when the forsythia blooms...

jay thinks that it should be a title of a book, when the forsythia blooms. instead i use it for the title of the post but cannot claim to be the originator of the phrase. i just like it.

summer was most likely my favorite season growing up as a kid for obvious reasons - off from school. even when you are no longer enrolled in any sort of education, summer still has its draws. there is something about it that feels a bit more relaxing. even when i was working and my sisters (both teachers at various points) were off for the summer i still felt much of the summer vibe.

but over the past few years i have discovered my love of spring. i think it probably started in college. i went to school in michigan - grand rapids, michigan to be exact. i am not sure if it is an accurate claim but much of the dreary and depressing weather of grand rapids from october-may is blamed on the "lake effect". or maybe that is just what all of the snow is explained by. regardless, grand rapids is a pretty gloomy place, in terms of weather, from what i remember lasting from mid-october till just about the beginning of may. i don't think i am exaggerating too much. the winter felt very long even when it wasn't snowing. i became aware of seasonal affective disorder in psychology and it quickly made sense to me - i felt down because of the lack of sun and green nature.

then spring came. commons lawn regained its lush, dark green color. the tulips (this is the land of the dutch, you know) bloomed. trees budded leaves and flowers. the sky more frequently rid itself of gloomy clouds and let the sun shine through its blueness. spring came and my spirits were renewed.

i believe my first post-college job at the nursery further developed my love of spring. partly because i loved returning from a winter of unemployment (the bittersweet reality of seasonal work) and getting back to work in mid-march. but also, we received delivery after delivery of beautiful, sweet-smelling, colorful plants. star magnolias, kwanzan cherries, chinese dogwoods. azaleas, lilacs, andromeda. and of course, forsythia.

as i drive around now, or on bike rides or walks, i notice the increasing colors. i take in the scents of spring. especially today, walking through the hundreds of cherry trees (many of which have started to bloom), i notice my mood shift. i start to walk a bit lighter. i hold my head up more often. yes, i feel myself become more "jill"...when the forsythia blooms.

self-checkout

unless i have a shopping cart full of items (and by "full" i mean, more than 15 individual items), and so long as it is offered, i always use self-checkout at stores. part of me loves the role of the cashier - moving things down the conveyor belt...which doesn't really exist on the self-checkouts, but i can pretend...finding the bar code on an item and scanning it, bagging it strategically so that nothing gets damaged or spoiled. when we were young we had a toy cash register that i just loved. i remember rummaging around the house for things to scan at the "store". part of me chooses the self-check out to be faster. but who am i kidding, it is never faster.

the majority of the time, my self-checkout register gives me enough problems to make the whole process unenjoyable and much longer than it needs to be or would be if i just went to a cashier. the worst is when you have a problem, it requires the help of an employee, and no one is anywhere to be found. then finally, minutes later, one shows up. they simply enter a code and the "problem" is solved. (mind you, there never was a problem - the machine just chose to act up even though i scanned the item properly and put it in a bag as required)

but sometimes i am reckless, in a rush, and don't follow instructions (i had this problem as a young elementary school student too). the other day i was purchasing a single item - parchment paper for my baked sweet potato fries to be placed on in the oven - and it took many minutes more then it should have. the scanning process went just fine. it was the purchasing that took time. i swiped my card, enter the pin number, and the screen just kept freezing on the authorizing screen. meanwhile the checkout screen said to wait for an attendant. like usual, the attendant was nowhere to be found. finally one appears for a few seconds, does something, tells me to use my card. right away i think, yea that is what i have been doing. but i figure he adjusted something to allow it to work. same thing. authorizing. wait for an attendant. the boy is long gone and no one else is around. i push the help button finally in desperation. a women comes by to help. she does the same thing as the first boy, only she continues to explaining to either scan my a&p card or hit the no button. this is what he meant by use my card. seeing as a have an a&p card on my key chain, i swipe away and proceed with success to checkout. if i had just gone to a cashier i probably would have been home already at this point.

there is one thing i forgot to mention. something i am quite proud of. i used to shy away from using self-checkout if i had a produce item to purchase. the thought of weighing it and knowing the code and such intimidated me. i no longer live with this fear. some stores provide a station in the produce section where you can enter the code, weigh it and a sticker will be printed that has a bar code for scanning. but at other locations i simply go to the self-checkout, place the item on the scanner to be weighed, and enter the product code number. if it isn't on a sticker on the item, i simply look it up. though to be honest, there is always a part of me that is afraid i might enter the wrong code and get undercharged and that suddenly some cashier or employ will come after me for the unpaid cents.

amen.

in case you missed jay and my first dance (oh wait, or perhaps you weren't invited...), i just wanted to share the words with you. nothing fancy, but beautiful in it's simplicity and truth.

We will have love
We will have pain
There will be days and days and days that feel the same
We will have fear
We will have joy
And maybe little girls and little boys

We will have friends
We will have peace
There will be nights of lights and music 'til you sleep
We will be strong
We will still break
We'll live through so much more than we can take

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

We will have hope
We will have doubt
There will be memories we could never live without
We will have tears
But there will be grace
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

In the sun or the storms
The flood or the flames
When everything's wrong, and I'm the one to blame
In heartache or hope
I swear I'll say, I'll say

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

good intentions...or are they?

