patience is a virtue.

a new blog entry is coming...i promise.

still.

i know i tend to resort to using songs as blogs...forgive me. but here is another one based upon psalm 46:10: "be still, and know that I am God..."

STILL

hide me now

under your wings

cover me

within your mighty hand

when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

i will be still and know you are God

find rest my soul

in Christ alone

know His power

in quietness and trust.

(words and music by reuben morgan)

time.

i've neglected this blog long enough, i suppose. i just have a hard time feeling like anything is worth writing about, or worth reading about for that matter. for me, life just seems to chug along as always. i rarely have any major updates - not much changes in my life. in some ways, that is a good thing. it means that i am experiencing stability. in other ways, it can seem boring.

you know how you run into people that you haven't seen in a while and you go through the whole "hey, what's new?" you try to catch up on each others lives. i have that when i go back to the nursery where i used to work. its been over two years, and when i get the chance to stop by to put together plant orders, i catch up with my previous co-workers...only to quickly discover that not a whole lot has changed in my life or theirs. again, not always a bad thing.

but maybe its time to make some changes, whatever they may be. maybe i become too content with things as they are and should wish for and strive for more. the youth director, denise, who i work with as a youth group leader of our high school group LinC always challenges the kids to "dream big" (i find that since i respect denise so much, what she has to say and share with the kids so quickly becomes applicable to my own life). dream big. hmmm, what does that mean for me right now?

the theme for our missions trip this past summer was being "free." not free to do, but free from...you fill in the blank. i think i could fill in that blank in a lot of ways. but one of them has to do with fear, i think when it comes down to it. right now, despite some frustrations and issues to work out at my job, i am comfortable in it. it is stable. in terms of finances and security, i am good. but perhaps my fear of being less "stable" is keeping me from doing something else, something more.

so now, what does it mean for me to dream big and to be free? your guess is as good as mine. feel free to give advice/suggestions/input. for now, i'm seeking guidance from my faithful Shepherd.

arms open wide.

"take my life, i lay it down

at the cross, where i am found

all i have i give to you, oh God.

take my hands and make them clean

keep my heart in purity

that i may walk in all you have for me.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine.

take my moments and my days

let each breath that i take

be ever only for you, oh God.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine.

my whole life is yours

i give it all

surrendered to your name

and forever i will pray

have your way

have your way.

oh here i stand

arms open wide

oh i am yours

and you are mine."

(song by hillsong united)

lynn/boston 2009.

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." (Galatians 5:13)

this verse was the theme verse for our week in lynn, from august 2-9. the week focused on the word "free" and what that means for us as Christians. sometimes that means not just freedom to do things, but freedom from things. through our morning devotionals, through club (time of sharing and worship and listening to a message as a whole group), but also through our church time and through our experiences of service each day, "free" developed new meaning in our lives. i can say that for myself, and i know that in observing our youth, i can say it for them too. some of us started this trip with a lot of baggage and junk in our lives. maybe for some, we came with fears and feelings of failure. and maybe others still, just came. regardless of how or why we came, God worked in us and through us and broke our hearts.

some groups worked with the kids club program right at the church we were staying at. other groups went to a local boys and girls club and built relationships with kids there. another group spent their time in more of a nursing home setting, working with elderly with alzheimers at an adult day care center. my group, the chocolate munckins, had more of a diverse week. we spent our first day, monday, at an organization called north shore arc. its a non-profit organization that strives to provide equality and opportunites to individuals with disabilities. our day was spent working in the day care playing with kids. our second day was also spent serving north shore arc. however, we did yard work at a group home that is run by the organization. we pulled lots of weeds. for me, it was a great time to see the kids work together and accomplish a task. it was tiring, we got dirty, it was hot. but, we also got to meet a massachusetts congressman, representative john tierney. he talked with us about what we were doing this week and why, what each of the kids wants to do in the future. we expected him to come work with us, but he showed up in shirt and tie. he spoke like a typical politician, but it was still interesting. our 3rd and 4th days were spent working at a local soup kitchen called 'my brothers table' (i tend to accidentally call it 'my fathers kitchen'...don't be confused). this was a challenging site. we dealt with two staff members who on the first day, really tested our patience. i kept reminding my kids to think about the people we are serving (literally, serving the food to) and not who we are working with. we all came in on the fourth day having prayed for a better experience, and kind of dreading what we thought would be another frustrating day. but it was a much more positive experience and i think we broke down whatever front graham (man in charge) puts up and we got to see his heart and why he does what he does. i was so proud of our kids, seeing their strong desire to talk with people who came to ate...to hear their stories, no matter how sad and hard it was.

