middle name and jill is not short for a longer first name (such as jillian). i am literally just jill.

the third, but also intentional meaning, has to do more with who i am. i am nothing fancy or complicated. i am not trying to be something or someone that i am not. i am not going to try to impress you with words or outer appearance or anything of the sort. it doesn't take much to make me smile or for me to have a good time. so in this way, i am just jill.

much ado about nothing.

2011-08-21T13:58:00.006-04:00

this has nothing to do with shakespeare's comedy, much ado about nothing. in fact, this post (or any post for that matter) has very little to do about anything at all - hence, much ado about nothing. so on that note, i will jump right into it...into nothing...

lately i find myself battling two extremes: pride and inadequacy (not feeling good enough). the two may seem so opposite that they couldn't possibly co-exist, and yet they stem from the same root and even appear to thrive off of each other. both are rooted in sin and reflect a skewed perspective of our relationship with and to God.

pride is sinful because it takes our focus off of God and shifts it to ourselves. we take credit for things we have no right to. all that we are and all that we do is a gift from God. our ability to live and breath and work and learn and play and so on and so forth - it is all from God. there is another avenue of pride that is equally as sinful. it can be seen in how we relate to others and our tendency to judge. this kind of pride is harmful as it puts divisions between us. it often creates an "us" and "them" attitude. pride needs to die inside of me.

inadequacy, for lack of a better word at the moment, and that feeling of not being good enough is sinful because it belittle's God and His power. it neglects to see and accept grace; it forgets the work of Jesus and His death on the cross. the truth is that we are not good enough, my ourselves. but because of Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit, we are good enough. each of us has weaknesses but when we work together for His kingdom, we overcome each others weaknesses and help each other grow and strengthen them.

humility is a lifelong lesson, for me at least. humility allows us to be confident in Christ.

here i am, humbled by Your majesty

covered by Your grace so free.

here i am, knowing i'm a sinful man

covered by the blood of the Lamb

now i've found the greatest love of all is mine

since You laid down Your life,

the greatest sacrifice

majesty, majesty

Your grace has found me just as i am

empty handed by alive in Your hands

we sing

majesty, majesty

forever i am changed by Your love

in the beauty of Your majesty

here i am, humbled by the love that You give

forgiven so that i can forgive.

so here i stand, knowing that i'm Your desire

sanctified by glory and fire.

now i've found the greatest love of all is mine

since You laid down Your life,

the greatest sacrifice

majesty, majesty

Your grace has found me just as i am

empty handed by alive in Your hands

we sing

majesty, majesty

forever i am changed by Your love

in the beauty of Your majesty

("majesty" - hillsong united)

more nothingness - some photos from kayaking yesterday at monksville reservoir with jay

starting september 1st i am going to begin item #19 on my '30 by 30' list, reading through the old testament. i cannot promise a daily blog, but i do intend to share reflections as i journey through those books which all point to Jesus.

in reverse order, cause that's how it seems to work...

2011-08-20T14:06:00.003-04:00

shepherds lake

yankee game with botbyls and sikkema kids, and jay

what a view, what a stadium

times square

jackie, drew, keith and emily - family is a blessing

the chrysler building

world trade center reconstruction in progress

palm trees in rockefeller center, a little bit different than the christmas decor i am used to seeing in december

keith and emiliy were engaged on the ice about 3 1/2 years ago, their first time back

the music in my head...

2011-08-06T15:19:00.002-04:00

songs and tunes randomly pop into my head all of the time. most of the time i have no idea where it comes from but suddenly i am humming or singing a song. it doesn't usually have a connection to anything that i am doing or thinking or talking about. a friend of mine just told me yesterday that lately i just start singing one of the main songs from home alone. it has happened a few times and i didn't even realize i was doing it. but oftentimes it is a hymn that pops up. not necessarily a common hymn that i would have sang recently but a much older one that i may recall from growing up in the CRC church. i can't help but wonder, what is going on in my brain at that moment when it happens? does God get into my head and make me recall words and melodies that are meant for me at that moment?

we recently sang a new song at restore that seems to have stuck in my head. it pops into my head at least once a day, if not more. there must be a reason for that, right? here it is...

You are good, You are good

when there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

on display for all to see

You are light, You are light

when the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

when my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that i sing

You are life, You are life

in You death has lost its sting

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more

than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

all creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

in Your presence i'm made whole

You are God, You are God

of all else i'm letting go

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

my heart will sing

no other name

Jesus, Jesus

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

(forever reign - jason ingram, ruben morgan)

30 by 30:

2011-07-19T13:10:00.016-04:00

here is my list so far - obviously it is a work in progress. feel free to add your suggestions. i will be adding to it over time, as i am inspired.

1. visit a new state (progress on my goal to travel to all 50 states, not counting just driving thru a state)

2. make bbq pulled pork

3. learn to play the guitar (learn more than the few chords i know now, and play them decently well)

4. go see the mets at citi field

5. read the chronicles of narnia

6. train to run a 5k - possibly the susan g. komen race for a cure in the spring

7. bake an apple pie with self-picked orchard apples

8. picnic in a park, picnic basket and all

9. go to the top of the rocks, top of the empire state building, or top of the statue of liberty in nyc

10. build a snowman - i am sure i did this as a kid, but it has been a long time

11. take up kickboxing at a local gym or martial arts studio

12. weekend trip to boston with my sisters

13. get a haircut (not just a trim) / wear my hair down for those who always beg me to

14. move into the downstairs bedroom, finally - this requires some cooperation from my parents

15. write each of my nieces/nephews a letter for their "baby" books

16. go to a comedy club - preferably see brian regan or kevin james

17. learn to make mom's lasagna, the best lasagna i have ever had, despite our non-italian roots

18. ice skate on wollman's rink in central park

19. read thru the old testament

20. volunteer time/abilities to help a victim (or more than one) of hurricane irene

21. invite someone to church with me (someone who doesn't usually go to church)

22. write a letter every month and send one package to my world vision child, yonatan in the dominican republic

23. go on a camping/kayaking weekend

24. get a real philly cheesesteak and spend a day (at minimum) in philadelphia

25. meet up somewhere with friends (emo and val) for a 30th birthday celebration/reunion - anyone else turning 30 care to join? this may have to happen after my technical birthday, but considering we will be coming from new jersey, michigan and washington state, i think some flexibility in that should be allowed

*26. play and complete an entire game of monopoly (i don't think i have ever done this) - 08/25/2011 with jason formicola, frank & erica delalla

27. attend a symphony orchestra concert

28. host/coordinate (using my parents house of course) sunday dinner with the family once a month

29. participate in and sell things at a fall family yard sale

in progress...

2011-07-18T14:51:00.002-04:00

i am/will be working on a list of 30 things to do before i turn 30. however, i am also open to suggestions (particularly from those who have already turned 30 and have great advice on this matter). or should it be things to do before and during my 30th year, therefore giving me up until i turn 31 and offering more time? that is also flexible, but i think i should stick with 30 things to do before i turn 30. why didn't i start this earlier seeing as i only have about 8 months to go??!!

lacking a thesis...

2011-07-18T12:33:00.002-04:00

if someone stopped you right now at this very second and asked you to share what exactly is on your mind, what you are thinking, would you be able to do it? (let's assume that the person asking you is someone you are close to and comfortable sharing such information) i'm not very good at this. i think i have moments where my mind is juggling dozens of different "ideas" at once and it is hard to separate any individual one to share. then there are moments (much less often) when i simply am not thinking about anything. i like these moments. i think it is at those times that i am most living in the present - i can just be there in that time and place without my head getting in the way.

i have been unemployed for several months now. sounds wonderful and enjoyable to some, and of course there are many times when it is and has its advantages. but at the same time, especially for someone like me who likes to feel productive and purposeful, it can leave me feeling a bit empty and anxious. for the most part, though, it has allowed me to have a lot of moments where i am not thinking about much of anything and simply being and living in the here and now. but that doesn't mean that my mind has been without thoughts. while it can be hard for me to separate and pull out individual thoughts, i will try to dig out a few...

- i didn't have to travel to places like kenya and ghana to realize how blessed and privileged i am. i am not just referring to financial blessings or opportunities but also recognizing how good and easy i have it. sometimes i am overwhelmed by all of life's many blessings. i don't have to look very far to see people around me who are struggling with very real and deep hardships. this is not to say that i don't have struggles or haven't experienced difficult times of my own. but what do i have to complain about? i know that these blessings are from God and are given to me to be used for His glory. i cannot simply recognize them and be thankful for them (though it is important that i do that as well). i need to use them. am i using them as much as i could?

- God knows what He is doing. i am 29 years old and am only just now going back to school and starting a program that will eventually (if it is God's will) lead to my career. sometimes i feel like jonah - avoiding what God is calling me to, usually out of fear and insecurity, but sometimes distracted by other temptations. i don't consider the past few years at all a waste of time - i don't regret them. but it feels good to be heading on a track that i feel God calling me to. every day i need to throw my plans and desires away and align them with God's will for me. only then do i truly feel content.

- God is bigger and greater than i realize. last week jay and i were laying out on a hammock as we were admiring the starry night sky when i mentioned to him a video by louie giglio called 'indescribable'. louie shows incredible images of the stars and galaxies and other phenomenons in outer space while talking about our amazing Creator. so on saturday we borrowed a dvd from liesl called 'how great is our God', the follow up to 'indescribable'. he shares that if the earth were a golf ball, the sun would be a ball 15 feet in diameter. he moves on to a few other stars even bigger and grander, all pointing to how big the universe is, far beyond what we imagine. it takes approximately 8 minutes for the suns light to reach us at earth. does that sound like a lot? it is actually very short in time considering how many light years away the sun is from our planet. my mind is still grasping the information that louie shared. he also talks about laminin, a protein in the body that holds things together. if you look up an image of laminin, its structure is in the shape of a cross. i don't even have the words to express how powerful the combination of the images and louie giglio's words were for me as we watched it. the words of a song sung yesterday at restore come to my heart and mind:

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

who was and is and is to come

with all creation i sing praise to the King of Kings

You are my everything and i will adore you

(revelation song)

no longer MIA

2011-07-06T22:54:00.004-04:00

i am slightly embarrassed at the length of my absence. i intended to take a short break after 40 days of writing but before i knew it the calendar suddenly said it is july. it is hard for me to sum up the past several weeks in words. i finished up my first semester back at school and also completed a summer session course. recently i officially received my letter of acceptance into the physical therapy assistant program. another year of volunteering as a high school youth group leader wrapped up for a summer "break" (do you ever completely break from such a role? i don't think so). college friends returned from their various destinations. i've spent a lot of time in montvale (and surrounding towns) bowling, biking, mini-golfing, swinging in the batting cages, movie-watching, shooting pool, taking walks, shooting hoops, playing xbox and wii, etc etc with a very special someone. i celebrated many birthdays, including mama's 80th and hudson's 3rd on a wonderful week-long vacation to the outer banks. i witnessed two beautiful weddings.

i could go on and on in a list of all that has happened in my absence but i would never remember everything. to sum it up, though, the past several weeks have included countless reminders of God's incredible blessings. He is very much at work in my life in all sorts of dimensions. i am humbled at His love, faithfulness, and desire to have a relationship with someone as flawed as myself.

some photos for your viewing pleasure...in reverse order because, well, that is the way it seems to want to work for me tonight...

sister shots are always a must

hammocking with the "someone special", jay

father/daughter, devin and uncle tom

one of hudson's many birthday gifts - greta, devin, hudson, elizabeth

hudson and alex took quite a liking to "boogie boarding", before alex's wipe out

sunset sky over the evergreen landscape

a beautiful dragonfly mama and i discovered on our morning walk

gsp dare carnival

melting ice cream got pretty messy on a hot evening

very typical alex concentration and seriousness

beautiful flowers from jay

the lake at bear mountain

day 40: the next step

2011-04-23T10:03:00.002-04:00

"then Jesus said to His disciples, 'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. what good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? for the Son of Man is going to come in His Father's glory with His angels, and then He will reward each person according to what he has done."

matthew 16:24-27

i am a bit speechless at the moment. sometimes the concept of the cross is so simplified but sometimes the reality of it is overwhelming. the cross demands a response - we must make a choice (i must make a choice). but if our choice is Jesus, if we choose to follow Him, we must give up our lives.

You stood before creation

eternity within Your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

my soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

carried the cross for my shame

my sin weighed up on Your shoulders

my soul now to stand

so what can i say

what can i do

but offer this heart oh God

completely to You

so i'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

this life to declare Your promise

my soul now to stand

so what can i say

what can i do

but offer this heart oh God

completely to You

so i'll stand

with arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the One who gave it all

so i'll stand

my soul Lord to You surrendered

all i am is Yours

(the stand - hillsong)

day 39: as you go...

2011-04-22T09:46:00.002-04:00

"then Jesus came to them and said, 'all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. and surely i am with you always, to the very end of the age.'"

matthew 28:18-20

today is good friday. it may seem like the timing is a bit off for this passage - a passage recorded by matthew after Jesus' resurrection but before the ascension. this 40-day journey through david nasser's 'a call to die' is not lent-specific. but i have found it an excellent reflection with lent in mind - with good friday and easter approaching. every day we should be reminded of the cross, but also of the resurrection and then this great commission. with the cross in mind (an awareness of our sin and need for a Savior), we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus on Easter (in acceptance of forgiveness and grace), but we can't stop there. if we the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus does not move us into action, then what is the point?

this great commission is so familiar, yet we often forget it. we either linger at the cross and feel unworthy, or we just keep celebrating easter. the great commission is a command that Jesus gave to his eleven disciples but that continues with you and i. in fact, nasser points out that the original text actually reads "as you are going" rather than "therefore go". Jesus assumes that we will go out, in response to the incredible gift of grace He gave us.

we are not just commanded, but we are invited to join in Christ's mission. it is not just a responsibility, but a privilege! we are not much different than the disciples - just as they failed to understand Jesus over and over again, so do we. they made excuses, so do we. they had doubts, so do we. in fact, read the verses before the great commission. matthew reveals something interesting. the eleven disciples proceed to galilee to the mountain Jesus designated. when they saw Him, they worshiped Him. "but some were doubtful" (matthew 28:17b). they had just witnessed an incredible miracle - a death and resurrection of their friend and leader, Jesus. yet they continued to have doubts? so do we. yet just as Jesus commissioned the eleven to share in his heart and his mission, God continues to commission us.

make disciples - this is our great task we are called to. not church-goers. not members of youth group. make DISCIPLES - people who obey and follow Jesus Christ. it seems like a daunting task. so how do we do it? we make disciples by being disciples. we have to be willing and available to be used by God. as we mentioned yesterday, we are not expected to produce the result. we are expected to obey and God will do the rest, through the work of the Holy Spirit.

don't forget the end of the commission - "and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Jesus ascends into heaven but we are given the Holy Spirit. when we encounter difficulties we need to remember that He is still with us and we can go on.

Lord, move me beyond the cross and resurrection into action. continue to grow in me and build me into a disciple so that i can go out and make disciples. when it is hard and scary, remind me that you are with me always through the gift of the Holy Spirit. thank you for using even me, a sinner, to share in your mission.

day 38: God can use you

2011-04-21T11:33:00.003-04:00

"Jesus said to the servants, 'fill the jars with water;' so they filled them to the brim. then he t old them, 'now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.' they did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine."

john 2:7-9

this story is familiar to most of us, i imagine. it is the beginning of Jesus' signs - the first of the miracles. Jesus and his mother, mary, are at a wedding in which the host runs out of wine (which would be an embarrassment in a culture that values hospitality and providing for guests). it is mary who goes to Jesus. but he responds to her by saying it has nothing to do with them, that his hour has not yet come. but mary tells the servants there to do whatever Jesus tells them to. Jesus acts. he tells the servants to fill the six stone waterpots. after they do so he tells them to take some out and bring it to the headwaiter. the water has turned into wine - the best tasting wine.

it is familiar to us because of the miracle that Jesus performs. Jesus turns water into wine. but the miracle involves other people. mary acts by asking Jesus to do something. the servants act in obedience to his instructions. in fact, take not of the details. mary tells the servants to do whatever Jesus tells them to do just after Jesus has said that the situation is none of their business, that his hour "has not yet come." she acts in faith, in confidence, because she knows the character of Jesus. the servants participate in the miracle as well. the task may not seem unusual to them, but they obey. not only do they put some water in the waterpots - they fill them to the brim. they don't just obey to the extent that is acceptable - they obey completely.

did Jesus need to use anyone else in order to perform the miracle? did he need the existing waterpots, let alone the people, in order to turn water into wine? no. Jesus had the power and ability to act all on his own, but he chose to use others.

does God need us to accomplish his purpose? no. He could do it all Himself. yet, he chooses to use us each and every day. we need to be available and obedient when God asks. "our availability allows us to do the things that we can do to set a backdrop for God to do the mighty things only he can do." the result is not our responsibility. the result should not be our goal either. in fact, we may not always even see the outcome of our obedience. what God asks us to do may not be anything great or extraordinary. in this story, the servants simply followed every day orders - something they did every other day. but Jesus used these everyday people by asking them to do everyday things.

the task may seem simple. sometimes it may even seem "beneath" what we think we are worth. filling up the waterpots was no grandiose task, but the servants filled them to the brim. we must be willing to do our best too, not settle for anything less.