"i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do. and if i do what i do not want to do, i agree that the law is good. as it is, it is no longer i myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. for i know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what it is good, but i cannot carry it out. for i do not do the good i want to do, but the evil i do not want to do - this i keep on doing." (romans 7:15-19)

paul says it so perfectly. good and sinful nature cannot coexist. they are constantly at war with each other. sadly, it is our sinful nature that wins much of the time. and the few times that i actually do do good, that is pure grace. it is of God, not of me.

so often i fool myself into thinking that i have good intentions. good intentions that get derailed by sin. but really, sin is at the root of it it. i am not sure that even my intentions are good - unless God is at work i me through the Holy Spirit.

i think of myself as a good person. in fact, too often i think of myself as a great person. i am kind and caring and giving and generous. even loving at times. but come full circle, and what are my intentions in being so? i do it to win people's favor and affections. i do it pridefully so that others like me and think well of me. i am kind and caring and giving and generous...and even loving...for myself. not that i would otherwise intend harm or be mean to others - but i don't often do it purely out of love, Christ-like love, for others in order to glorify God and further His kingdom.

without Christ i don't even have good intentions. i am not great, or even good. i am just sinful nature with pride and selfish ambitions. i am thankful for grace and mercy and the chance to have life in Christ. i am thankful for the sacrifice He made for me, an utterly sinful being, so that i might live. not only that, i am thankful for the work of the Holy Spirit in me to help me grow and stretch and one day become holy because of Christ. i pray that my thankfulness and my realization of how sinful i am take over my life and be transformed.

You are good, You are good

when there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

on display for all to see

You are light, You are light

when the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world

forever reign

(forever reign - hillsong)

it always comes down to these three words: faith, hope, love. it always comes down to the work of the Trinity: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

grace is enough.

i have a confession: sometimes it doesn't feel like grace is enough (i hope i am not speaking sacreligiously....if that is even a word). sometimes i feel like i need a little more. more from God. sometimes it doesn't seem like enough to get through struggles.

in actuality, i do need more. but it isn't that His grace and love isn't enough. rather, it is me who has not realized (or accepted) His grace and love enough. and as a result of that realization, need to extend it more.

i suppose it is an endless, lifelong lesson - realizing and accepting this grace. i hope and pray that each day i grow more and more in God's grace. i hope and pray that those around me can also grow in that, and that God may use me to help them grow.

calvin college has a sunday night service on campus called 'LOFT': living our faith together (or today?). when i was there, every service ended in singing a song with these words...a benediction...

my friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior

my friends may you grow in grace

and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ

to God be the glory

now and forever

now and forever, amen.

to God be the glory

now and forever

now and forever, amen.

i pray that we grow in grace, together.

poetry, love, and a snowgirl

unfortunately i seem to have lost the cord that allows me to download photos from my camera to the computer. i was holding off on sharing this blog post until i had found it. i cannot find that cord anywhere. therefore, i have to proceed without the proper photos to complement the words. imagine them as best as possible.

tonight we had a special guest at youth group. a woman named jill who is a reformed pastor and also poet who has been friends with denise for about 15 years. it was an interesting and different experience in which she shared some poetry, talked about her love of poetry, and gave us time to write some of our own. though she doesn't write overtly "Christian" poetry, she often has underlying themes and a faith perspective that a fellow disciple can pick out. when she challenged us to write some of our own, she guided us by encouraging each of us to write about faith, hope, love, trust or charity - to follow up a beautiful and poetic reading of 1 corinthians 13. although the "love chapter" is not about marriage or romantic love specifically (as she pointed out, it is actually about spiritual gifts), i chose to begin writing my poetry about love as it related to my snowy saturday.

love is oblvious to below freezing temperatures

creating a snowman with fluffy, light, unpackable snow

molding and shaping frozen slushy ice buckets into round stackable balls

chiseling out sockets for russell stover chocolate eyes

searching and scrambling the house for red string smiling lips

with numb gloveless hands and a sniffy dripping running nose

refusing to give up when the head crumbles to pieces

not settling for anything less than perfection

all for the joy and desire of his soon to be bride

(since the photos are not accessible at this point, imagine a snowgirl - we thought it looked like a female because of her "hips" - that is somewhat smaller in stature, standing on a bench by a tree. she has oak tree twig arms, a carrot nose, a brown north face winter hat, a green fashionable scarf, red string lips in the shape of a half smile, and russell stover chocolate eyes. she is...was...beautiful. i will add the photos as soon as i find a way, or the cord)

amazing grace.

how very cliche of me, i realize that. but there is nothing cliche about grace.

we who speak "christianese" use the word very frequently. we can even define it (and by define, i mean recite a sunday school or catechism learned explanation of it). we experience grace all of the time, every day, over and over again. yet, despite how often we talk about grace, it is often something that we struggle to truly grasp and recognize. worse yet, we (and by we, i mean i) fail to realize and admit how much we need grace.

most of the time, i do not realize how much grace i need and how often i need it. i walk around thinking i am doing a pretty good job at life, feeling as though i am a pretty good person. false. i am constantly sinning and struggling and the very thought that i feel so comfortable with myself shows that i am sinning. pride. pride needs grace.

last night, jay and i watched our netflix rental. to be completely honest, neither of us were completely in the mood for it. in fact, it had been mailed to us several days before and we had put it off until last night (in our defense, we are pretty busy these days and don't always have time to sit down for a 2-hour movie). but normally we are pretty quick to jump on whatever movie shows up. we both admitted, though, that we probably wouldn't ever quite get in the mood for it, especially not at the same time. 'the passion of the Christ' isn't exactly a sit back and relax kind of movie. but we watched it last night anyway, and it was just what i needed.

the thing is, i need to watch it every day. i'd like to be able to say that the impact of watching it last night lasted into today. but that would be a lie. i am very selfish today...and every day. but especially lately. i am in dire need of grace today.

thankfully, Jesus died once and for all for my sins. based on the visuals i saw last night, grace is very amazing. how He loves.

those around me have shown me an incredible amount of grace lately too. i am thankful for that. i am thankful that God's grace overflows into them so that they can pour it out on me. i pray that the love and grace of Christ so overflows the cup in my life that i can grow in my abilities to reflect it to those around me.