my blogging about this weeks experience cannot and will not do it justice. myself and the other leaders who were there were and are so incredibly blessed by our group. these "kids" (for lack of a better word) have incredible heart and display such mature faith. each night, as our church group, we spent a couple of hours reflecting on the day. with tears in their eyes and sometimes difficulty even speaking, they shared their experiences. they worry about some of the kids they met and worked with, unsure of their futures as many of them come from broken homes and are surrounded by gangs. they wonder who is going to visit some of these elderly people once we leave. they realize how much we have - not just physical and tangible things.

on our last night in lynn, as part of club, we had a foot washing service. tony (the youth works staff who lead worship and spoke each night) began by reading john 13 and talking about jesus washing his disciples feet. it proceeded with the youth works staff washing the feet of each of us leaders, and praying over us. then as church groups, we leaders washed the feet of our youth and prayed over them. this was a powerful, unforgettable, yet humbling experience. what was so beautiful for me to hear (and see a little bit, though i was mostly busy washing and praying), was the love and support that our kids gave each other. friends hugging friends while they struggled and cried is one thing, a beautiful thing too. but to see kids who aren't even really friends, embracing one another and praying with each other, still brings a smile to my heart.

this missions trip was one of the best weeks of my life, hands down. i knew that the week had the potential to work in my life. i don't think i knew the extent of how much it would. God is good. i encourage anyone who comes in contact with any of the youth, or even the leaders, who went on this trip to ask them about their experience. and don't just settle for a "good" when you ask how the trip was.

(yes, i realize i have not even begun to speak of the weekend that followed our week of service...our 3 days on martha's vineyard...i will get to that).

van members of the "jill jalopy".

brittany with anya.

emily, schuyler, brittany, allison, jamie, jess, and myself at nahant beach.

the chocolate munchkins (woot woot!) on breakfast clean up duty.

amy and shannon getting dirty planting flowers at the group home.

emily, shannon, jamie and schulyer at quincy market in downtown boston.

my chocolate munchkins - shannon, katelyn, emily, jamie, brittany, chris, amy, garrett, jon.

views of lynn, massachusetts.

the entire group - 2 groups from michigan, and our jersey kids.

view of the water at gloucester beach.

last morning - tony (youth works staff) leading some 80's aerobics.

myself with jared, an amazing kid from the community of lynn.

welcome back.

i've just been away from the work world for 17 days. i promise pictures, and lots of words...but give me a few days.

17 days off...

9 days down, 8 to go. but that is in no way a countdown to look forward to. it is more of a, enjoy every single moment of it. because that following monday, back at work, is going to be dreadful. i might be ready for some "normal life" by then...but not so sure work needs to be included in that.

the house is strangely quiet. for the past week i have been in a house with 10 other people. suddenly, i am back at my home and aside from the sound of the air conditioner and the mets game in the background, it is silent. my parents are probably in the air on their way to california as i write. as much as i can enjoy some alone time, i personally miss the noise and constant socialization.

so our week in the outer banks was just fabulous. i had a really good time. my mom must have noticed, cause she kept saying to me, "you are really enjoying this aren't you jill?" aside from missing some special people, not much else could have made it better. lots of time at the beach and pool. some kayaking. some waverunning. plenty of relaxing. dinner and devotions with family. flying kites. catching crabs. swinging on the hammock. watching thunderstorms. God is good. this past week was exactly what i needed.

and now i am doing some last minute preparations for my next 8 days off - missions trip with our high school youth group to lynn, ma (just outside of boston) for some service and then a long weekend at martha's vineyard. i'm not convinced i have packed everything i need, but in some ways, i don't care. i'm there to serve and not worry about whether i wore this shirt 3 days ago or not.

i guess i'll put some photos from the week...

drew getting the hang of skimboarding...

i think liesl got the hang of the hammock pretty quickly...

sunrise over the sound...

with my nieces by the turtles...

jacki being silly...

photos from the past few months...in reverse order.

planting job in franklin lakes with frankie, minor, and mexico.

rebecca and me by the sea lions at central park zoo.

i was joking when i told them to kiss as they posed by the sunset, but they took me seriously.

echs graduation with some of my girls.

linC olympics - kelsey, brianne, kristen traub, kristen lindsay, katelyn, schuyler.

steel force at dorney park w/ linC - no me gusta!

arrielle's birthday party at our state track meet.

city grace church in nyc with linC.

branchbrook park, newark, nj for cherry blossom festival.

happy birthday to me! serendipity with some of my favorite people.

ecms girls basketball 2008-2009 - thanking our team manager with some high fives.

by your side.

i know that i promised photos, and i will get to that soon - maybe even this week. but for now, just some song lyrics. its a song by tenth avenue north called 'by your side' that the 8th graders of ECMS sang this past week at graduation...