Lord, it is a privilege to be used by you for your glory. open my ears and my heart to be available and obedient when you ask me to do something.

day 37: a fork in the road

2011-04-20T09:52:00.002-04:00

"and whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. but if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

matthew 18:5-6

the disciples just don't get it, do they? at this point they have heard countless teachings and witnesses several miracles. they have walked and talked with Jesus, experienced the very essence of who he is and what he is about. yet here they are asking Jesus who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven (the account found in mark 9:33-37 reveals that Jesus asked them what they had been talking about - he must have overheard them arguing). they are still distracted by power and greatness, rather than grasping that the kingdom of God is a kingdom of service. Jesus himself came to serve. so Jesus brings in a child as a prop. he tells them that unless the become like this child, they will not even look at the kingdom let alone enter it and be "great" among it. he adds that whoever humbles himself like this child will be the great in the kingdom of heaven.

we still don't really get it, do we? we have the entire bible in front of us as an example - we don't have to make the same mistakes - but as soon as we walk away we fall back into the same habit. we want to have power. we want to be great. instead of seeking places of service, we seek positions of advantage. i am not just talking about in the "secular" world; we do it in the church. i will be the first to admit it.

as a youth group leader, i am involved in the lives of dozens of high school students. even when i was in college, before i came back home to new jersey, i knew that i eventually wanted to get involved in this ministry. i looked around and thought about many of my friends and noticed something - many of them seemed to be drifting further in their faith then when i first met them freshman year. i would dare say that some of them probably wouldn't even consider themselves Christians at this point. it saddened me as many of them had been in leadership positions when they were in high school - either in their youth groups or schools or churches. i decided that i wanted to become part of the discipleship phase of high school students before they headed to college (i think part of me foolishly thought that i could "fix" this problem and help grow high school Christians into strong college Christians).

i lose sight of this goal, even if it is idealistic. too often i let my role as a youth leader become about me, when it is really all about them. i act selfishly, seeking approval and acceptance, looking for positions of advantage instead of humbly and selflessly seeking a place of service. i let silly things get in the way of me serving them as best as i can. i become childish, rather than childlike.

Jesus gives a strong warning. whoever causes a child to stumble in their faith would be better off drowning in the sea. this is not a joke. my role as a youth group leader should not be taken lightly. God may use me to be a fork in the road. i must do everything i possibly can (through service, not power) to help guide them towards the road that leads to Jesus. i don't have to have a certain ability, i don't have to be somebody i am not. "i just have to be faithful to let God communicate his love and grace in me and through me."

Lord, give me a childlike faith that is not concerned with power or approval, but whose strength comes from enjoying being loved by you and having a simple heart of trust in you.

day 36: watch your words!

2011-04-19T10:23:00.001-04:00

"but the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean'."

matthew 15:18

we like to talk. some certainly like to talk more than others, but overall we enjoy communicating with others. i find the days that i like the least are the days in which i have little opportunity to talk to others. one of the things i loved about my job at the nursery a few years ago is that i was constantly interacting with others - talking in spanish or english. but how much of what we say is "good"? how much of it is worth hearing? if someone recorded everything that you said in a 24-hour-period and then played it back to you after, would you be embarrassed and regret things that came out of your mouth? i know i would.

Jesus says that "the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart" (matthew 12:34). he compares it to a tree and it's fruit, "either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit" (matthew 12:33). bad fruit comes from a bad tree, just as evil words come from an evil heart.

at times, my words can be like daggers. a hurt or bitterness in my heart is revealed by the words that i speak. as i have mentioned before, it stems from a sinful desire to hurt the person who has hurt me. other times, though, i don't even realize when i am doing it. i don't realize what garbage is pouring out of my mouth. sometimes it is in the form of gossip. sometimes it is boastful. whatever form it comes in, they are words better off left unsaid.

but if we simply keep from saying what we are thinking, is that enough? it may stop us from saying something we will regret, but does it fix the problem of the heart? like david said in psalm 51, we need pure hearts that only God can create. "he is the one who gives us love instead of bitterness, thankfulness instead of cursing, kindness instead of sarcasm."

Lord, create in me a pure heart. renew a steadfast spirit within me.

day 35: honor your parents

2011-04-18T09:09:00.002-04:00

(apparently it happened again without me realizing it - you thought i slacked off and didn't blog yesterday? nope, for some reason it just didn't post. either i am losing it or someone is trying to tell me to stop blogging. again, a modified version.)

"for God said, 'honor your father and mother' and 'anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' but you say that if a man says to his father or mother, 'whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,' he is not to 'honor his father' with it. thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition."

matthew 15:4-6

i was a bit confused upon reading these verse at first. what exactly did Jesus mean when he said "whatever help you might otherwise have received from me"? why is it now devoted to God? Jesus is speaking to the pharisees and scribes after their attempt to attack the disciples for breaking a tradition of washing their hands before eating bread. Jesus, as always, answers them wisely. he raises the issue of transgressing the commandment of God for the sake of their traditions. it is a reference to corban vows. a corban (meaning "offering") vow required one to dedicate money to God's temple - money that otherwise would have been given to support their parents. as Jesus points out, they were abusing a tradition. it had become a way to neglect parents. the action of giving money to God was of course worthy but many were ignoring God's command to care for their parents, to honor and obey them.

today we do not observe many of the traditions that the pharisees held so dear. but isn't to suggest that we perfectly follow God's commands either. corban vows have been replaced with lazyness and excuses. our pride and selfishness keep us from honoring our parents as we ought.

i don't think my parents ever expected me to be living with them at the age of twenty-nine (not that i expected this either). but they are loving and supportive. they are generous and caring. they continue to make sacrifices for my sake even now. i don't consider myself disobedient necessarily, but i don't think that i always honor them as i should.

"our motive for obeying should always be to glorify and honor God."

Lord, forgive me for being lazy and making excuses, for not honoring my parents as i should. thank you for parents who love me and have been the foundation of my faith in you. help me to love them better through honor and obedience.

day 34: not peace, but a sword

2011-04-16T10:22:00.002-04:00

"do not suppose that i have come to bring peace to the earth. i did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

matthew 10:34

this passage, along with the verses around it (matthew 10:34-39), is a bit surprising. i imagine it was a bit confusing for the disciples to hear. Jesus and sword just don't seem to go in the same sentence. we think of Jesus as a loving and peaceful Savior, forgetting that he was revolutionary who stirred up conflict. in this passage, Jesus is preparing the disciples for persecution.

it is an interesting follow up to the previous chapter: serving one master. following Jesus is a choice that demands all of us. you can't follow Jesus half way; you can't follow Him and something else. Jesus is warning them about opposition - opposition which may come from within the family. many of us have this notion that when we choose to follow Jesus, life will be easy and peaceful. but as nasser points out, "we will have peace in our hearts, not necessarily in our relationships."

the literal meaning of this text is hard for me to understand and apply. in a lot of ways, i am a Christian because of my family. my grandparents laid down a foundation of faith that my parents then laid down for me. i don't face conflict or persecution within my family because of my faith. so i cannot even imagine having to more or less decide between the two - family or Jesus. but i have friends who don't share the same story. they became Christians later on in life, while their family members remain non-believers. i can see their struggle with this - it divides their heart.

for me, the deeper meaning lies in choosing which master to serve. i may not face great conflict or persecution from friends or family because of my faith. but there are plenty of other distractions and temptations that try to keep me from serving Jesus. if i am serious about following Him, i must take up my cross.

Lord, you want to be number one in my life. forgive me when i let anything else get in the way, when i love other things or people more than you. fill me with your Spirit to help me take up my cross and follow You.

day 33: serving your master

2011-04-16T09:57:00.002-04:00

(attempt #2 - trying to recall the original)

"no one can serve two masters. either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. you cannot serve both God and money."

matthew 6:24

our culture doesn't know much about having a master or serving. we are a society that celebrates individualism, independence, self-sufficiency and cannot grasp the concept of being a slave to someone or being served. yet we all have masters. we all have something that takes our time and focus. for some of us, that individualism is in way our master. many of us are slaves to money. maybe our job, our career and profession, become our master. other people - family or friends - can become a master to us. we don't usually realize it but each of us become a slave to something and it is very rarely Jesus that we are serving.

"God requires complete, abject devotion. anything else is idolatry, and it is destructive." even a good thing - even our work in the church as a pastor, youth leader, worship leader, etc. - can become a master to us if we aren't careful. the church, rather than Jesus himself, becomes our master. we have good intentions but our heart wanders. as Christians, we know that we are to serve Jesus. as the passage points out, we try to serve two masters - Jesus and riches, Jesus and fame, Jesus and fun, Jesus and...(you fill in the blank). but we can't serve to masters. one of them will get the short end of the stick and usually that is Jesus.

as i have mentioned in the past, the three missions trips i went on with the high school youth group (boston, ghana, cairo) were some of the best weeks of my life and the students would agree. it makes sense, in light of this chapter on this passage. "if we aren't consumed with money, possessions, and prestige, and if we daily seek the heart and will of God, our lives will be filled with peace, joy, and purpose."

earthly masters, whatever it may be, destroy us and leave us empty, unsatisfied, and alone. Jesus fills us. He loves us. when we serve him, we are filled with peace, joy, and purpose.

Lord, forgive me when i try to serve two masters, or worse yet, when i serve one master that is not Jesus. help me to hold on to things loosely so that i be filled with you - your peace, your joy, your purpose.

frustration.

2011-04-15T14:16:00.003-04:00

i posted a blog (day 33: serve your master) this morning, or so i thought. i don't know what happened to it. to top it off, i don't even see it in any saved drafts, which blogspot usually saves every few minutes automatically. i don't know when, but i will try to recreate that blog...i hope that the original somehow shows up. cross your fingers.

day 32: fasting

2011-04-14T09:49:00.002-04:00

"when you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. i tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. but when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to met that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

matthew 6:16-18

the one and only time that i exercised the discipline of fasting was in middle school during the heirborne 30-hour famine. i would hardly consider it fasting. although they now practice a more strict fasting, we had milkshakes and juice. not huge quantities of either one but enough to keep us from really reaching the point of "starving." the point of the 30-hour famine is a little bit different than the biblical fasting too. it was a fundraiser to raise awareness (and money) of those around the world living in poverty with very little to eat or drink.

fasting is not a common practice today, at least not among those i interact with. maybe there are some who do practice it as Jesus commanded - in secret - but it is still not common or frequently talked about even in our church community. i guess that explains why aside from the 30-hour famine i have never practiced it myself.

notice what the passage says - "when you fast" not "if you fast". there are old testament practices that we no longer observe as a result of the new covenant and Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross. i don't think that fasting fits into this category, though. i think fasting has become a commonly overlooked practice in the lives of many Christians today.

david nasser says,"fasting is spiritual concentration. in this case, you are concentrating your mind, soul, and body to know God and to know his will." he says that each of us apply the concept of fasting in our daily lives. when we have a big exam or project at work or something that needs intense concentration, we put aside favorite habits (television, talking to friends, etc.), go to bed late and get up early, possibly even miss a meal here or there in order to get the job done and learn the material. spiritual fasting involves similar concepts. we are to put aside favorite habits, possibly even give up some sleep and food, in order to seek God's will.

Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness before starting his earthly ministry. can you imagine, forty days?! he did it in order to prepare himself for his ministry of teaching and redeeming - to know His Father and His will.

perhaps i should take the practice of fasting further than fasting from facebook. i could fast - even just short-term - before i make major life decisions and seek God's will. i could fast before stepping into a ministry or before heading out on a missions trip, so that i can concentrate my mind, my soul, and my body to know God.

Lord, sometimes i struggle to seek and figure out your will for my life. help me to follow the example of Jesus, who fasted in order to know you in preparation for ministry. fill me with you.

day 31: praying

2011-04-13T09:56:00.002-04:00

"and when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

matthew 6:7-8

imagine you have a friend (if you can even call them that). this friend talks about you to others, telling them how great you are and how important you are to them. they even tell others that they should be friends with you too. you give them a lot of gifts - one very big and incredible gift - but they very rarely show appreciation to you for any of it. this friend doesn't spend very much time with you. there may be long weekends, or weeks, here and there where you spend a lot of time together and talk a lot. but overall, there is very little communication. in fact, most of the time, the only time that this friend talks to you is when something is wrong and they need your help. it doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship or even a very desirable one. Jesus must feel like that most of the time with me.

i have the opportunity, an amazing privilege, to talk to God any time (or all day) of every day. but more often then not, i pass up the opportunity. when i do take up the opportunity it is because i have a problem or things are not going as well as i expect. i cannot even imagine how much it must hurt God when i do this.

"the purpose of prayer is not to change God's mind. it is to get our hearts in line with his will and his Spirit." when we pray we recognize our complete dependence on him. this is part of my problem - i have become and overly-independent Christian that tries to do everything on my own. it isn't until i have completely messed something up or simply cannot do it on my own that i come to God for help.

i often struggle with trying to seek God's will in making decisions in my life. i know people who make a decision and then explain it as God calling them to something, or God made clear His will to them. there is a part of me, a skeptical part of me, that wonders whether they don't simply hear what they want to hear and convince themselves it is God's will (mind you, i do not think this is always the case, but i do think it can be a danger). decisions haven't always been as clear for me. maybe i actually did follow God's will and calling and am just second-guessing, or maybe i haven't developed a relationship with God that allows me to know Him that well.

then there are those verses in Scripture in which Jesus says that if we ask for something in His name, it will be given to us. Jesus didn't mean that we could ask for something we want, or think we need, and ask for it in His name so that we get it. "it means to pray as His child, in His will, and for His glory."

paul encourages the thessalonians (and us) to pray continually. if we are in constant prayer we are in a receptive, communicative position with God.

Lord, forgive me for coming to you in prayer when it is convenient for me. forgive me for doubtful prayers. teach me to listen.

day 30: hold things loosely

2011-04-12T09:49:00.002-04:00

"but when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

matthew 6:3-4

i remember when i was young my parents would hand me money to put in the collection plate as an offering. it was embarrassing if my parents didn't have a dollar bill and i had to try to place the quarters that they had scrambled from their wallet as quietly as possibly in the plate. i have seen my sisters do the same for their kids. on occasion i have even been the one handing dollar bills to my nieces and nephews to give as an offering.

it seems like a common and simple practice but i think it reflects something more. they money that i put in the plate was not my own. it was my parents (at least until i was old enough to have some money to give). now the money i give is money that i have earned or worked for, but it still is not mine really. it is God's. He has blessed me with it. just as i tried to be as quiet as possibly when dropping change into the plate instead of bills, i should try to be as discrete as possible and give in secret. no one else needs to know what i give, nor do i need to know what others give. it is between me and God, them and God.

money reveals a lot about the heart. it has been said that if you want to see what is important to a person, look at what they spend their money on. i am not sure that says a lot about me right now. my current but temporary financial situation combined with being a "student" of dave ramsey's financial peace university has limited my budget. right now my money is spent on necessities. but i will be honest and admit that this situation has effected my giving. obviously i cannot give what i was giving before but am i giving with faith, or am i giving slightly in fear?

nasser outlines four keys to giving to keep in mind. give generously. "whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly" (2 corinthians 9:6). give cheerfully. in fact, if you can't give cheerfully then don't give at all. God doesn't need my money. He is God. don't compare. "the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have" (2 corinthians 8:12). what i can give is not going to be the same as what the person next to me can give. give something you value. this goes beyond money. we value our time, energy, possessions, etc. instead of donating our old, worn-out toys and clothes, give out of abundance. give up that valued possession.

we should never give in order to receive. the reward for giving is the fact that we have glorified God. what greater reward is there anyway?

