take my heart, i lay it down

at the feet of You whose crowned

take my life, i'm letting go

i lift it up to You whose throned

and i will worship You, Lord

only You, Lord

and i will bow down before You

only You, Lord

take my fret, take my fear

all i have, i'm leaving here

be all my hopes, be all my dreams

be all my delights, be my everything

and i will worship You, Lord

only You, Lord

and i will bow down before You

only You, Lord

and it's just You and me here now

only You and me here now

You should see the view

when it's only You

(only You - david crowder band)

sometimes God uses the most unexpected people, the most unexpected times and circumstances and situations, to grab a hold of our attention and speak to our heart. He uses those as his voice to speak to us in the time when we need it most. not necessarily when we want it, but when we need it. 

i went to youth group tonight not expecting a whole lot. not that i expected to be bored or disappointed, but just anticipated the "usual". i have to admit, i don't think my heart has always been in the right place when it comes to youth group and my serving in that role. but tonight, the unexpected came through to me at a time when i needed it to. 

trust. trust God. i don't always have the easiest time trusting people (though i have found that i often end up trusting the most random people), especially not with my life or my heart. sure, i could blame it on past experience. i could use psychology to explain why any certain experience may have led to my having difficulty with trust. most of them would be rational and understandable and justifiable. but i don't want to make excuses. we have to move on from any past hurts or betrayals or disappointments. we have to start new every day and not assume that what happened once will necessarily happen again. 

most of all, i need to know that i can (and should) trust God. i should trust Him always. i should trust Him first and foremost. most other relationships will let us down at one time or another. but God never will. God desires good for me. God desires my heart and my life - He desires me. most of the time, i only give him parts of it, or most of it. but that part that i try to hold onto is what hinders me. my desire to be in control actually causes my downfall. 

thank you, ben, for being so clear about what it means to trust God. thank you for being the voice to stir my heart into re-realizing that i need to give up everything and trust Him. 

i give up my life. i give Him my heart. i hand over my frets and fears. and all i am left to do is to worship and bow down to, to put my hope in a God who loves me and died for me. why wouldn't i trust in that? 

DIVINE ROMANCE - PHIL WICKHAM


the fullness of Your grace is here with me
the richness of Your beauty's all i see
the brightness of Your glory has arrived
in Your presence God, i'm completely satisfied


all for you, i sing i dance
rejoice in this divine romance
lift my heart and my hands
to show my love, to show my love


a deep deep flood, an ocean flows from You
of deep deep love, yeah it's filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life 
in Your presence God, i'm completely satisfied 



all for you, i sing i dance
rejoice in this divine romance
lift my heart and my hands
to show my love, to show my love

God is my Shepherd

i won't be wanting

i won't be wanting

He makes me rest

in fields of green

with quiet streams

even though i walk

through the valley

of death and dying

i will not fear

'cause You are with me

You are with me

Your shepherd staff

comforts me

You are my feast

in the presence of enemy

surely goodness

will follow me

follow me

in the house of God, forever

(house of God, forever - jon foreman)

remember how i said i often have songs running through my head? well, this is the song of the week, it seems. i was at church early this week to fill in with greeting and welcoming, so i had the privilege of hearing the praise band not only lead it during worship but also rehearse it. it wasn't the first time i heard it but i do love it.

i have to be honest though. it was difficult for me to join in singing along with them. so i stood quietly, letting my heart and soul just absorb the words. 

i feel as though i have been walking through the valley lately. not of death and dying, but just of ongoing struggles and battles, mostly with myself. a part of me feels guilty to speak of any sort of valley, or to get emotional and mention "struggles", because when it comes down to it there is absolutely nothing "wrong" in my life right now. there is no family or friend tragedy. i am actually incredibly blessed in so many ways. but for whatever reason, my head and my heart (and therefore my soul) have been battling. against each other. with themselves. with others. the devil is very aware of my fragility and seems to be adding to it constantly. 

i try to fight it daily. but i cannot. the more i fight, the more i lose. thankfully, i have a God who is my Shepherd. 

it takes some serious breaking down to get someone as stubborn and independent as me to realize that only God can get me through. and He will get me through. He uses people close to me as His means of not only working on me, but also comforting me and reminding me of God's love. there is no need to fear. trust in God. 

this song also reminds me of God's faithfulness, which helps point me in the right direction. the night before my mom's operation to remove her cancer our Bible study recited psalm 23 together as a reminder of God's goodness and promise to walk with us. not only did the surgery go very well, her treatment with the most minimal side effects, but she is also healthy and strong and almost 5 years in remission. PTL. 

trust steadily in God. hope unswervingly. love extravagantly. 

champ.

he is a champ in my book in so many ways. i am blessed to be his wife.

on march 24th, jason ran a half marathon with world vision in order to help raise money to provide water for people in need in africa.

jason with frank, his pastor, friend, and training partner.

some of the savior CC team

it is finished.