BY YOUR SIDE

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

side note.

my blog has almost no pictures remaining on my first page. i will fix that soon. be patient.

all things.

i spent the fall semester of my junior in kenya, east africa. (followed in my middle sister's footsteps - thank you kate for letting me share that experience) one of our weekend excursions was to climb mt. kenya. what an amazing adventure that was, to say the least. one of the things i remember is a friend of mine repeating "all things" throughout the trek, though most frequently at the more difficult and exhausting parts. "all things" being a phrase from paul's letter to the philippians in chapter 4:13. its a very familiar passage. in this case, it was a source of strength and inspiration and a reminder not to give up.

i am part of a bible study that has been looking at the book of philippians for past few months. it is full of a lot of familiar passages, but often read them with the same old eyes and heart and mind as always and interpret it as we always have. i know i do. philippians 4:13 in particular is often used as a verse of encouragement. we apply it to times when we have a goal that we want to accomplish and look to it for strength and focus. this past weeks study included this verse, "i can do everything (all things) through Him who gives me strength." one of our bible study members had a bible with a different translation. i wish i had the exact wording, but it said something like, i can do everything that He calls me to do through Him who gives me strength.

how often do we...no, how often do i decide what it is i want to do and then look to God to provide me with the strength to accomplish it? i think i am really quite good at it actually. and then in those times when i didn't feel strong, my mind immediately wonders where God was. i know i am not the only one to live this way - i think its a common mentality. sometimes i strive for things that God does not necessarily call me to, or intend for me. i've never felt very good at discerning what God's will is for me. sometimes i struggle with hearing other people's claim at God's will for them (when it seems like they use it for something they just want to do). but who am i to judge?

if you know me at all, you know that i have a hard time with this - what am i supposed to be doing? what job is God calling me to? right now i feel very little purpose for me in my job. but i am so tired of changing my mind, finding something new thinking that this is "it", only to feel empty a bit later. but the whole, try to have a positive attitude mentality isn't really working in my current situation anymore. i am trying to incorporate the two - "all things" and doing what He calls me to do.

(this got very random - as usual)

format.

i apologize for the format of the blog below. no matter how many times i changed it and it was correct in my draft, the published post shows up lacking spacing.

tangent.

let me begin with, more or less, a warning. the following blog will probably consist of several different thoughts and ideas, rather than one flowing "thesis" or theme.

i think its appropriate at this time of year (i hate to refer to it as that, a "time of year"...though i don't really like to term it as a "holiday" either) as we think about good friday and easter and what that means for us, that we think about forgiveness. the obvious example of forgiveness being that of our forgiveness for our sins, through the death of our Savior. but this example of ultimate forgiveness (and of course sacrifice) is one that should carry over into our lives - into our relationships with others. i recently heard something that really caught my attention. one of those things that i should obviously know, but i liked the reminder. i wish i could remember where i heard it so that i could quote it more accurately, but hopefully i can get the point across. they said that Christianity is more than forgiveness. it is a desire to change. in other words, its not an acceptance of things how they are, but a desire to strive for what ought to be.

so, on another note...i want to share with you a song that i've just recently become aware of. i've heard songs before on psalm 139, but this one has especially struck something inside of me. the words are central to it, but i find myself even more drawn to the "performance" of it on the cd i have that is put out by mars hill church in michigan. its written by aaron niequist but sung by a womans beautiful voice. let me share the words:

PSALM 139

search me, o God

and know my heart today

and test me and know all my thoughts.

show me, o God

the wickedness in me

and wash me and lead me to you.

so search me

and know me

and test me

and show me.

and wash me

and heal me

and hold me

and free me.

i need you

i need you

i love you

i need you.

search me, o God

and know my heart today

and test me and know all my thoughts.

show me, o God

the wickness is me

and wash me and lead me to you.

psalm 139 has become one of my favorite psalms, but also one of my favorite group of verses in the bible. i think we are often drawn to the comforting spirit of verses 7-10, for exampe. but do we always think about what is said at the end, verses 23-24, the verses that we see in the song above? for one, do we really want God to search us and know all our thoughts? but more than that, how many of us truly want to be tested?

so, have you heard about the concept of "empty calories"? i can remember my high school PE/health teacher talking about this idea - skittles being the example i recall. they are full of calories, but not of nutrients. (okay now i stop and wonder if my analogy is quite right here). now i am thinking about the concept of "empty words". lately i've been thinking about church and parts of worship and the like, and i've discussed litany and responsive readings with a few. let me begin by making a disclaimer - i am not against them, i have nothing against them. i think what it comes down to is something in me that is lacking. so i find that during worship services, when we do litanies and responsive readings, it can become like "empty words" for me. i become more focused on the physical reading of it, and less attentive to what is behind the words. i think this ties into what i was saying about psalm 139 - if i thought about what i was saying/reading, would i really mean them and say it as confidently?

with that being said, i listen to the song over and over again in my car (loudly mind you....so as to tune everything - and yes, sometimes that means that i make a turn or two that i didn't mean to, or miss a turn that i should have made) and let it be a prayer to the God whose hand is always there, waiting for ours to reach for Him.