Lord, everything that i have comes from You and is therefore Yours to use. help me to hold on to things loosely, giving generously and cheerfully things that i value without comparing myself to those around me.

day 29: love one another

2011-04-11T09:49:00.002-04:00

"dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

1 john 4:11

how many times do you think love is mentioned in the Bible? i don't know the answer, but i don't think i could count it on my two hands. part of me doesn't like the word "ought" that may of the bible translations use for this verse. to me "ought" sounds more like a suggestion that a command. it is like saying "we also should love one another." well yes, of course we should. but i think that Jesus was more than merely suggesting this to those he taught. i think Jesus commands, even demands, love of us.

let me make another confession: i am really good at loving those who love me (at least i think so, correct me if i am wrong). i would dare to say that i love to love others. good, right? Jesus commands that i love others. did you catch the end of my confession? i am good at loving THOSE WHO LOVE ME. i don't think that is what Jesus commanded.

i have been a high school youth group leader for four years (well, this is my fourth year). i have had people tell me that i have a gift for youth ministry and some even assume that i could carry this into teaching. maybe. they observe and see students hugging me and talking to me and joking around with me, which certainly does happen. they see the way that i love them and spend time with them. they see that they often trust me with their problems and struggles. but what they don't see is what this reveals about me and my heart and my inclination to love those who love me. loving those who love me is easy. it makes me feel good; it makes them feel good.

what about the others? i am not just talking about youth group either but the bigger picture. i would not go so far as to say that i do not love them, cause i genuinely do. but do i do as good of a job showing it? do i make them feel loved? do i demonstrate the love of God to them as well?

then there are the people in my life that i have a hard time loving. maybe they hurt me and even if i have forgiven them it is hard for me to love them. maybe they simply don't pay attention to me or ignore me or resist every attempt i make to connect to them. david nasser mentions the bullies, the competitors, the loners and the 'too cool' as people who may be hard to love.

matthew resports one of Jesus' teachings on love. he overturns what the people had grown up in: love your neighhbor and hate your enemy. now he commands: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. then he adds, "for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? do not even the tax collectors do the same?" (matthew 5:46) ouch. i am no better than a tax collector. i am no better than a non-Christian who simply those that love them.

to love others is not merely a suggestion. to love those who love you is not enough. if God lived by that standard we would all be in trouble. if He only loved me when i love Him, i wouldn't be very loved. but He does love me, no matter what.

Lord, fill me with the Holy Spirit and work in my heart so that i may grow to love as You love - to love others regardless of whether or not they love me. thank you for loving me even when i don't love in return.

day 28: don't take revenge

2011-04-09T10:30:00.002-04:00

"you have heard that it was said, 'eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth.' but i tell you, do not resist an evil person. if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

matthew 5:38-39

i don't think of myself as someone who seeks revenge. not many of us do. i am not going to take an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth. but maybe i will take a tooth for an eye. i am not going to replicate the behavior of someone who hurt me so that i can intentionally get back at them. but usually i subconsciously (or consciously, sometimes) find a passive way of hurting them back. because of the hurt i experienced, i want the other person to feel discomfort and pain too. i have done this with family, with friends, and even employers. i was never taught revenge, but is a basic instinct of my sinful nature. you hurt me, i want you to pay for it.

forgiveness is an unnatural act. we desire justice. but forgiveness is the mark of anyone who chooses to follow Jesus. david nasser points out two important truths in regard to forgiving those who have hurt us: "our ability to forgive others comes from our experience of being forgiven for our own sins, we can leave justice in God's righteous hands." we must keep the cross at the forefront of our minds. the cross reminds us of the grace God has shown us. our ability to forgive others depends on the extent to which we understand that. i will never be asked to forgive anyone (or everyone) more than God has forgiven me, through the death of His Son. one of the reasons i struggle to forgive is because i don't want that person to be off the hook. but paul remind us in the book of romans that it is God's to avenge. He will handle it.

forgiveness doesn't stop here. it isn't just moving on and letting God handle it. Jesus gave instructions on how to treat those who hurt us, who we have forgiven. if our enemy is hungry we should feed them. if they are thirsty we are to provide them with a drink (romans 12:20). we are to show them kindness and compassion. we must love them.

loving someone who has hurt us isn't natural either. i know that i don't feel like they deserve my love. but then again, do i deserve Jesus? do i deserve God's love? let's face it. in my twenty-nine years i have hurt God far deeper and far more often then i will ever be hurt in my lifetime. but God loves me anyway.

Lord, give me the strength to forgive those who have hurt. more then that, give me the strength to love them, as you have forgiven and loved me.

day 27: speak the truth

2011-04-08T09:58:00.002-04:00

"and do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. simply let your 'yes' be 'yes', and your 'no' be 'no'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."

matthew 5:36-37

Jesus continues his series of teachings. he taught about anger and the need for reconciliation, he taught about lust and sex, now he continues with a teaching about vows. people were in the habit of making vows and oaths and promises. one would swear by the temple, another by the alter in the temple. a need to emphasize that we are speaking the truth. Jesus brought it up because people were breaking promises and using sacred language casually and carelessly. they made vows and took oaths casually, giving their word while knowing it wouldn't be kept, or swearing falsely in God's name. these oaths, or vows, were common but Jesus tells them not to use them. Jesus says not to use them. their word alone should be enough. if they tell the truth all of the time, it won't be necessary to follow it up with a promise.

can we relate to that? (where do we think pinky promises came from? or swearing on the Bible in court?) i can think of several occasions where i found myself having to add "i promise" as an assurance to someone that i would do what i said. not so much because people don't expect the truth from me, or for me to do what i say, but because we have become conditioned to being lied to. even the people who love us most, who we should be able to count on, lie to us. we eventually expect dishonesty.

i hate being lied to. i would even venture to say that i not only hate lies, but i dislike when someone doesn't tell me the truth without lying. dishonesty is sure to break trust and ruin any relationship i am in. but, do i hold myself to the same standards?

the problem is that we hardly see the problem with lying and don't even consider some of truths is lying or dishonesty. we write them off as harmless to make ourselves feel better. we lie to prevent someone from getting hurt. (is that really loving them though?) we distort the truth or rephrase things to get away with it. we exaggerate. (is that not a form of lying?)

again, it is a sin that deals with the heart. when i am lied to it hurts because the other person, someone who is supposed to love me and care about me, is basically telling me that i don't deserve the truth. when they lie to me, or when i lie to others, we are being selfish. we are saying that we care more about ourselves then the person we lie to or lie about. we want to impress others, make ourselves look good, even if it means making someone else look bad. we lie because we don't want to expose ourselves - who and what we really are. we lie to cover our sins.

every lie drives a wedge in our relationship with others. i admitted that it ultimately destroys whatever relationship i am in because it destroys my ability to trust them. as Christians, lying has even greater consequences. "we erode the relationships with fellow believers that should be some of the strongest, most transparent and honest relationships in our lives." but lies can also damage our witness. it may become a stumbling block for a non-believer.

we must speak the truth in love. our 'yes' must be 'yes' and our 'no' must be 'no'.

Lord, help us to speak the truth about ourselves, about others, and most importantly about you. give us wisdom and integrity to be honest in order to build each other up.

day 26: sex

2011-04-07T10:22:00.002-04:00

"but i tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. it is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

matthew 5:28-29

we Christians often think and act like the pharisees. the pharisees were extremely legalistic and made sure to obey the many laws very literally. it is just as easy for us to look at the ten commandments and feel okay about ourselves, at least in regard to some of them. i have not murdered. i have never stolen anything. i certainly haven't committed adultery. as we mature we realize that we can kill someone, not literally, with our words or commit adultery with lust. but i don't think too many of us even put ourselves in that category. if we aren't having sex outside of marriage (or outside of our marriage) and we don't struggle with lust or addiction to porn we must be okay, right?

sex is everywhere. our culture is flooded with it. sometimes i am surprised at what is shown on television (on shows and at times that younger children could still be watching), what is allowed in a PG-13 movie, what is talked about on the radio or sung about in songs and then played on the radio, etc. sometimes i am not surprised though and i should be. sometimes i should change the channel or the station, and i don't. i convince myself that it doesn't have an effect on me. maybe it doesn't.

i volunteer as a high school youth group leader and have built relationships with a lot of these students. when you have a relationships with someone you love and trust, you have conversations about very real topics. a few years ago we did a 3-part series that included relationships, dating, and eventually sex. the discussions as a part of this series and the conversations i have had more specifically reveal a mindset that is common to youth today. i don't think it is unique to teenagers but extends even to young adults and maybe even older. we seem to think that so long as we are not actually having sex (which these days needs further definition, but i won't get into), it is okay. anything else is fair game. is this much different than the literal interpretation of "do not commit adultery" in comparison to the idea that lust is sin?

sin is primarily of the heart. when we sin we are saying that we desire our own way rather than what God wants for us. this concept applies to sex but it applies to any other sin that we struggle with too. therefore, we must guard our hearts. proverbs 4:23 says, "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Lord, help me to guard my heart from things that you do not want for me. if need be, rid my life of the things that tempt me and pull me away from you.

day 25: be reconciled

2011-04-06T10:08:00.002-04:00

"therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. first go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

matthew 5:23-24

i think it is safe to say that all of us, at one time or another, have experienced a broken relationship. as hard as we try, and as good as our intentions are, our sinful nature has the ability to weaken or even destroy even the best of relationships. sin creeps in, getting the best of us, and it attacks the relationship at the weakest points. until there is reconciliation, the relationship will remain strained or completely broken.

matthew offers us Jesus' teaching on anger, on brokenness. we may not offer gifts at the altar, but we offer our bodies as living sacrifices in true worship to God. Jesus teaches us that if we have a relationship with someone that isn't right, we must reconcile that first and then come to worship. i know what you are thinking. we are supposed to worship God all day, every day with our lives. in other words, Jesus is telling us that we must not delay the reconciliation, but work it out immediately.

we think to ourselves, it isn't that easy. we compose a list of "what if's" in our head and they become excuses to procrastinate. i know for me, i have gone months with relationships remaining broken. some of the "what if's" that stop me include: what if she hurt me too? what if she refuses to accept my apology, or simply doesn't care? what if words fail me and i can't express myself right?

Jesus's teaching is simple and clear. be reconciled to that person. confess what you did. express appropriate sorrow. make restitution.

Lord, show me where i have hurt others. help me to swallow my pride, die to myself, and be reconciled to the person i have hurt, so that i may offer my life as a living sacrifice.

day 24: our #1 priority

2011-04-05T09:43:00.003-04:00

"one of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 'teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?' Jesus replied: 'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: 'love your neighbor as yourself.' all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."

matthew 22:35-40

matthew gives an account in which we see Jesus being tested again. the lawyer is trying to trip Jesus up, but Jesus outwits them again. instead of picking which law (out of about six hundred or more laws) is the greatest, Jesus answers with what ties all of the laws together. He gives a reason for observing all of the other laws - love for God. he adds to it the second part, loving others. you cannot love God if you do not love your neighbors. they go hand in hand.

one of my favorite verses is very short and simple, 1 john 4:19. "we love because He first loved us." for me it reflects the heart of the Gospel. God loved/loves us first. He loves us so much that He gave us His one and only Son to die so that we might live. (john 3:16) it is only in response to His love that we even begin to love Him. not only are we to love God, but others. it doesn't say "we love God because He first loved us." it simply says, "we love."

the apostle paul often speaks of God's love. romans 8 includes a passage that is very familiar to us. nothing can separate us from the love of God. nothing. in communicating God's love to high school students, we often use this saying: there is nothing you can do to make God love you less, there is nothing you can do to make God love you more. do i always believe that? or do i treat God like other relationships in my life, where i am constantly trying to earn or deserve love?

unfortunately, we have distorted love. i know i have. love usually becomes about me, rather than others and more importantly God. i start out with good intentions - i wanted to show a person the kind of love that, as much as humanly possibly, resembled a Christ-like love. i wanted to offer them an unconditional love that contrasted many of the relationships they knew and expected. but slowly my own selfishness crept in and corrupted any good intentions i initially had. my selfishness - my love of feeling loved - ended up hurting the relationship, hurting others, hurting myself, and hurting God.

nothing i do can make God love me less. nothing can separate me from the love of God. He loves us, first and last. there is a popular song by david crowder called 'how he loves.' a line towards the end says this: "i don't have time to maintains these regrets when i think about the way that He loves us."

Lord, thank you for loving me first. thank you for loving us so much that while we were and are sinners, you died for us. thank you for loving me, despite myself.

day 23: daily grace

2011-04-04T09:41:00.002-04:00

"the teachers of the law and the pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. they made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, 'teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. in the law moses commanded us to stone such women. now what do you say?'"

john 8:3-5

if this story is familiar to you, you know that you need to read more than just verses 3 thru 5 in order to get the whole picture. Jesus is in the temple, teaching to the crowds that joined him. the pharisees bring in a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. (can you imagine how she must feel at that point?) they point out that the law of moses commands them to stone a woman for such a sin and ask Jesus what they should do. john reports that Jesus doesn't respond but stoops down and begins writing on the ground. (what could he have been writing?) the persist in asking Jesus what should be done so Jesus stands up. they are expecting him to either command them to stone her (which would get him in trouble - the romans do not allow the jews to carry out their own executions), or to let her go (a violation of moses' law). his response is unexpected and amazing. "he who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (john 3: 7). with these words Jesus not only avoids the tests of the Pharisees, but he offers an important point in his teaching. he makes a statement about judging others. it doesn't end here, as we know. he stoops down again to write on the ground. (what is he writing???) one by one, the pharisees leave the temple and eventually the woman is left alone with Jesus. what could possibly be running through her mind at this point? is she feeling relieved that the pharisees will not stone her? or is she feeling even worse now left with Jesus? again, he speaks with words quite different than we would find ourselves saying. he asks the woman where the men went, did no one condemn her? she says, "no one, Lord." Jesus speaks with grace, "i do not condemn you either. go. from now on sin no more."

upon first reading this it is easy to feel like we have just seen a really good movie, where the good guy wins. we look at the pharisees and think of them as jerks who dragged the woman to the temple and then left as cowards when they realized they are full of sin too. we don't initially relate to the pharisees, but we should. i look at my own life and think, well i have never put someone on the spot like that for their sins or wrongdoings. maybe not but have i never judged someone and considered myself better than them? when someone i know is struggling, even with sin, do i hurt them more (not literally dragging them out in public, of course) or do i help them?

these verses speak against judging others and not being hypocritical, but it doesn't end there. Jesus offers the adulterous woman grace. He does not condemn her. He encourages her to go on and sin no more. grace provides hope, fills us with thankfulness, and calls us to obey.

for a long time grace was just a "Christian" word that i knew from church and sunday school. i have talked about grace and used it in sentences. but i didn't fully grasp it, understand it, or realize what it means in my life until more recently. i don't realize how much i need grace, how much my life depends on it, often enough. "the more we are aware of our sinfulness, the more we will be aware of God's grace." i am sinful. i have made, and continue to make, a lot of mistakes. i often try to correct my mistakes on my own - i do what it takes to right the wrong, to amend a relationship, to fix what i have broken. there is nothing i can do to atone for my sins. but the good news is that i don't have to, Jesus already did.

no matter what i have done, God's grace is greater. how much does God love me? as much as He loves Jesus.

Lord, continue to teach me about grace and make me more aware of how much i need your amazing grace.

day 22: be a doer

2011-04-02T11:03:00.003-04:00

"do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. do what it says. but the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does."

james 1:22, 25

a year ago i went on an 11-day trip to ghana, west africa with 13 other people - 4 other adults, 9 students - on a youth group missions trip. it was an experience that none of us will forget. we may forget details - names of people, places, things we did, etc - but there is something we will never forget. ghanaian children (and adults) love to be photographed. more then that, they love to see themselves in the photo. their reactions to seeing themselves is priceless. each of us took dozens of photos of the children and spent just as much time showing them the results. i brought a video camera with me in addition to my digital camera. their reaction to seeing themselves on video matched, if not topped, their reaction to seeing a photo. the photo below was taken by a friend on the trip, capturing me being bombarded by pre-school aged children who are loving seeing themselves on video.

why is it so fascinating for the children, and even the adults, to see themselves? most of them probably never get to see what they look like, or if they do, not very often. if they do, it is not on camera.

this passage in james makes reference to people who look in a mirror, and then just minutes later forget who they are. he uses this as an example of people who hear the Word but don't do what it says. it is a waste. he encourages Christians to "prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves" (james 1:22).

do we delude ourselves? to delude is "to mislead the mind or judgement of; to deceive; to trick". i often deceive myself and others in regard to my faith. i can talk a pretty good walk, but do i walk the talk? do i live up to the standards that i encourage my youth group students to live by? do i even live up to the standards that i judge others by?

we are called to be doers. i can be a doer. i went to ghana on a missions trip. i give of my time as a youth group leader and play in the worship band. i am generally a "nice" person, i think. is that all james meant? is that all God wants? in a lot of ways, spending 11 days on a missions trip to ghana is easy, as are the other acts. james adds, "pure and undefiled religion in the sign of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world" (james 1:27) what am i doing in my own community?

being a doer isn't always easy. "it challenges our hearts, our motives, our wallets, and our schedules."