"when Jesus had received the sour wine, he said,

'it is finished,'

and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit."

john 19:30

there is nothing left to be done, it is finished. God's wrath has been satisfied. every sin of every person to have lived in past, living in the present (time of Jesus' crucifixion), and to live in the future has been forgiven. there was no other way to complete it; there is nothing left to be completed. it is finished.

i don't know if i always live as if it is finished. obviously the completion of atonement doesn't mean that i no longer sin, that i have been made perfect. i fall short each and every day, multiple times a day. my awareness of this, my need to "fix" things, and my independent nature leads me to try to receive further forgiveness. i don't think i do it consciously - sin, realize my mistakes, and do something good to make up for it. it is below the surface. but there is nothing i can do to make it more finished. that wasn't part of God's plan.

it is finished. life like it is. live in gratitude for the completion. live in recognition that we need Jesus as our Savior each and every day.

God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh, the sabbath. last night frank (pastor frank, to be more accurate) pointed out that Jesus rested on the seventh day too. his work was complete and on the seventh day he rested. today - the day in between good friday and easter - was a day of rest. His last week on earth started with the Triumphal Entry on Palm Sunday. we don't have a day-by-day account of Jesus' "creation", but we can take what we have from the Gospels to know that Jesus last week on earth was full of teaching and preparing. it was more or less his last chance to teach his disciples and prepare them for their ministries.

Jesus washes their feet, an example that he wants them to follow, both literally and figuratively. live as servants. put others first. He gives them a "new" commandment: love one another. He explains that he is the way, the truth, and the life. He promises a helper, the Holy Spirit. He describes himself as the true vine, that we are branches of this true vine. our branches are to bear fruit (through the true vine) but our branches need pruning. He warns them of persecution and being hated by the world. He tries to explain as best as possible, without just spelling it out for them, what is about to happen. He tells them that sorrow will turn to joy. He prays. Jesus, the Savior of the world, prays in submission to His Father. "glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you' (john 17:1). He breaks bread with His disciples, establishing a tradition to celebrate until we eat and drink with Him one day in Heaven.

as his time draws nearer, Jesus prays again in the Garden of Gethsemane. his time comes and Jesus experiences the ultimate betrayal. judas, one of the twelve disciples that he has been loving and teaching and guiding for several years now, betrays him and hands him over. judas betrays him in leading the soldiers, chief priests and pharisees to him, but Jesus offers himself voluntarily.

good friday. a culmination of events that are hard to imagine, hard to watch depictions (in movies such as 'the passion of the Christ'). Jesus suffers immense physical pain and torture. but we cannot forget the emotional and spiritual pain he suffers. betrayal. denial of another disciple. separation from His Father, forsaken.

all for love. for love of God's will and for love of His people. for love of me.

after all of this, he rests.

can you imagine what was going through the minds of His disciples on this day? can you imagine what His mother felt? although they had been told many times, did they really understand what the next day would bring? did they hold out hope for the 8th day?

'love never fails...and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love.' (1 corinthians 13:8a, 13)

'we love because He first loved us.' (1 john 4:19)

these are a few of my favorite things...

i have to confess that these photos were not taken this season, or even this spring. i think they are from the fall actually - a day when kate and i took the boys (more like she took the boys and me) to the glen rock arboretum. she already had her new camera at that point so she handed off her old one for me to start using and "practicing" (i say practicing because she and adam generously gave it to jay and i for christmas).

but these photos do represent something that i do love - the outdoors. nature. plants. perennials, shrubs and trees. i love being among them, i loved selling them, i love designing their perfect spots and locations in a landscape.

it makes sense, then, that i would use this love and turn it into a career...or soon to be. jay and i are working towards developing a landscape design company. it is all very exciting. i have been playing around and practicing using the program i will design with - dynascape. dynascape design, dynascape color, and eventually dynascape sketch 3D. that is right folks. soon you will be able to see my designs in a 3D format. (i guess that is really just 2D until it is an actual landscape)

i am very excited about this endeavor. alongside this endeavor i am also beginning a new job. i have been unemployed for just over 17 months and now i am stepping back into the work world. i will be employed by paul keys associates doing very similar work to my past job, except that it is landscape exclusive.

new endeavors. new stages in life. new schedules and routines (not to mention that i will have to be in tenafly by about 7:15am). it is all new to me, which could and can be scary at times, but i won't let the unknowns and fears take hold. it is new, but God is still the same. He is faithful. He is present. He goes with me and before me.

sanctification:

- "the state of growing in divine grace"

it was good? can you imagine what our once perfect and sinless creation looked like? the beauty of blooming spring flowers certainly provides an allusion to eden, but it isn't the real deal. it isn't the "very good" creation that God made. this isn't what God intended.

forget creation. look at us - look at me, look at you, look around. we aren't what God intended either.

just like flowering spring trees provides an allusion of the good that was intended, we can occasionally sprout some things that resemble "good". but i am far from what God intended of me.

sanctification. sanctification provides hope for me, for you, for us. although we are currently justified, we will also one day be completely sanctified. i long for that day.

all this earth

could all that is lost ever be found

could a garden come up from this ground at all

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things out of dust

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things out of us

all around

hope is springing up from this old ground

out of chaos life is being found in You

(gungor - beautiful things)

God intended me to be beautiful, but i am not beautiful today. one day, though.