(my apologies to anyone who expected pictures...and actually, this blog isn't at all what was being brainstormed in my head...but its what came out, nonetheless.)

coming soon...

much like my sister(s), i formulate blogs in my head before actually writing them. and just so you know, one is in the making. its just hard to compete with the photos and words of theirs. but i shall try.

25 things...

even though i already posted a note of "25 random thing" about me on facebook, since i haven't blogged in a while and feel overdue for a post, i think i will attempt another 25 things. its your choice to read or not. and since you are reading my blog, you know me, and may know some of these things...

1. i always took the whole "don't drink and drive" thing literally as a kid - was always appalled to see my parents take a sip or two (of non-alcoholic beverages) while at the wheel.
2. i don't like tomatoes on sandwiches or in things, but i like ketchup, tomato sauce, and salsa.
3. i get bloody noses somewhat often - in fact, in first grade, i got one randomly while we were sitting on the carpet. it wouldn't stop, so the nurse had my dad come pick me up.
4. i need a blanket or pillow or something to hold when i'm sitting on a couch. i don't know why, i just do.
5. i have never broken a boke or had stitches (aside from stitches when my wisdom teeth were pulled).
6. i had 6 wisdom teeth pulled at once...mostly people only ever have 4 wisdom teeth total.
7. i will often take more than one shower a day, for absolutely no other reason than enjoying its relaxation.
8. one of my favorite books i read in middle school was 'where the red fern grows.' i wanted to have an old dan and little ann of my own.
9. i subconsciously type in my head - i type what i say, i type what others say, i type what i hear on tv. not constantly, but most of the time.
10. i don't like coffee. i even tried to like it a few times. just can't do it.
11. i cried the first time i saw old yeller. (i remember going to sit on my dad's lap cause i was so upset...though it was more that lump in your throat type of upset)
12. i used to have bad dreams after watching shows like cops.
13. i like to listen to music in the shower, though i don't do it very often.
14. i wish i learned to play the piano.
15. i don't wake up well from naps, especially if they are too long - i get all sweaty and feel sick and delirious for a long while after.
16. i have a fear of snakes.
17. i tend to pass out / black out / not feel well at hospitals. visiting newborns and their parents are the exception to this.
18. i have yet to read the last harry potter book, even though i've read the rest and love the series.
19. i much prefer chocolate flavored things to vanilla...but will tolerate vanilla if its the only choice.
20. i rarely wear my hair down. (i know, big shocker)
21. if you make me laugh while i am drinking, i will end up spitting it out all over.
22. i used to be really good at memorizing numbers, phone numbers in general, until cell phones came along and remember it all for us.
23. i used to climb out of my crib to play basketball instead of napping - i had a basketball hoop on the door closet.
24. my family called me "boomer" growing up - apparently it was for my tom-boyish, "hardy" (tough) outgoingness.
25. i've never seen 'back to the future' or 'star wars'.

time flies...when your having fun?

i think time flies, regardless. fun, or not fun, it quickly passes us by. my oldest niece is 8 (going on 9 in april!) both my sisters have two kids each. college is no longer a year or so ago, but 4 1/2 years ago. my "new" job is no longer new - i've been there for a year and a half. i could go on and on, but my point would be the same. tomorrow quickly becomes yesterday.

happy new year. bring on 2009. (i've already had to cross out the 8 and rewrite it as 2009 once already, in my checkbook - it always takes a little while before it becomes normal...and then before we know it, it changes again) i haven't sat down and come up with a particular resolution for 2009, though we all have things in the back of our mind that we'd like to accomplish or change. i could go through 2008 in review. but just like every other year, it was a true mix of struggles and blessings all in one.

the scripture at the old years eve service at my church this year came from the book of numbers. a very common and familiar benediction...but i listened to it a bit better this time, and it is my prayer for all those in my life...that you/we would be filled with the Lord's peace. so may these words bring you into the new year:

"the Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face shine upon you

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace."

numbers 6:24-26