Lord, open up my eyes and ears to see your Word, but also use my mouth, my hands, and my feet to do what it says.

day 21: true worship

2011-04-02T10:08:00.003-04:00

"therefore, i urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship."

romans 12:1

have you ever played a game involving word association - someone says a word and you immediately have to say what comes to mind? from childhood we develop associations with words. when we hear sky, we think blue. what comes to mind when you hear the word, worship? many of us immediately think songs, music, maybe even church (as in what you do on sunday morning). do any of us first associate worship with lifestyle?

don't get me wrong, singing songs, playing music, going to church are all acts of worship. but it certainly goes beyond that. "when we are walking with Christ, our lives are acts of worship all day every day." it is a lifestyle. nasser calls this 'walking worshipers'. he was once asked on a television program what he saw as the next trend in worship. i'm sure the one interviewing him was looking for something related to contemporary vs. traditional. wisely, david answered with authentic worship. authentic worship is what paul is referring to here in romans 12 but also what Jesus meant in john 4 when he said to the samaritan woman "'yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth'" (john 4:23).

we might be great sunday morning worshipers, at least based on appearances. i worship God not only as a sing but while i play the bass in the worship band. what does my worship look like the friday and saturday night before? do i worship well during the week, when no one else is watching? do i worship with the right motives all of the time?

Lord, you provide a guideline in your word of what worship should be. forgive me and correct me when i get it wrong - when i make worship about me. through the Holy Spirit, show me how to be a true worshiper.

(my apologies for writing this blog one day late. i did my reading and such yesterday but ran out of time to blog. i will make up for it and write two today.)

day 20: grow up

2011-03-31T10:52:00.004-04:00

"we have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. in fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. you need milk, not solid food!"

hebrews 5:11-12

i am not the type to get mad easily. but i am somewhat sensitive. if someone acts like i am stupid, talks to me like i am stupid, treats me like i am stupid, you will most likely see my blood begin to boil, my face turn red. it is not a stubbornness or a refusal to be wrong but a sensitive reaction to my feeling like the other person thinks less of me and my abilities or my intellect (i am sure pride has something to do with it). i can only imagine how i would react if someone told me, "you are slow to learn...you need milk, not solid food". the person treating me like i am stupid may be wrong (though my reaction may not be appropriate either). but what if the "slow to learn" statement has nothing to do with intellect but instead reflects me spiritually?

i have been a Christian for 29 years. okay, i wasn't born with faith and knowledge of sin and my need for Jesus, but i was raised in a Christian home. i went to sunday school and catechism, faithfully attended church and youth group. i even went to a Christian school. imagine i have studied a subject for 29 years. after that many years, i should be an expert at even the most difficult subjects, right? in most cases, four years of college earns you a bachelors degree in an area of study. maybe not quite an expert at that point, but certainly experienced and knowledgeable. 29 years as a Christian - am i where i should be?

david nasser tells a story about an encounter he had with his wife on his honeymoon to london. they came upon two men having a conversation that they overheard. it became apparent that the one man was muslim and the other christian. david was a muslim that converted to christianity, so obviously he felt like he was in a good place to approach these men. with his wife proudly supporting him, he used verses and passages of Scripture that he had learned. he felt good. but suddenly the muslim who had been quoting the koran, began to quote the Bible too, using it to try to prove them wrong. he knew more than the three Christians combined (david, his wife, and the other Christian man). david admits to feeling ashamed and spiritually illiterate, recognizing his need to grow up in biblical knowledge.

david was a new Christian and felt ashamed at this encounter. if i had been there, how much more ashamed would and should i feel given my life-long Christian journey?!

our culture, even our Christian culture, values and recognizes the importance of growth. if we have a young child and they seem to stop growing or not be growing at the rate that they should, we become worried and bring them to the doctor to see what could possibly be wrong. same things for intellectual and cognitive growth. a child doesn't seem to be keeping up with the expected growth that their classmates are making, do they have a learning disability? why are we not as concerned with our spiritual and faith growth? do we become content with drinking milk instead of eating solid foods?

peter points out the importance of diligence in the faith. he wrote 2 peters to people who were facing false teachers. it was essential for them to remain diligent, but it is equally essential for us today. "in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self control, and in your self control, perseverance, and i your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love." (2 peter 1:5-7)

if we truly understood and had complete gratitude for the cross, would we settle for drinking milk?

Lord, forgive me for being content with a stagnant and static faith. as i get upset by someone who suggests intellectual stupidity, make me upset by my spiritual illiteracy. i yearn for solid food of knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, kindness and love.

day 19: "God-and"

2011-03-30T09:53:00.002-04:00

"but i am afraid that just as eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your mind may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ."

2 corinthians 11:3

are there parts of the bible that seem repetitive? does it ever seem like the apostle paul writes similar letters over and over again to even the same people? even Jesus told parables and presented teachings that said the same thing over again, sometimes just in different words. just like the disciples whom jesus taught, the people whom paul wrote letters to, we need to be reminded over and over again. we don't get it the first time. we forget or get distracted and end up exactly where we started.

this chapter, "God-and" seems to reiterate what david nasser mentioned in previous chapters. good thing, cause i don't always get it the first time. i forget and/or old habits creep up.

i am an incredibly self-centered person. i focus on my wants and my needs and my goals and my dreams and my time and my everything else. if i want to follow Jesus, this must die and it must die very hard. unfortunately our culture and even some Christian churches and and speakers teach a selfish gospel (not gospel with a capital g, because it is not the gospel if it is about self). if you trust God, if you walk with Jesus, if you believe, if you have faith, if you do this and that, you will experience success, peace, wealth, rest, etc. the problem with that gospel is that when we don't get what we expect - when we don't feel as "blessed" - we question God and His promises.

i am incredibly blessed. the blessings themselves are not bad. "the problem is when those blessings climb up to the center of our hearts and compete with Jesus for our affections." is Jesus my goal, or is it the blessings? do i use these blessings to draw closer to Jesus or do i allow selfishness to grow? it is kind of like opening a bag of chips - you can't eat just one. i receive all sorts of physical and spiritual gifts, yet i want more. if i have this, then i could serve better.

nasser offers four ways to tell if we are selfish and want things too much. first, what do we pray about? i tend to use God to get what i want, more of God's blessings. i should be praying like paul, who "asks for insight into the depths of God's love, for wisdom to know his will, and the strength to carry it out." secondly, how do we respond when someone has more than we do? i know that on more than one occasion i have looked at others and thought to myself, they don't deserve that. oddly, i seem to think that i do deserve it. lust, envy, and jealousy are rooted in selfishness. why can't i be happy for that person? third, do we get angry when God doesn't give us what we want? when i don't get what i want and ask God for, or when something i have and value is taken away, i get angry and frustrated. fourth and last, do we feel sorry for ourselves when God's doesn't come through the way we wanted? i convince myself that God doesn't care about me, disappointed that He allowed it. i should be asking God what he wants to teach me.

Lord, forgive me for being so self-centered and for using you for blessings. help me to kill selfish thinking and selfish desires so that i may serve you by putting others first. this life is not mine, but yours. use it to glorify you.

day 18: the cross: are you beyond it?

2011-03-29T10:47:00.002-04:00

"for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

john 3:16

Savior i come, quiet my soul

remember, redemption's hill

where Your blood was spilled

for my ransom

everything i once held dear

i count it all as loss

lead me to the Cross where Your loved poured out

bring me to my knees, Lord, i lay me down

rid me of myself, i belong to You

oh, lead me, lead me to the Cross

You were as i, tempted and tried

human, the word became flesh

bore my sin and death

now you're risen

everything i once held dear

i count it all as loss

lead me to the Cross where Your loved poured out

bring me to my knees, Lord, i lay me down

rid me of myself, i belong to You

oh, lead me

to your heart

lead me to your heart

lead me to the Cross where Your loved poured out

bring me to my knees, Lord, i lay me down

rid me of myself, i belong to You

oh, lead me, lead me to the Cross

('lead me to the cross', by hillsong)

ever heard someone say that we need to go beyond the cross? what does that mean, what does that look like? i understand that we may need to go deeper, but i dare to think that going "beyond" the cross is risky. if i go beyond it, i tend to forget about it. i make my own way for salvation. quite the opposite, i need to be reminded of the cross each and every day.

the cross is a popular, if not the most popular, symbol. crosses become tattoos and jewelry. is there anything wrong with that? just like anything else i think the danger comes in when it becomes to familiar and meaning is lost. "we wear silver crosses as jewelry, but we've forgotten about the real blood on the real wood of Jesus' cross." maybe it would help me if i wore a cross every day. if each morning i went through the routine of placing it around my neck. maybe then i would think about the cross outside of the lent season, more than on good friday and easter sunday.

the cross should shape every part of my life - my identity, my motivations, my goals, my desires, my relationships.

Lord, lead me to the cross. bring me to my knees. rid me of myself.

day 17: the crucible of choice

2011-03-28T10:05:00.001-04:00

"going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'my Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. yet not as i will, but as you will...' he went away a second time and prayed, 'my Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless i drink it, may your will be done.'"

matthew 26:39,42

i think we (and by we, i mean i) tend to put a sugar coating on the crucifixion of Jesus. we get this idea in our head that because it was Jesus who faced betrayal, suffering, death on a cross, and separation from God the Father, that it was easier for him because he is Jesus, the son of God. therefore he has immeasurable strength and power and ability to endure. the reality is that Jesus agonized that evening in the garden of gethsemane. He struggled. He wrestled with God. He knew what was coming and He wanted out. Jesus experienced a collision of his will against God's. in fact, Jesus asked the Father to take the cup from Him.

Jesus didn't make excuses like moses, or run away from God like jonah did. despite the agony and his request for a "plan B", Jesus was willing to go through with what he knew was the only way. in matthew's account of Jesus in the garden of gethsemane, Jesus prays to God three times. the first time he asks for the cup to be taken from him, though of course willing to follow God's willing. the next two times, he tells the Father that he will drink the cup. God's will be done.

what if Jesus had made an excuse? what if Jesus came up with his own plan of salvation for the world, a plan B? his disobedience to his Father would certainly have a consequence that would effect you and me. we would have no hope. we would face death and pay the price of our sins.

God has a plan and a will for each of us - part of a giant plan for His kingdom. what if we always make excuses? what if we always come up with another way, our plan B? who will pay the consequence of that disobedience? i don't think it would only have an effect on us. i dare to think that it effects even the people that God wants to use us to serve.

Jesus suffered beyond what any of us can imagine. He endured pain beyond what any of us will ever be asked to endure. Jesus agonized and yet he did it obediently, all for love.

all for love a Father gave

for only love could make a way

all for love heaven cried

for love was crucified

oh, how many times have i broken Your heart

but still You forgive, if only i ask

and how many times have You heard me pray

drawn near to me

everything i need is You

my beginning, my forever

everything i need is You

let me sing all for love

i will join the angel song

ever holy is the Lord

King of Glory, King of all

all for love a Savior prayed

Abba Father have your way

though they know not what they do

let the cross draw man to you

('all for love', hillsong)

Jesus, thank you for enduring the agony of the cross. thank you for loving to the point of obedience, even to death. thank you for suffering for my sins. through your example, show me how to be obedient to God's will, that i may not make excuses or other plans. let me sing, all for love.

day 16: God's curriculum

2011-03-26T10:37:00.003-04:00

"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

james 1:2-4

david nasser compares our faith journey with God to an education, with God's curriculum in a school of faith. unlike the academic education we receive, God knows what each of us needs and adjusts the course to fit each of us. sometimes the curriculum is very different from what we want. we enjoy recess and hanging out with friends, not tests. "His purpose is for us to enjoy him as he builds our faith. not to bring success, but to build our faith. not to make us happy, but to build our faith. not to provide wonderful friends, but to build our faith. not to make us comfortable, but to build our faith." it sounds pretty clear. the end goal, the "degree", is to have a well-built faith that prepares us for a career in knowing and serving him.

as i pointed out yesterday, God gives us tests. sometimes that test is complete darkness. things seem to be going really well, God is close to us, lives are changed, and great things are happening. then suddenly, nothing. the light is gone and we feel very alone. our sins put up layers of doubt and disobedience that block the light. the solution then is confession, repentance, obedience. we must search for those sins and pray to God asking for forgiveness, but also pray trusting that God is still God.

the prophet isaiah reminds us that God's plan is better than ours. "'for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" (isaiah 55:8-9)

paul experienced great testing. he also encourages us in the book of romans when he explains that tests bring perseverance, perseverance develops character, and character builds hope. hope does not disappoint.

a jesus culture song called 'you won't relent' puts the testing in another perspective. God wants our hearts and he will adjust the curriculum and the many courses so that we give it to Him. sometimes it just takes a few tests, sometimes it takes years and years of testing. but he won't relent.

you won't relent until you have it all

my heart is Yours

i'll set you as a seal

upon my heart

as a seal upon my arms

for there is long, that is as strong as death

jealousy demanding as the grave

and many waters cannot quench this love

come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until you and i are one

Lord, give me enough joy to encourage me, enough love to strengthen me, enough success to build my confidence in you, enough suffering to force me to depend on you, and enough confusion to make me seek your face.

day 15: the risk of grace"

2011-03-25T09:08:00.002-04:00

"and as for us, why do we endanger ourselves every hour? i die every day - i mean that, brothers - just as surely as i glory over you in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 corinthians 15:30-31

a few months ago, we had a "doubt night" as our lesson for the high school students of our youth group, LinC. it was planned partly because of a young, tragic suicide in the area - a relative of at least one of our students. we recognized that there is a lot that our youth have to deal with these days, a lot to process and grasp, and we need to allow for questions and discussion and "doubts". the night was prefaced with explaining that even the wisest and oldest of us may not have answers to some of their questions. we encouraged them to share their questions - reminding them that it is okay to have doubts and questions. even the leaders struggle with doubts. a lot of great discussion came out of that night - some unexpected questions, some expected ones. i wasn't surprised to hear someone ask, "why does God allow suffering?"

the question could be a general one - why does God allow suffering in the world? why did God allow the disaster in japan that has taken thousands of lives, injured several other thousands, and left an unimaginable amount of people homeless? it could be much more specific - why does God allow suffering in our lives? the young man clearly was suffering an incredible amount to the point where he took his own life. why would God allow that?

as Christians, we often have this idea in our head that because of our faith and obedience to God and our decision to follow Him, that we should live wonderful, joyous and pain-free lives. i don't even realize how often i think this way. i know in my head that Christianity isn't an exemption from suffering, but when i face struggles and pain my reaction is to slowly pull my heart away. as i have admitted recently i begin to love God less, trust Him less.

in june of 2007, some of my family and i went to a resort in jamaica for a week. it was partly just an excuse to vacation in the caribbean, but it was also a celebration of my aunt being cancer free for five years. it was one of the best weeks of my life (i have had a lot of "best weeks of my life", mind you). within a few weeks of being home from that trip, my mom sat me down and told me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. she had such strength as she talked to me (she knew she had to be with me, not that it was a false strength) and explained that the doctors were confident that they could get rid of the cancer and she would be fine. but i would be lying if i said that i never once felt angry at and confused by God. it felt like such a slap in the face.

you probably know the outcome of that diagnosis. next year we will be celebrating my mom being cancer-free for five years. God is good. i don't just say that because of the "happy ending." i say that because i know that God used that time to strengthen my faith. of course i was a Christian then. but i think it is fair to say that i wouldn't be who i am today without that experience. through it He deepened my understanding of faith, hope, and love.

not every story has a happy ending. grace is not only costly, but it is risky. but the reward is great. it draws us closer to Jesus. Jesus knows suffering. but He loves us and He would rather die than live without us.

Lord, i admit that i do not always understanding why things happen. forgive me when i lose faith in you in the midst of suffering. thank you for using trials to draw me closer to you.

day 14: too full to eat?

2011-03-24T09:38:00.003-04:00

"blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

matthew 5:6

i have had the privilege to travel a considerable amount in my 29 years. yesterday was my birthday and my mom pointed out that i have celebrated my birthday in a lot of different places other than home in NJ. junior year of high school i spent it on a youth group missions trip to cary, misssissippi. the following year i was on a school spring break trip to italy. junior year of college my birthday was spent in transit from NJ back to calvin college in MI. the following year i was with a group of college friends on spring break in colorado. last year was spent serving with our youth group in ghana, west africa. i love to travel (not just on my birthday though). it exposes you to landscapes and cultures and food. it puts faces to a place that once was just a dot on a map.

some of my traveling has been to places with incredible poverty, both within the US and overseas in third-world countries. my semester abroad to daystar university in kenya (nairobi and athi river campus) opened my eyes and my heart to poverty that is hard to imagine. within nairobi is the largest and poorest african slum in kibera. approximately one million people live (hard to consider it living) in one-square mile. no water, no sewage, no toilets, no roads. houses are wooden shacks with mud floor and tin roof. it is hard to imagine. no photo can do it justice. it is hard to see.

nairobi is filled with street children. many of them walk around high off of the glue that they sniff from a bottle. begging is a way of life. mzungus (white people) are their targets. we were trained on our first day of touring the city with the respond - si lao. not today. the the several months that i spent there i began to recognize the faces of these street children. they recognized me too. one day a few of them grabbed my hands and the hands of my friends with me and followed us into nakumatt, the food store that we frequented. i knew i didn't want to give them money. just like here in the states, you don't know where that money will go or how it will be spent. i also knew that if i did anything for them it could very possibly become a habit. they may tell their other friends and those street children would expect something from me too. but i couldn't just give them the line that they expected. i couldn't tell them, not today. i bought them a few items from the store. not that one day of food would make a big difference in their many days of poverty. if only that loaf of bread and packs of crackers could turn into enough to feed them every day.

i don't know what hunger feels like. i don't know how it feels to do absolutely anything in order to survive. i have never had to dig through garbage in hopes of finding someone's leftovers that i can have as a meal. i have never sniffed glue out of a bottle in order to mask the embarrassment of having to beg.

yet i put garbage into my body, my mind, my heart, even my soul, every day. i have the option of something much better, much more satisfying, and yet i settle for less. some relationships, entertainment, money, even certain forms of food and drink, are all poison that i put into my body. it never satisfies. ingesting such things is damaging and yet habit. i am too full of this junk to be hungry for what actually nourishes me.

Jesus tells us that he is the "bread of life." He invites us to partake in the greatest meal, a feast, that we will ever experience. why settle for anything else?

Lord, forgive me for passing up the gift of your feast and settling for garbage that the world offers. give me a hunger that will only be satisfied by you. thank you for giving us Jesus as the bread of life.

day 13: grace - cheap or costly?

2011-03-23T10:37:00.002-04:00

"for Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. and he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

2 corinthians 5:14-15

i recently gave up soda. not for lent, and not because i am a huge soda addict, but because i realized how empty it is and what a waste (of calories) it is. i will admit that i have had a little here and there, mostly when i am sick and either need ginger ale to settle my stomach or the carbonation of sprite to soothe a sore throat. but i used to have it much more often - a sprite every day or so. the thing about soda is that not only is it a waste, but it doesn't even accomplish what a beverage should. it doesn't quench thirst. in fact, it probably makes me thirstier which causes me to drink more. now i mostly drink water with a juice, lemonade or iced tea here and there. pure water is the most thirst quenching liquid and the only one that truly satisfies.

grace is a common religious term heard in the church. we throw it around and often sing songs about it without really understanding it. sunday school taught me what it means and catechism enforced it - getting something you don't deserve. does that really grasp the depth of it? i have recently admitted that in a lot of ways i struggle with grace. i know what it means. i recognize my need for grace. but i have a fully accepted it? do i accept grace freely without trying to earn it and work for it in some way? i have asked myself, if i didn't do any of the "good" things that i do now with my life (serving as a youth leader, missions trips, leading worship in the band, tithing, even going to church each week), would i be able to accept grace? do i do them to feel more "deserving" (as if we could ever deserve even the smallest big of grace)? i know that for me part of the reason i do these things is out of gratitude and thankfulness as a response to God for the grace. but part of me is still trying to earn grace.

grace can be broken down into cheap grace and costly grace. "cheap grace is the sterile doctrine of forgiveness divorced from Jesus himself." to me cheap grace recognizes that i have been forgiven of my sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, but it doesn't change my life. cheap grace continues in the same sins and struggles. it expects the Christian life to be easy. when it gets too hard, we quit.

costly grace recognizes the sacrifice of Jesus and transforms us. "grace is not the real thing unless it makes a real difference in our lives." costly grace exposes sin and produces sorrow for it. as paul says in 2 corinthians 5, "Christ's love compels us." costly grace costs us something - our own life. yes, Jesus died and saved us from our sins. but we must give up our earthly lives to God, even when the road is hard and long.

cheap grace is like soda, it never really satisfies. if we want to quench our thirst, we must drink the pure water of costly grace. if we drink it, it will change our lives forever.

Lord, help me to better understand grace. thank for giving us the gift of your son, Jesus, as a means of grace. in response to that gift, fill me with gratitude that results in the transforming of my life. shine your light into the crevices of my heart so i will find selfishness that i never knew existed. give me a thirst that is only quenched by you.

day 12: death...and your good clothes.

2011-03-22T10:13:00.002-04:00

"put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature...do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in the knowledge in the image of its Creator."

colossians 3:5, 9-10

take my life, i lay it down

at the cross where i am found

all i have i give to you, oh God

take my hands and make them clean

keep my heart in purity

that i may walk in all You have for me

oh, here i stand arms open wide

oh, i am Yours and You are mine Jesus

take my moments and my days

let each breath that i take

be ever only for you, oh God

oh, here i stand arms open wide

oh, i am Yours and You are mine Jesus

oh, here i stand arms open wide

oh, i am Yours and You are mine

my whole life is yours, i give it all

surrendered to Your name

and forever i will pray

have Your way, have Your way Jesus

the words from a song by samuel david knock (arms open wide) are my prayer for today. as i continue to die to my self, i give my life to God for i am not my own.

paul says to put our earthly nature to death and to replace it with our new self. even Christians struggle with this earthly nature. as our faith matures, our sinful nature does too. we may shift from sins like cursing, sexual immorality, gossip, violence and such (more outward sins) to more under-the-surface sins like pride, greed, lost for power and popularity, etc. colossians 3:1-17 paints a bigger picture than those few verses and talks further about putting on the new self. he gives guidance of "good clothes" that we are to put on in place of earthly nature that we kill: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, peace, thankfulness.

"he never asks you to put on anything he hasn't worn himself." do i need to be patient with someone? He has been incredibly patient with me. do i need strength? He endured the cross. am i struggling to forgive someone who hurt me? God has forgiven all of my sins.

Lord, help me to loosen my grip on my life and give it up to you. as i die to my self and put to death my earthly nature, fill me with your Spirit that i may put on new clothes - Christ-like attitudes and behaviors that glorify you.

day 11: bought and paid for

2011-03-21T10:17:00.002-04:00

"do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? you are not your own; you were bought at a price. therefore honor God with your body."

1 corinthians 6:19-20

you may or may not be a fan of adam young or his band owl city. i have actually seen them perform twice and admit that i enjoy a lot of the music. there is one song though that i absolutely love, 'meteor shower.' it is my understanding that adam young is a christian and to me this song reflects biblical themes. it even reminds me of the heidelberg catechism, question and answer 1 ("i am not my own but belong body and soul to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ"). the words of the song...

i can finally see

that you're right there beside me

i am not my own

for i have been made new

please don't let me go

i desperately need you

i am not my own

for i have been made new

please don't let me go

i desperately need you

paul talks about slavery in his letter to the romans, but it is just as relevant today as it was in the first century. "don't you know that...you are slaves to the one whom you obey - whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness." (romans 6:16) we are all slaves to something, or maybe somethings. if it isn't obedience to Jesus Christ, it will destroy us. as david nasser points out, sins gnaw at our hearts, cutting us off from the Spirit. "instead of forgiveness, we are crushed by guilt. instead of thankfulness, we are bitter at God and at others who have hurt us. instead of sensing God's presence, we feel alone and empty." spiritual death, i can relate to that. even in this 11 day journey so far, i can feel satan using these very things to tempt me and pull away from Jesus - guilt, bitterness, hurt, loneliness, emptyness. but i will not let these things dictate my life because i am reminded that i am not my own; i have been bought with a price.

the bible reveals two types of slavery. the first is the most commonly thought of concept of slavery in which a person is simply owned by a master and must obey what the master commands. but there is a second type of "slavery" that gives choice. doulos is a greek word for "bondservant." an indentured servant is a slave until his debt is paid off. on the day they are set free, the slave has the choice to remain as a bondslave. if the master has been loving to them, they choose to remain. if they choose to continue to enjoy the master's love and kindness, their ear was pierced with a tool as a sign to all that being loved was more important than being free.

Jesus paid our debt and now that we are free we have the same choice. God has been a kind and loving master, hasn't He?

Lord, i am not my own. you paid for me through the death of Jesus Christ. i am yours and want you to do with me what you want, my kind and loving master.

day 10: rubbish...what does that mean?

2011-03-19T09:37:00.002-04:00

"but whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of Christ. what is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake i have lost all things. i consider them rubbish, that i may gain Christ..."

philippians 3:7-8

dietrich bonhoeffer said, "the call of Jesus teaches us that our relation to the world has been built on an illusion." God shattered paul's illusion on that road to damascus. paul had every reason to boast, by the world's standards. circumcised on the 8th day, an israelite from the tribe of benjamin, a "hebrew of hebrews", a pharisee that followed the law strictly, a zealous persecutor of the church, blameless and righteous. all of his credentials he considered worth less than nothing because he met Jesus.

later on in the book of philippians, paul reveals his secret: "i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength." (philippians 4:12-13) paul learned to find joy, contentment and pleasure in Christ alone.

what illusions pervade my heart? what must i count as loss for the sake of Christ? what credentials do i value and use to seek power, prestige and popularity?

philippians 3:1-14, one of paul's letters to the philippians, includes a warning to beware of dogs and evil workers. a commentary suggests that this is a reference to judaizers - jewish christians who believed that it was important for gentiles to follow all the old testament jewish laws, especially circumcision. many judaizers were motivated by spiritual pride. paul criticized them because of their focus on what they did to make them believers, rather than the free gift of grace given by Christ. i don't hold onto the old testament jewish laws, but i can relate to spiritual pride. am i depending on being good to make me right with God? has my spiritual pride caused me to persecute others? of course not literally, but figuratively?

Lord, shatter my illusions. forgive me for placing value in my credentials and for using them to get ahead and as a result, persecuting others. they are worth less than nothing in comparison to the grace of Christ.

day 9: what's your treasure?

2011-03-18T09:53:00.003-04:00

"the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. when a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. when he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had a bought it."

matthew 13:44-46

i love jeeps. if you know me at all you know that when i generalize "jeeps" i actually mean jeep wranglers. i mean, what is the point of the other models anyway? i have loved them for years. you can imagine my excitement then when i received a phone call from my dad, while away during my semester in kenya, informing me that we had an opportunity to buy a jeep wrangler from an employee where he works. this wasn't just any jeep. this was THE jeep that i had my eyes on all summer long while working the grounds. it was the 1995 jeep wrangler sahara that was always parked behind building 2 (pathways) of the christian health care center. with the support from my dad, it didn't take much thought from me to decide that i would love this to be my first car. sadly, i sold this jeep in 2006 in an attempt to save on gas money and avoid any potential upcoming problems it might have. i miss having a jeep. in fact, i envy every jeep driver on the road (it's a jeep thing, you wouldn't understand). i have decided that when i finish up my education and get a good job i am going to reward myself by purchasing a jeep - preferably a few years old, 4-door beauty.

i wouldn't consider myself to be an extremely materialistic person (maybe this is the problem, am i in denial?). really, i could go through life without all of the "things" that many people crave and desire. for me the jeep isn't so much a material item that i wish to have in order to show it off and feel cool. i simply love jeeps.

the problem, or the question, that this raises in light of these verses is this: do i have the same desire for Jesus as i do jeeps? on the surface, yes i value my faith and Jesus much more than any material thing. but do i go after God, with God being the goal and not the many ways in which he blesses me as the focus?

a common fault of many Christians (and of mine) is that "we love what Jesus does for us more than we love him." i am incredibly blessed. i have an amazing family, great friends, wealth (maybe not in comparison to many americans but compared to many in the world), wonderful education, church and the ability to worship without persecution, talents and spiritual gifts that allow me to volunteer as a high school youth group leader, opportunities to go on missions trips and travel various parts of the world, etc., i could go on and on. do i love Jesus or do i love what he does for me? if i didn't have any of these blessings, would i still love him?

when i am hurt, face struggles or hardships, lose something or someone that i value, my tendency is to question God and lose some of my faith. i would dare to say that i probably begin to love God less during those times. as we learned from yesterdays reading, when we are serious about following Jesus and treasuring our faith above everything else, we can count on two things: encouragement and testing. satan will tempt us. but do we always think about the ways that God may test us? God tested abraham, why wouldn't he test me? "he brings failure and pain into our lives, not to discourage us but to refine our desires and burn away the stuff that gets in our way."

Lord, we are bombarded with material distractions that give us a false and temporary satisfaction. along with my desire to follow you is my desire to treasure you above all else. help me to keep you as the goal, rather than what you would do for me.

day 8: lies, nothing but lies

2011-03-17T11:28:00.004-04:00

"the one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the Word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. but the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the Word and understands it. he produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."

matthew 13:22-23

the passage given is a good follow up to the past few days. it emphasizes the idea of reaping what you sow and the importance of being in the Word (and understanding it). these two verses are a part of Jesus' parable of the four soils. he describes four types of soil - each of us fits into one of the four categories, generally. the first is the soil beside the road. any seed that falls hear is quickly picked up by birds. the second soil is rocky where there isn't much soil. a seed may grow quickly but is scorched by the sun because it has no roots and receives no nutrients. a third type of soil is among thorns which choke out any growth of the seed. only the fourth soil, the good soil yields a crop, much more than the seed that was sown.

many of us, even those of us who have been Christians for quite some time, are like the third type of soil in which we get caught up in the thorns - worries, wealth, distractions, etc. i think in many ways i represent all four types of soil, sometimes all at once, but sometimes one at a time. like a bird, the devil can quickly and easily snatch up the faith that i have. there are times when i grow quickly out of enthusiasm (like on a retreat or missions trip), but as soon as things get difficult or i face the reality of life, it dies out. as i have admitted in the past few days, the thorns of pride prevent growth.

i don't often think about the ways in which the devil plays a part in my struggles. i forget that in a lot of ways he desires me as much as God does, without the good intentions of a loving God. david nasser points out four ways in which satan tries to destroy us: temptation, accusation, confusion, obstacles. temptation is fairly obvious, but the ways in which he tempts us rarely are. he tempts me through distractions - anything to keep my attention from where it should be, on God. television, internet (facebook), busyness, even friends at times can distract us from spending time with God. then when we give into temptation, satan uses accusations to kick us while we are down. he convinces us that we are failures and cannot possibly be loved by God because of what we have done. he distorts our view of God, convincing us that we are unlovable, that God doesn't care and can't help us. it brings about confusion. as if that weren't enough, he throws obstacles in the way. daniel is good example of this. daniel prayed for weeks to God asking for wisdom. nothing happened. after about three weeks, an angel appears to daniel and tells him that God heard his prayer and sent an angel the very first day. but satan sent a demon to stop the angel from coming. this angel and demon fought in heaven for three weeks until the angel won and appeared to daniel to guide him.

"satan doesn't give as much merit to many of us because we aren't a threat to his purpose. but if we grow strong, he will oppose us." the stronger we grow, the harder satan has to work to destroy us.

Lord, i cannot fight the battle against satan on my own. give me the strength to resist temptation, accusation, confusion and obstacles. help me to become like the good soil that reaps a harvest beyond what is sown.

day 7: know the Word

2011-03-16T10:32:00.002-04:00

"for the Word of God is living and active. sharper than double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account."

hebrews 4:12-13

another danger of long-time (or even lifetime) Christians is familiarity. many of us grew up in the church and year after year in sunday school and bible school and even at our Christian schools, we learned and relearned stories from the Bible. if you are as lucky as i was, you even learned them and "acted" them out on felt-boards. by high school, we start to grumble and complain because we have heard about, say, noah and the ark a hundred times already. or maybe there are passages in the Bible that have become so familiar we could recite them. i think it is safe to even say that there are songs sung in church and chapels that we have sung so many times, we do not even think about what the words say. that is the danger - when something becomes so familiar that it loses meaning. we lose our ability to learn from it.

this past sunday we sang a song at restore called 'God You Reign'. mind you this is not an old hymn that we have been singing since we were four years old, but a song that has become familiar to us. i appreciated when ben spoelstra introduced the song by asking each person to read and think about the words, to not let it be something so familiar that it no longer has meaning.

in our small group at youth group this past sunday night, we were talking about what makes us able to trust God. a student mentioned how they often read devotionals which help them understand and therefore trust God. they also admitted that when they finish a particular devotional book, there is often a gap in time before they pick up another one. i spoke up and pointed out that even if we don't have a devotional we can go straight to the Word of God and see countless examples of people who experienced the faithfulness of God. we can look at their lives - some with very difficult lives - that see how God was still with them, encouragment for us to see and build our ability to trust him with our own lives. another student quickly mentioned the example of job. several of them chimed in with details of jobs difficult life. i sat back quietly and listened to them because to be quite honest, i could not remember a lot of the details of job's life, though i know at one time was something very familiar to me.

you cannot walk with God and not know God's word. God reveals himself in nature as a means of general revelation. but it is special revelation that we need to seek. (general and special revelations are topics discussed in my religion classes at calvin college that i mentioned a few days ago) if we walk with God without knowing the Word, how do we even know Him? instead we create a God that we want to walk with, a God that is convenient for us.

i am working on unfamiliarizing myself with Bible stories and verses and songs so that i can relearn who He is in order to know who i am following.

Lord, you give us the Scriptures as a way to know you more deeply. help me to read your Word as if it were the first time so that i can develop a greater understanding. give me the discipline to hear, read, study, memorize and meditate on the Word with the help of the Holy Spirit.

day 6: God's work

2011-03-15T15:18:00.002-04:00

"'therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - no only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.'"

philippians 2:12-13

i am a big fan of the book of philippians. the apostle paul is possibly one of my favorite authors - forget shakespeare, hemingway, and dickens. if i could write a research paper for my english 102 class (let's not even talk about the ridiculousness of my needing to take that class right now as i go back to school) on paul's letters, i would. i will admit, though, that this verse and the part about "working out your salvation" has always intimidated me. how do i possibly work out my salvation?

as it turns out, i am constantly trying to work out my salvation. the problem is that i go about it all wrong. i don't think i am the only one. i wouldn't consider myself at all a pharisee but i think i have some of their tendencies in me. growing up (i turn 29 next week but i think i am still growing up), i have often relied on following an unwritten list of do's and don't's in order to feel worthy of salvation. i think i have mentioned this struggle before - my struggle with truly understanding grace. some of the rules in my mind: go to church every week (which used to be twice on sundays), be a good and nice person, don't curse or smoke or drink or do drugs, go to youth group and catechism. i think the list of rules has matured a little over time: tithe, volunteer/serve, don't drink excessively, be a good example to others, etc.

the rules in themselves are not wrong, per say. i think they are followed as an outpouring of love and thankfulness to God. but as nasser points out "rules have their place, but if that's all there is to our Christianity, we become hardened, shallow, prideful, and judgemental." confession: whether i always realize it or not, i often consider myself better than others. it is easy for me to look at my life and in comparison to others i know or observe, think that i am living a more pleasing and God-glorifying life. i made judgments about others. pride creeps in.

more and more i realize what a prideful person i have become. not all of the time and only in certain areas of my life and faith. in a recent conversation with a friend, i admitted the dangers of being raised a Christian from birth. (now, do not for a minute think that i am suggesting you not impress your faith upon your children from birth - not what i am saying here) i grew up following these "rules" - unsaid rules that became a way of life - that developed into a more mature version of the same zealousness. it gives me a false pride that is harmful to me, harmful in my relationship to others, and hurtful to God. this friend spoke of regrets - a recovered drug addict who made a lot of choices that hurt him in so many ways. he was not raised in a Christian home, in fact no one else in his family is a Christian, and he did not become a believer until college. he speaks about the ways in which God has been faithful and worked in him - a recognition of grace in his life. he envies my being "good" and my upbringing, but i envy his ability to admit how much he needs Jesus.

the rest of the verse offers a lot of hope to me: "for it is God who works in you." the Holy Spirit can make the life of Christ flow in my heart and change my desire. but i still have a responsibility to do certain things. it is not a list of do's and don't's but a relationship with Jesus that stems and grows out of prayer, reading the Word of God, memorizing and knowing the Word, spending time with people who influence me to be holy, worship, etc.

being a follower of Jesus is a relationship with Christ, not a zealous list of do's and don't's that has the potential to kill our faith.

Lord, thank you for sending people into my life to remind me that being "good" leads to pride, that i should instead recognize my need for Jesus. fill me with the Holy Spirit to convict me, comfort me, help me, strengthen me, give me the gifts i need to be empowered to minister to others out of love.

day 5: excuses, excuses

2011-03-14T22:41:00.002-04:00

'then a teacher of the law came to him and said, 'teacher, i will follow you wherever you go.' Jesus replied, 'foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' another disciple said to him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' but Jesus told him, 'follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'"

matthew 8:19-22

am i any different than these two individuals who agree to follow Jesus? of course i want to follow Jesus. most of the time (i would be lying if i said said all of the time), i would even add the second part - wherever Jesus goes. at first glance and quick read of these verses, Jesus response to his offer may seem confusing and even shocking. the man just offered to follow him wherever he went. why would Jesus challenge him with the reality of having to give up a comfortable and secure life in order to do so? Jesus can see into the man's heart. the teacher of the law did not address Jesus as Lord but as Teacher. he wanted further intellectual stimulation. when i talk to Jesus and tell him that i will follow him wherever he goes, how do i address him? does my heart reflect a genuine commitment, no matter the cost?

the second man, the disciple, is also willing to follow Jesus. what is the problem here? he made an excuse. as someone who values family and is extremely close to each member, i can understand this man's desire to deal with a family situation. some have suggested that it is possible that this man's father had not yet died, and he was simply putting off following Jesus until he was ready. regardless, Jesus doesn't accept excuses.

how often have i given excuses to Jesus? all of the time. the problem is, like the disciple above who wished to respect his father, the excuses usually sound reasonable to us. i rarely think of my response an excuse, but how it sounds to Jesus is that i am putting something insignificant above him. no matter how reasonable it seems to me, it is disobedience and it breaks God's heart.

excuses destroy us. what if no one gave up their time and money to go to japan and help in the rescue and recovery and restoration of the disaster stricken country? what if missionaries didn't follow God's calling to spread the Good News of the Gospel around the world? what if our churches simply worshiped on Sunday and never went out from their church buildings to serve their communities, near and far? what if Jesus gave an excuse to God and didn't die on the cross? what if i continue to let excuses get in the way of me fully obeying and following Jesus?

Lord, forgive me for claiming to want to follow you yet coming up with excuses that break Your heart.

day 4: rewards

2011-03-14T09:52:00.005-04:00

(day 4 was actually on saturday, march 12th, which i did, but the blog is coming today - look forward another blog later today on day 5. *sundays, while i observe them as part of lent, are a day of worship and celebration that do not have a reading or a blog*)

"those who honor me i will honor."

1 samuel 2:30

at the beginning of every chapter (day) in this book is a verse, as i include on the top of the blogs. oftentimes, it is actually just a part of that verse, or parts of verses. this is understandable as he most likely intends to capture a main idea, but in his text he typically includes more or it. if not, at the end of the reading, he suggests to read a portion of scripture that captures more. that being said, "those who honor me i will honor" is not all that is said in 1 samuel 2:30. it is actually a small portion of a group of verses that the NIV titles 'Prophecy Against the House of Eli'. eli's sons continued to disobey God deliberately by cheating, seducing and robbing the people. eli had a hard time disciplining his sons for their actions even though he was aware of their behavior. this was problematic because he was more than a father with rebellious sons, but a high priest ignoring the sins of priests in his jurisdiction. in this way, he honors his sons above God. 1 samuel 2:30 is God taking the necessary action, "therefore the Lord, the God of Israel, declares: 'i promised that members of your family would minister before me forever.' but now the Lord declares, 'far be it from me! those who honor me i will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained.'

we reap what we sow. david nasser explains this through the 'law of the harvest: we reap what we sow, we reap more than we sow, we reap after we sow. what we sow can be good or bad - that is our choice. but whatever we chose to sow, will have consequences - what we reap. "if our goal is to be happy, thousand of obstacles will get in our way, but if our goal is to honor God, we can accomplish that goal no matter what circumstances we encounter." we can sow to please the sinful nature, or we can sow to please the Spirit. (galatians 6:7-9) when we sow to please the Spirit, we will reap an eternal harvest.

Lord, open up my eyes to ways in which i am selfishly sowing to please my sinful nature, and change my heart to sow to please the Spirit.

day 3: ruined

2011-03-11T15:20:00.002-05:00

"'woe to me!' i cried. 'i am ruined! for i am a man of unclean lips, and i live among a people of unclean lips, and i live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.'"

isaiah 6:5

confession: i don't think of myself as being "unclean" nearly as often, or to the extent, that i should. confession #2: i don't think of how incredibly "clean" God is to the extent or as often as i should. as a result of these two confessions (or faults, which is really what they are), i have this false sense of pride and build myself up to be more similar to the holiness of God than i ever should. of course i do not consider myself at all close to the perfection of our Creator, i rarely recognize the huge gap that there is between us.

this prides corrupts all of me - it ruins me. because of it, because i do not recognize how unclean i am and how clean God is, i do not understand grace like i could. if i truly understood grace, i would realize how incredibly unworthy i am of even living and breathing each and every day, and certainly of speaking to God and having a relationship with Him. this false sense of pride allows me to think that i am better than i am and therefore capable of doing things myself, rather than being utterly and completely dependent upon God.

when isaiah saw God in a vision, he quickly recognized how ruined he was in comparison to God's beauty and perfection. his own sin is exposed in the light of the presence of God. if you read more of isaiah 6 you will learn that when isaiah recognizes his uncleanliness, a seraph flies to him and touches his mouth with a live coal. as a result, his guilt is taken away, his sin atoned for, and he is made clean enough to be used by God. it sounds good right? a live coal is extremely hot and to touch it to flesh (especially the sensitive flesh of lips) would be incredibly painful. but that temporary pain is worth it to isaiah. he is ruined. he is healed. now he can be used.

"we can't realize how good it (the Good News) is until we become aware - painfully aware - of how bad we are." only when we realize this can we possibly make change. we become comfortable with stability. "Stability often produces passivity...but upheaval - a move, graduation, a job change, a broken relationship, sickness, a deep disappointment - breaks our hearts, reveals our needs, and somehow opens us to listen."

Lord, break my heart and destroy my pride. forgive me and heal me so that i can be used by you for your Kingdom.

day 2: hard words

2011-03-10T10:13:00.005-05:00

"on hearing it, many of his disciples said, 'this is hard teaching. who can accept it?' from this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."

john 6:60, 66

i went to calvin college. i know about "hard teaching". as a religion minor (though not officially, but i had enough credits to be) who survived countless discussions and debates about various theological topics that use big word with big meanings i know how it feels to experience hard teaching. i had an interest in it though, so a desire to understand made it easier. talk to me about concepts of economics and microfinance though and my eyes will glaze over. no matter how good you are at teaching, i very well might not ever fully grasp the subject. is that what john means here when he refers to "hard teaching"?

in another reference to our bible study discussions i will share that we often confess that if we were there with Jesus as he taught we probably wouldn't have understood a lot of what He said either. in fact, the disciples probably look good in comparison to how poorly we would follow the teaching. sometimes, Jesus' words are difficult because we do not have the overall understanding and knowledge and intimacy with God that is necessary.

but more often than not Jesus' teachings are hard because we don't want to hear them. the disciples had just witnessed some pretty amazing miracles - feeding of the five thousand (which we learn is actually probably more like fifteen to twenty thousand people including the women and children), walking on water, healing an invalid. following Jesus then was easy. but when Jesus challenges the people with his teaching of him being the bread of life, it isn't so easy anymore. as john reports, many of his followers leave him. i would like to think that i would have been like one of the twelve disciples staying with Jesus. but if i were honest with myself i would admit that i, too, would have left.

i have often found myself thinking that if i had been there, rather than here in the United States in the twenty-first century, it would be easier to be a Christ-follower. they had the advantage of being there with Jesus, to see the miracles, to hear his words. clearly, by the reaction of the crowd, that was not the case. i wouldn't be surprised if the twelve disciples still had their doubts at this point. when Jesus asked them, "you do not want to leave too, do you?" (john 6:67), their hearts must have been pounding. but they pushed aside those fears and doubts and stuck beside him, with the exception of judas of course.

in reality, it should be easier to be a Christ-follower now. we have the advantage of having the Bible. we in the United States do not face the reality of persecution. we know the outcome - that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, all to glorify God and fulfill His plan to redeem us from our sins. but we still face "hard teaching." i know i do. not in the sense that the crowd following Jesus did, but He still calls us to follow him and be obedient in ways that often go against what culture tells us is right.

He is the bread of life. culture tells us to fill up on everything else. go after success and money. eat, drink and be merry. fill your bodies with temporary pleasures. yet we are never satisfied and always craving more. it is nothing but empty calories - money, fame, drugs, sex, unhealthy relationships, workaholism, etc.

when we have everything and yet still feel empty, or when everything (or maybe even just that one thing that we value so much) is taken from us, it is a "hard teaching." Jesus wants to fill that spot. sometimes we need to hurt until we get that right.

Lord, as a father who disciplines their children when they are doing something harmful, thank you for loving me so much that you would hurt me with hard teachings in order to get me right with you.

day 1: take up your cross

2011-03-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

"then Jesus said to his disciples, 'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

matthew 16:24

we americans like simple step-by-step instructions to get us from point A to point B. we like to come up with programs that will help us reach our end goal. right now i am taking a financial course being offered by my church - dave ramsey's financial peace university. it involves 7 "baby steps" that if followed should lead to financial peace (and a generous-minded wealth). so thousands of years ago, Jesus offers a three-step approach to becoming His disciple. one, deny myself. two, take up my cross. three, follow Him. simple right?

it is not simple for me. i must deny myself. the problem is that even when i think i am doing the "right" thing and putting others before myself, deep down i still have myself at the very center. i don't even realize how incredibly selfish i am. my ambitions, behaviors, attitude and my desires are all selfish. take a good thing in my life that i am doing - volunteering as a high school youth group leader - and even that act of service is corrupted by my selfishness. when i play as part of the worship band for church is my focus always on God and giving Him all the praise and glory? i wish i could say it were but if i am being honest with myself i know that it isn't true.

my first step, then, is recognizing places in my life that i am being selfish without even realizing it. it is my prayer that God opens up my eyes to those areas in my life and then that He will give me the strength to say "no" to the temptations.

take up my cross. as i alluded to earlier, the majority of the time i do not even realize when i am doing something wrong. in bible study recently we were discussing the second aspect of worship, confession and assurance of pardon. we openly admitted to each other that we often have a hard time thinking of ways in which we have sinned. if we have a hard time even recognizing our sin, how much harder than to admit that we deserve to be executed on a cross as sinners! i imagine that what Jesus said here resonated deeper with the disciples as they had a better understanding of crucifixions. in walking down the road, they might have seen a criminal hanging on a cross as a consequence of their crime. how often do we see anyone punished publically for their crimes/sins?

david nasser points out that Jesus is our example. "He isn't asking us to do anything he hasn't already done to a far higher degree than we will ever do." thankfully, we will never have to endure the suffering that Christ did on the cross. He, though innocent and perfect and blameless, took on the sins of the world. but we still need to take up our crosses.

the last step, follow me, appears to be the easiest of the three. my desire is to follow Jesus, no question about that. but i cannot follow Him if i don't first deny myself and take up my cross. the apostle paul reminds me in philippians 2 of what it means to have the nature of a servant. Christ Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, He made himself nothing and humbled himself to death on a cross.

nasser closes this chapter with a short story about dwight moody who heard a preacher challenge his audience. the preacher said "the world has yet to see what God will do through one man whose heart is completely his." if i deny myself, take up my cross, and follow him, my heart will be completely his.

Lord, i desire to follow you. give me a servant heart that denies myself and takes up my own cross, dying daily to glorify you.

a call to die.

2011-03-08T11:54:00.002-05:00

"when Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die."

dietrich bonhoeffer

this bonhoeffer quote has stuck with me since the first time i heard it. it reflects an idea (or attitude) that the Bible, the very Word of God, offers through the words of the apostle Paul. "...to live is Christ, and to die is gain..." (philippians 1:21) it of course is expressing that as followers of Christ, we must die to self. a song that i love, 'lead me to the cross', has a line in the chorus that speaks to this idea of dying to self - "rid me of myself, i belong to You."

i guess this notion has been on my mind because when i browsed the hawthorne bible house bookstore a few weeks ago, my attention was immediately drawn to david nasser's 'a call to die.' (i confess, i do tend to judge book by their covers) as soon as i picked it up, i just had a sense of knowing that this was the one. i glanced over the explanation on the back cover a bit, skimmed the foreword by chris tomlin (another selling point, might i add), and knew i didn't need to look any further. sold.

'a call to die' is explained to be "a 40 day journey of fasting from the world & feasting on God." maybe i should be taking it as a literal 40 days of fasting, as in fasting from food. but i decided that food isn't really something that gets in the way of my relationship with God. so what does? what worldly thing - something that can be used for good but has become misused - is taking up my time and distracting me from God? facebook. sure, i use it as a means of communicating with long lost friends and family. i even use it to build relationships with kids from youth group - a way to talk to them and be there. but how often am i signed on, not really doing anything with with, as the minutes fly by and take time away from my life?

so for the next 40 days (the lent season) i will be away from facebook as part of my fast. from what i gather, this book challenges you to go beyond reading its chapters but really dive in and answer questions and such. i decided that i will commit to 40 days of blogging as a means of reflecting on the journey. the blog will most likely not include answers to the specific questions in the book, but my thoughts and feelings and reactions that it provokes, as appropriate.

tomorrow begins my answering the call to die.

blessed.

2011-01-18T14:50:00.002-05:00

the beatitudes:

"you're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. with less of you there is more of God and his rule.

you're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

you're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. that's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

you're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

you're blessed when you care. at the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

you're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. then you can see God in the outside world.

you're blessed when you can show peole how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. that's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

you're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. the persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."

matthew 5:3-10 (the message version)

temporary retirement.

2011-01-04T11:53:00.003-05:00

i have been unemployed for just over two months now. i don't know how i feel about that. it certainly has its pro's and con's, though being unemployed over the holidays was convenient in a lot of ways. school starts for me in less than a week - i am glad for that new stage in my life. i hope to find a job that coincides nicely with my education plan, sooner rather than later, because i am beginning my sense of self worth is quickly dwindling and nearing the bottom.

you would think that since i have quite a bit of time on my hands i would dive into my explanation of how my sisters are my heroes, since both of them seemed to doubt that statement (not doubt my sincerity, but doubt that they deserve such a title). however, i am still forming that blog in my head, so for now i will just share a bit about a christmas gift that i've been enjoying during my "retirement".

i enjoy reading. thankfully, my overall dislike of my humanities/american studies classes in high school (or to be perfectly honest, it was more than just a dislike, but a dread that i felt every morning knowing i had to go to that class) didn't completely ruin reading and books for me. i am the type of reader that won't pick up a book for a few months, but when i do i can barely put it down until it is finished. liesl gave me 3 books as part of my christmas gift and i am just over halfway done with the first one. 'strength in what remains' by tracy kidder. it is a story of a man named deo, a refugee from burundi. the chapters jump back and forth between his amazing survival of the civil war between the hutu's and tutsi's in burundi, and his struggle to build his life here in america.

this book reminds me of how easy i have it here in my very comfortable life (i was going to say "how good i have it here"but that would suggest that others lives, though very different and in a lot of ways more challenging, are not also good). i have never been to burundi, but i have been to kenya and ghana. i have heard a lot of stories and seen a lot of photos that tell the story of genocides in sudan, rwanda, etc. as i read this book i remember a student i met during my semester in kenya at daystar university. sadly, i cannot recall his name. he was from burundi and during a conversation with him i learned that his life was quite similar to the story about deo that i am now reading. he went days and even weeks sometimes not sure if his family was even alive. now that i think back, i think he learned of a family members death later on in the semester.

the more i read, the more i miss africa. the more i read, the more i wonder what i can do to "help". there isn't much i can do to stop the genocides that have taken and continue to take hundreds of thousands of lives. i have a friend, though, who i met in kenya and continue to stay in contact. kerry is a few years older than me, graduated from daystar university, is unmarried with a child that is a just a few years old, and has recently started her own small business in order to support her beautiful daughter. it is easy for us to assume that life would be easier, or even better, if they had the opportunity to come here to the united states, to the land of opportunity so that they too can live the american dream. that isn't the answer or the solution to the problem. i respect and admire kerry and her des

ire to remain in kenya. she probably would have a good chance of being able to come to the US and get a decent job, considering her education. she is choosing to stay there and do what she can do to not only provide for her and her daughter, but also to better kenya. maybe there is still a way to help.

my sisters are my heroes.

2010-12-28T23:47:00.004-05:00

tonight was yet another adventure into the city. here are some photos from the nutcracker - well, not inside during the ballet cause no photography is allowed. considering we had already gotten in trouble for eating and putting our feet on the "furniture" i didn't want to reach strike three, you're out of here.

so i have not yet purchased a really nice camera like my sisters - part of the reason why i went so long without taking any pictures. but that won't stop me from posting my own photos on my blog. i will even copy them and the way they post photos taken of their cute homes and their adorable decor.

a funny short story to share with you: these stones (i was calling them rocks, but i guess they are technically stones) in the last photo were a gift from aunt jan. she obviously knows about my love of these 3 words, of course coming from 1 corinthians 13:13. so after i opened my present, elizabeth (my 8-year-old nieces) asked me what i got. so i showed her and explained that they have my 3 favorite words on them. she continues to ask me, in her completely sweet elizabeth way, "why, they are easy to spell?"

a montage

2010-12-21T14:52:00.006-05:00

i wasn't sure as to the spelling of that word, montage. the more

i thought about the spelling of it i began to question the use of the word for what this blog is actually going to include. so i looked it up.

MONTAGE:

a. A single pictorial composition made by juxtaposing or superimposing many pictures or designs.

b. The art or process of making a composition.

a. A relatively rapid succession of different shots in a movie.

b. The juxtaposition of such successive shots as a cinematic technique.

i think this blog would be listed under definition 1b, just for your information.

i ventured into the city on saturday night and experienced my second viewing of the rockefeller center christmas tree. it was quite busy, to say the least, so it was difficult to capture the three of with the tree in the background - this will have to suffice.

seeing weezer at roseland ballroom was the actual reason for our night in nyc. they performed the entire pinkerton album as part of their memories tour - needless to say, it was amazing.

this past sunday was our annual linC christmas party. following the wonderful homemade dinner, before heading out to the holland home for some christmas caroling, a few of us took a rest on the floor. who needs pillows when you have stomachs?

yesterday my facebook status read as follows: "happy birthday to the most amazing woman in the world. just because she is my mother doesn't mean i am biased. i want to be like lois when i grow up." to prove the truth of the status, it had 7 "likes" and 3 comments to agree with me. i'm sure plenty of others were thinking it too.

things i am looking forward to in the next few weeks:

1. the satisfying feeling of knowing i am completely done christmas shopping

2. christmas eve restore service (not to use this as an advertisement in any way, but it will be at cedar hill crc at 5:30pm!)

3. christmas day and all of its traditional celebrations of the birth of our Savior

4. nyc ballet to see the nutcracker with all of the girls in my family

5. tentative new years getaway with the family

6. starting school on january 10th!

new years resolution, a little bit early.

2010-12-16T11:55:00.003-05:00

it is true, i have been MIA for quite some time now. blogging is one of those things where if you get away from it for too long, it is that much harder to come back. but my sister has inspired me (well both sisters inspire me and both are excellent bloggers, but kate has dedicated a blog a day for the month of december). i thought that january 1st, i would return to the blog world. something inspired me today, however, so i am back a bit early.

i hope not to return as you remembered me, especially since quite a bit has changed since my last posting (more on that another day). hence somewhat of a new look. i am still figuring some of that out though so bare with me as it is a work in progress. aren't we all works in progress?

just one photo for your viewing pleasure - the japanese maple tree in our front yard, all lit up for christmas. knowing our family, though, these lights just might remain on well into the spring. we like to be different.

just a song for now...

2010-09-13T13:46:00.002-04:00

"Healing Is In Your Hands"

no mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know

could keep us from Your love

no sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough

to keep us from Your love

how high, how wide

no matter where i am, healing is in Your hands

how deep, how strong

and now by Your grace i stand

healing is in Your hands

our present, our future, our past is in Your hands

we're covered by your blood

how high, how wide

no matter where i am, healing is in Your hands

how deep, how strong

and now by Your grace i stand

healing is in Your hands

happy birthday (insert name here) culp.

2010-05-12T02:40:00.005-04:00

in honor of baby (soon to have a name) culp's birthday...

unconditional love.

2010-04-07T09:07:00.005-04:00

during one of our nightly team meetings while in ghana we were going around sharing different things that we noticed and appreciated - high points of our days. what struck me that day, but also every day, was the unconditional love that each of our youth had for the children in ghana. without knowing anything about them, without considering the dirt and filth that some of them carried on their bodies, none of them ever hesitated to embrace them, whether it be with words or with physical touch. immediately and no matter what, they loved them...unconditionally.

this past week, upon reflecting on good friday and easter - the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ - i became more aware of how far i am from who God wants me to be. sure, i can do "good" things like going on a missions trip to ghana. but the hard reality is that i so often try to forget is that my heart still has evil in it, no matter how good i try to be. i am sinful by nature. because of this i am reminded of the importance of holy week but also of what my response to this sacrifice needs to be. Christ came to serve, i need to serve. today i am struck by the unconditional love that God offers us, freely. the words to a song by tenth avenue north have been playing in my head...words of promise that God would sing to us every day, no matter what.

"My love is over. It's underneath.

It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.

The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '

The times you're broken.The times that you mend.

The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath.

It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.

The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.

The times you're hurting.The times that you heal.

The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.

The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heartache.I'm there in the storm.

My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been.

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.

It never ends."

(Times - Tenth Avenue North)

just like our students so embraced the hands of the children, God embraces us - unconditionally. if only we so quickly sought after Him like those children so desired just to walk and hold our hands.

more of ghana.

2010-04-02T17:56:00.004-04:00

ghana.

2010-04-02T17:15:00.006-04:00

transitions.

2010-04-02T17:12:00.001-04:00

31 March 2010 / 1 April 2010

After one day of transition, I am forced to dive back into reality today. I am not ready. I cannot function quite yet – I almost feel as though I am “sick”. In a lot of ways my transition back to the United States after five months in Kenya was easier than this – I had more time to adjust, more time to process. It’s amazing what eleven days can do. As excited as I am to see family and friends again and to share about our experience in Ghana, in some ways I feel like I am grieving. There is a part of me, a part of my heart, which is still in Ghana.

As hard as it is right now to even begin to think about attempting to share about our trip I know that it is such an important part of adjusting. For one, I can barely figure out how to put any of it into words. I know a lot of people asking about the trip will be perfectly content with hearing a day to day report of what we did – I can give those simple answers. However, I am not content with basic responses. It is much more complicated than that. For now though, I am not sure how to express the deeper layers of emotions. I have friends and/or family asking me various questions about the trip - questions that seem very basic and straightforward, but questions that I can’t seem to answer. I feel bad because I know those who are asking are genuinely interested and care deeply about me but also our mission there. Yet here I am, speechless. At first I could use the explanation of being jetlagged and still recovering from time change and lack of sleep, but eventually those excuses will run out. One of the problems is that I have so much to say and I don’t know where to start. But even more difficult is figuring out how to communicate all that I saw and experienced and felt and learned to someone who has no understanding of it at all, no matter how hard they try or how much they desire to listen. My instinct is to fall back on my Ghana team.

The team has become family to me. I think that the bond is even stronger now than it was while we were there in Ghana. There is a comfort in knowing that they get it. Without even saying anything I can walk up to any of them, give them a hug or even just an exchange of looks, and know that there is an understanding between us. It goes far deeper than just inside jokes or shared experiences. For 11 days we travelled together and served together – God became more real than any of us could have imagined. Each day we offered ourselves as God’s servants and saw that ALL THINGS are possible through Him who strengthens us. Ghana showed us faith, hope, and love.

I offer the words of Paul as a prayer for my team: “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” (Ephesians 3:16-21)

2 days...

2010-03-17T23:08:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest things about going to Ghana on a missions trip is that I get to spend it with 8 of my youth group “kids”. It is an adventure that I get to not only experience myself but with them. I am proud of each of them. They are 16, 17, and 18-year-olds who are daring to step out in their faith to serve in a far away country. I feel blessed to be able to experience it with them. I feel blessed at having each one of them in my life. In eight very unique ways, they teach me about God and faith and what it means to be a Christian. They are not “just” high school students – they are reflections of Christ. I pray that this 10-day journey will solidify their faith.

This past Sunday our team was commissioned by Cedar Hill CRC, one of the three supporting churches of our youth group. It is overwhelming, but very comforting, to realize how many people are praying for us. The commissioning was powerful. As family members and youth leaders laid hands over us as Pastor Norm blessed us in prayer my legs were somewhat shaking – not out of nervousness but rather at being aware of the presence and power of God. He is not only going to be with us in Ghana, He is already with us and has been over the past several months as we prepared for the trip.

The other day I came across a translation of 1 Corinthians 13:13 from The Message that I really like – “Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.” It is my prayer that Ghana will not only solidify each of our faiths, but also teach us how to do just that – trust, hope, love.

11 march 2010

2010-03-11T22:27:00.001-05:00

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7

My grandfather, better known to me and my family as Papa, died of cancer when I was just 7 years old. There isn’t a lot that I remember about him and much of what I remember is when he was already very sick. But what I do remember about him and what is the most important thing that I could ever carry with me is his faith. In a lot of ways it is not so much a memory but a part of him that still lives and will never die. I see it in the lives of my family – my grandmother (Mama), my parents, my aunts and uncles, my siblings. It lives in me. I often read this reminder from Paul and think about Papa. I recall Mama sharing with me in a card once that it was one of his favorite verses – it has become one of mine. While he was sick and even up until his death Papa lived his faith in word and in deed with a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline because of his confidence in Jesus Christ.

Today I have been challenged to think about my life. In some ways I hesitate to refer to it as being mine because I have been reminded especially today that my every breath comes from God. However, he gives us this opportunity to live and breathe. Life is an opportunity and a privilege and therefore we must use it for good, for something greater and bigger than ourselves. Do I live out my faith in word and in deed? I can do everything possible to be a great person and youth leader, to be there for my students and friends, to joke around with them. But if I am not openly sharing my faith with them then what is the point? I need to be expressing faith, hope, and love because nothing else matters. More importantly, I need to be expressing Christ’s love to each of them as much as possible. As important as it is to me that they know I love them, it is of far greater importance that each of them knows they are loved by God.

10 march 2010

2010-03-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience…And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful…And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:12, 14-15, 17).

Denise
Dan
Eric
Jill
Frankie
Alyssa
Allison
Katelyn
Chelsea
Sara
Kelsey
Josh
Beth
Ryan

There are fourteen of us embarking on this journey together – 14 people, 14 personalities, 14 sets of strengths, 14 sets of weaknesses. God has chosen each one of us. While we are a group of fourteen individuals, we go there as one body united in Christ. We go to serve the people of Ghana but also to serve one another in love, to be the church. God calls us to love, because He is love. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). It is my prayer that even when we face challenges, when we are tired and irritable and long for the comforts and familiarities of home, that we would follow Christ’s perfect example of love – to love the people of Ghana, but also each other.

ghana 2010 - all things.

2010-03-09T10:33:00.001-05:00

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast“ (Psalm 139:7-9).

In the fall of 2002 I followed the example of my middle sister and did a semester abroad in Nairobi, Kenya. Before I left she gave me a book she had been working on for me. I took it with me and looked at it every day that I was there. The pages were filled with quotes, Bible verses, photos of family and friends, advice and suggestions of things to do in my time there, her own journal entries and thoughts, and other things. Kate included those verses from Psalm 139 in the book and whenever I come across that passage I cannot help but think of Kenya and the strength that the words provided me while I was away for those almost five months. Even though ten days in Ghana is short in comparison to a semester in Kenya, I still read the psalm and feel encouraged by David’s faith in God’s promises.

Ghana is becoming more and more a reality every day – 11 days. While I am physically unprepared for this trip and have lots of errands to run in the next two weeks, I am mentally ready. I feel that I have a slight advantage having travelled to an African country before, but I think that more importantly God has been preparing my heart and my mind for the trip. I am one of five adults that will be responsible for nine of our youth – I have to be ready. It is my prayer that each one of the students, but even each of us adults, will just be overwhelmed by God’s peace. I pray that whatever fear each person is struggling with will disappear and that God will fill that with the assurance that He is with us. He does not call His people to a task without also providing – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. The Bible is full of examples of individuals who felt incapable of fulfilling the task that God called them to. Many of them had fears and doubts. Some even laughed at God or tried to escape. However, there isn’t even one example of someone that God chose and did not provide for completely – not one. Joshua had a huge task before him, but the Lord gave him these words of encouragement: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). It may not be easy and it may not always be comfortable, but it is always possible if we trust in the God who is capable of all things.

While in Kenya for the semester I had the opportunity to do a lot of traveling throughout the country, including a climb up Mt. Kenya. There were parts of that climb that were not easy or comfortable. I’m sure there were moments when each of us at some point wanted to stop and turn around because the elevation of the mountain above us seemed too big to overcome. A friend of mine, Amy, used a phrase to encourage us all – “All Things.” The apostle Paul knew what it meant to have faith in the midst of trials. While we often misuse his words to tell ourselves that God will show up to help us in the things that we want to do, Paul knew that God would provide the strength necessary to do His will, despite ourselves. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

faith. hope. love.

2010-02-22T18:38:00.001-05:00

We are at the point of counting down by days rather than weeks – 25 days till departure. There are days when I wake up and for a moment think to myself, I’m not going to go. Usually this has more to do with the fact that I don’t even want to get out of bed that morning to face the day, let alone think about traveling so far from home. The irrational thought of cancelling the expensive flight that has already been purchased quickly disappears as my fears are replaced with excitement. I have the opportunity to serve God – whether it be in Ghana or here in New Jersey, it is something to be excited about. God promises to never leave us nor forsake us. Therefore, fear disappears.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Fear disappears as God fills us with peace in the knowledge and assurance of His faithfulness. The past week and a half has been difficult and full of questions, some of which have no answers. Our human nature always tries to provide rational reasons for life’s events, especially the tragedies. We are not comfortable with the fact that we are less in control of life than we realize. I am a very independent person by nature – I don’t like to depend on others or ask for help. However, reality sets in and points to the difficult yet comforting fact that I am not my own. God forces us to our knees and asks us to depend on Him – He is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46:1). Despite life’s uncertainties, I can trust that my life is in His hands.

In the midst of all the thoughts and fears and questions of this past week as our community mourned the death of a saint, but also in looking back and reflecting on other times of struggle and pain, three words keep popping into my head – faith, hope, love. I have come to love these words. For me, they capture the heart and soul of the Gospel. When everything seems to be crashing down around me, when it feels like the rain never stops pouring down, when life just doesn’t make sense…but even when we are overwhelmed with the incredible blessings in life, when our hearts are full of joy, when we feel as though we are standing on top of the mountain, “these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (I Corinthians 13:13).

ghana.

2010-02-18T22:21:00.002-05:00

i haven't blogged in a while. my mind is full of thoughts, but i don't know how to formulate them just yet. so for now i will leave you with a "journal" entry i wrote last week...

In five weeks from tomorrow our group will be setting off for a 10-day mission trip to Ghana, West Africa. The reality of this trip has yet to sink in – I’m not sure that it will until we are there in the heat of the equatorial sun, experiencing a culture in a world that despite our weekly briefing meetings our minds could never completely grasp. There is a very specific reason that each one of us is going – some of us have realized that reason, some of us think we have but will be pleasantly surprised, some of us have yet to discover the reason but are following a calling. Regardless, we have all been chosen.

I rarely think of myself as having been chosen. While I am likely to recognize that I am in certain situations for a reason, this idea does not typically translate into feeling chosen. I am part of a culture that has become so comfortable with freedom and the ability to make choices. In fact, we often become overwhelmed by decisions we face. As I walk thru life, I encounter decisions that force me to determine what I want to do. My selfish and individualistic nature is always thinking about me and my wants. I think that while God uses the Holy Spirit to guide me in my decisions, I never arrive at a place with the mentality that I was chosen to be there.

God has chosen me to be a part of the Ghana mission trip. Ever since I made the last-minute decision to go I have been overwhelmed by the sense of being called to go with this group. Over the past several months when I was asked by someone if I was going on the trip, I always had an answer and explanation as to why I was not going. Then suddenly one day I no longer had an explanation – my reasons had no foundation and had merely become excuses. I have yet to discover the reason for my going, but I am following the chosen calling.

I have been chosen to go on a journey that will without a doubt change me. I know that not one of us in the group will return unchanged. Change can be scary and uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. It might mean letting go of things that we’ve clung to for so long that we don’t even realize its damage. It might mean giving up the things we want and being content with what we need. It might mean jumping into uncertainties and unknowns instead of standing still with the familiar. Regardless, it is my prayer that each one of us who have been chosen to follow this calling to serve in Ghana will embrace this change with faith that God works for the good of those who love Him.

carpe diem.

2010-01-10T14:32:00.002-05:00

i have never been big on the hype of new years eve and new years resolutions. so when a friend of mine began to ask me about my goals and such for 2010, i honestly hadn't thought too much about it. but i found myself able to express some "resolutions" quite easily - not at all typical resolutions such as losing 10 pounds, or stop biting nails, or whatever it may be. as i talked about some of it, the commonly quoted latin phrase came to mind - carpe diem...seize the day.

aside from the crazyness of the holiday season, my life is pretty busy right now. i don't say that out of pride or boastfully - it is not necessarily good or bad. i find that all of the things i am involved in to be good and worthwhile and rewarding things. what i think is dangerous is when i let the busyness control my life, when it seems as though i just let it dictate the direction my life takes. i want to step back and prayerfully evaluate who i am and what i do and why. i want to be intentional and not just let things happen.

our high school youth group has the opportunity to serve on a missions trip to ghana, west africa. i wasn't considering going, even though i love africa and culture. i kept telling myself that i couldn't take off the time from work. a few weeks ago, something began to stir inside of me and i realized that i have absolutely no reason not to go. my excuse of not being able to miss that much work was actually just fear. i was letting busyness decide for me. a job, which i do not even really like, was about to prevent me from a once in a lifetime opportunity. carpe diem - i am going to ghana for 10 days in march.

i have not completely seized the day yet. i haven't taken the step towards quitting my job just yet. but i am fairly confident that its in the near future. i have to take one hurdle at a time - not let fear and busyness take control of my life, but faith in God's plan for me.

random assortment of fall photos.

2010-01-03T15:29:00.004-05:00

rain delays at the us open with schuyler.

katelyn, emily, and schuyler at the fall seniors linC retreat.

jacki and drew before cutting down their christmas tree thanksgiving weekend.

jacki attempting to cut down their tree.

katie, jacki, aunt kathy, me, mom, and aunt sue.

my heroes - mom and dad.

the origami christmas tree at the museum of natural history.

patience is a virtue.

2009-12-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

a new blog entry is coming...i promise.

still.

2009-10-12T14:06:00.002-04:00

i know i tend to resort to using songs as blogs...forgive me. but here is another one based upon psalm 46:10: "be still, and know that I am God..."

STILL

hide me now

under your wings

cover me

within your mighty hand

when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

i will be still and know you are God

find rest my soul

in Christ alone

know His power

in quietness and trust.

(words and music by reuben morgan)

time.

2009-10-04T20:55:00.002-04:00

i've neglected this blog long enough, i suppose. i just have a hard time feeling like anything is worth writing about, or worth reading about for that matter. for me, life just seems to chug along as always. i rarely have any major updates - not much changes in my life. in some ways, that is a good thing. it means that i am experiencing stability. in other ways, it can seem boring.

you know how you run into people that you haven't seen in a while and you go through the whole "hey, what's new?" you try to catch up on each others lives. i have that when i go back to the nursery where i used to work. its been over two years, and when i get the chance to stop by to put together plant orders, i catch up with my previous co-workers...only to quickly discover that not a whole lot has changed in my life or theirs. again, not always a bad thing.

but maybe its time to make some changes, whatever they may be. maybe i become too content with things as they are and should wish for and strive for more. the youth director, denise, who i work with as a youth group leader of our high school group LinC always challenges the kids to "dream big" (i find that since i respect denise so much, what she has to say and share with the kids so quickly becomes applicable to my own life). dream big. hmmm, what does that mean for me right now?

the theme for our missions trip this past summer was being "free." not free to do, but free from...you fill in the blank. i think i could fill in that blank in a lot of ways. but one of them has to do with fear, i think when it comes down to it. right now, despite some frustrations and issues to work out at my job, i am comfortable in it. it is stable. in terms of finances and security, i am good. but perhaps my fear of being less "stable" is keeping me from doing something else, something more.

so now, what does it mean for me to dream big and to be free? your guess is as good as mine. feel free to give advice/suggestions/input. for now, i'm seeking guidance from my faithful Shepherd.

arms open wide.

2009-08-24T11:24:00.002-04:00

"take my life, i lay it down

at the cross, where i am found

all i have i give to you, oh God.

take my hands and make them clean

keep my heart in purity

that i may walk in all you have for me.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine.

take my moments and my days

let each breath that i take

be ever only for you, oh God.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine.

my whole life is yours

i give it all

surrendered to your name

and forever i will pray

have your way

have your way.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine."

(song by hillsong united)

the vineyard: when and if...

2009-08-19T19:17:00.007-04:00

by tuesday night of our missions trip week, several of us had taken on the "boston" accent (i put that in quotes, because the accent tends to be a mix of boston, new york, and who knows what else). we threw random phrases such as "ball park", "boston chowder", "park the car", "kindergarten", "green monster cheers" into whatever conversation we were in, for the sole purpose of emphasizing our bostonian lingo (to get a taste of what this sounds like, please see schuyler sietsma, emily, lotz, or myself). needless to say, the lingo carried into the rest of the week and into our weekend. during our week, we also learned that the natives do not call it martha's vineyard, but simply "the vineyard".

we left lynn friday morning by 9am after an early wake up and cleaning of the church. we got to the ferry by lunch time, ran into a temporary road bump that was quickly solved, though not without some unwanted emotional stress. (for details on this, just ask) we ferried for 45 minutes over to our final destination: the vineyard.

thanks to the generosity of the ruitenberg family, the 33 of us truly enjoyed some relaxation and more bonding and reflection time together. after arriving on friday afternoon, we headed to the local beach for some fun in the ocean. somehow we all managed to shower afterward before a wonderful bbq dinner. some took advantage of the hot tub, some watched the yankees/red sox game, others enjoyed being outside on the deck. our night concluded with some time to reflect some more on our experiences from the past week. eventually we started to quiet down in our respective sleeping quarters - some had beds in bedrooms, some were in tents, some chose the vans, some up in the loft....but best of all, the leaders were sleeping out on the 2nd story deck, under the starry sky. how could this week possibly get better?

so then comes day 2 at the vineyard. there is a great breakfast spread - cereal, breads, juices, fruit, eggs. by 10am, we are piling into the vans to head to beach # 2 of our weekend, the beach by "jaws bridge" (if you have seen the 'jaws' movie, the scene was filmed at this bridge). this bridge is infamous for jumping off of it into the water below. no more than a 10-15 foot drop from the top of the railing to the surface of the water, we experienced the exhileration of the jump. back to where we'd set up "camp", lunch was provided. now, not too far off of shore, a schooner had arrived...the 'when and if'. for those of you who don't know this story, the ruitenbergs bought the boat that general george patton had designed and was built for him for "when and if"...when the war was over, and if he survied, general patton would sail it across the world. the war ended, but the general was killed in an accident. this boat was incredible. we all had the opportunity to sail on it, and even helped the first mate sachelle with some of the work. mr. ruitenberg also took us out tubing on the dingy - a dingy with a 50 hp engine.

from this beach we headed to another one (i can't think of the name) for pizza dinner and sunset. we sat and chatted, we threw a frisbee around, we laughed. the sky was a good bit cloudier, which we realized would limit the sunset, so we headed into edgartown for some ice cream instead. back at the house, we did some more reflection and then went around sharing who we had as a prayer partner (before leaving on the trip, we each picked a name out of someone who we were going to pray for over the week). we had a gift for our hosts, the ruitenbergs. denise had gifts for us leaders. but best of all, the kids had put together cards and money to give each of us gifts on their own. these kids have such good hearts, and i don't just say that because they gave us gifts.

sunday morning's plans got revised due to the ferry situation. so we had another early morning wake up in order to get the 8:30 ferry back to woods hole on cape cod. after a lot of driving and a few stops, we pulled back into cedar hill parking lot by dinner time greeted by some youthquest board members, and lots of parents, all excited to hear about the week.

some pictures of course...

map of the vineyard on the back of a bus...in case i get lost.

the jill jalopy.

the when and if from a distance.

jumping off of jaw's bridge.

emily, allison, shannon, katelyn, frankie, richelle, and schuyler.

garrett and andrew helping sachelle.

she realized the muscles were on the other side of the boat....yea girls.

that's a big sail...

chelsea, sara, and jamie on the dingy ride to the boat for their senior sail.

poor shannon being squished by schuyler and emily.

the when and if at its usual spot.

awaiting the sunset that we never saw.

lynn/boston 2009.

2009-08-16T13:51:00.005-04:00

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." (Galatians 5:13)

this verse was the theme verse for our week in lynn, from august 2-9. the week focused on the word "free" and what that means for us as Christians. sometimes that means not just freedom to do things, but freedom from things. through our morning devotionals, through club (time of sharing and worship and listening to a message as a whole group), but also through our church time and through our experiences of service each day, "free" developed new meaning in our lives. i can say that for myself, and i know that in observing our youth, i can say it for them too. some of us started this trip with a lot of baggage and junk in our lives. maybe for some, we came with fears and feelings of failure. and maybe others still, just came. regardless of how or why we came, God worked in us and through us and broke our hearts.

some groups worked with the kids club program right at the church we were staying at. other groups went to a local boys and girls club and built relationships with kids there. another group spent their time in more of a nursing home setting, working with elderly with alzheimers at an adult day care center. my group, the chocolate munckins, had more of a diverse week. we spent our first day, monday, at an organization called north shore arc. its a non-profit organization that strives to provide equality and opportunites to individuals with disabilities. our day was spent working in the day care playing with kids. our second day was also spent serving north shore arc. however, we did yard work at a group home that is run by the organization. we pulled lots of weeds. for me, it was a great time to see the kids work together and accomplish a task. it was tiring, we got dirty, it was hot. but, we also got to meet a massachusetts congressman, representative john tierney. he talked with us about what we were doing this week and why, what each of the kids wants to do in the future. we expected him to come work with us, but he showed up in shirt and tie. he spoke like a typical politician, but it was still interesting. our 3rd and 4th days were spent working at a local soup kitchen called 'my brothers table' (i tend to accidentally call it 'my fathers kitchen'...don't be confused). this was a challenging site. we dealt with two staff members who on the first day, really tested our patience. i kept reminding my kids to think about the people we are serving (literally, serving the food to) and not who we are working with. we all came in on the fourth day having prayed for a better experience, and kind of dreading what we thought would be another frustrating day. but it was a much more positive experience and i think we broke down whatever front graham (man in charge) puts up and we got to see his heart and why he does what he does. i was so proud of our kids, seeing their strong desire to talk with people who came to ate...to hear their stories, no matter how sad and hard it was.

my blogging about this weeks experience cannot and will not do it justice. myself and the other leaders who were there were and are so incredibly blessed by our group. these "kids" (for lack of a better word) have incredible heart and display such mature faith. each night, as our church group, we spent a couple of hours reflecting on the day. with tears in their eyes and sometimes difficulty even speaking, they shared their experiences. they worry about some of the kids they met and worked with, unsure of their futures as many of them come from broken homes and are surrounded by gangs. they wonder who is going to visit some of these elderly people once we leave. they realize how much we have - not just physical and tangible things.

on our last night in lynn, as part of club, we had a foot washing service. tony (the youth works staff who lead worship and spoke each night) began by reading john 13 and talking about jesus washing his disciples feet. it proceeded with the youth works staff washing the feet of each of us leaders, and praying over us. then as church groups, we leaders washed the feet of our youth and prayed over them. this was a powerful, unforgettable, yet humbling experience. what was so beautiful for me to hear (and see a little bit, though i was mostly busy washing and praying), was the love and support that our kids gave each other. friends hugging friends while they struggled and cried is one thing, a beautiful thing too. but to see kids who aren't even really friends, embracing one another and praying with each other, still brings a smile to my heart.

this missions trip was one of the best weeks of my life, hands down. i knew that the week had the potential to work in my life. i don't think i knew the extent of how much it would. God is good. i encourage anyone who comes in contact with any of the youth, or even the leaders, who went on this trip to ask them about their experience. and don't just settle for a "good" when you ask how the trip was.

(yes, i realize i have not even begun to speak of the weekend that followed our week of service...our 3 days on martha's vineyard...i will get to that).

van members of the "jill jalopy".

brittany with anya.

emily, schuyler, brittany, allison, jamie, jess, and myself at nahant beach.

the chocolate munchkins (woot woot!) on breakfast clean up duty.

amy and shannon getting dirty planting flowers at the group home.

emily, shannon, jamie and schulyer at quincy market in downtown boston.

my chocolate munchkins - shannon, katelyn, emily, jamie, brittany, chris, amy, garrett, jon.

views of lynn, massachusetts.

the entire group - 2 groups from michigan, and our jersey kids.

view of the water at gloucester beach.

last morning - tony (youth works staff) leading some 80's aerobics.

myself with jared, an amazing kid from the community of lynn.

welcome back.

2009-08-11T08:42:00.001-04:00

i've just been away from the work world for 17 days. i promise pictures, and lots of words...but give me a few days.

17 days off...

2009-08-01T20:12:00.005-04:00

9 days down, 8 to go. but that is in no way a countdown to look forward to. it is more of a, enjoy every single moment of it. because that following monday, back at work, is going to be dreadful. i might be ready for some "normal life" by then...but not so sure work needs to be included in that.

the house is strangely quiet. for the past week i have been in a house with 10 other people. suddenly, i am back at my home and aside from the sound of the air conditioner and the mets game in the background, it is silent. my parents are probably in the air on their way to california as i write. as much as i can enjoy some alone time, i personally miss the noise and constant socialization.

so our week in the outer banks was just fabulous. i had a really good time. my mom must have noticed, cause she kept saying to me, "you are really enjoying this aren't you jill?" aside from missing some special people, not much else could have made it better. lots of time at the beach and pool. some kayaking. some waverunning. plenty of relaxing. dinner and devotions with family. flying kites. catching crabs. swinging on the hammock. watching thunderstorms. God is good. this past week was exactly what i needed.

and now i am doing some last minute preparations for my next 8 days off - missions trip with our high school youth group to lynn, ma (just outside of boston) for some service and then a long weekend at martha's vineyard. i'm not convinced i have packed everything i need, but in some ways, i don't care. i'm there to serve and not worry about whether i wore this shirt 3 days ago or not.

i guess i'll put some photos from the week...

drew getting the hang of skimboarding...

i think liesl got the hang of the hammock pretty quickly...

sunrise over the sound...

with my nieces by the turtles...

jacki being silly...