faith. hope. love.

We are at the point of counting down by days rather than weeks – 25 days till departure. There are days when I wake up and for a moment think to myself, I’m not going to go. Usually this has more to do with the fact that I don’t even want to get out of bed that morning to face the day, let alone think about traveling so far from home. The irrational thought of cancelling the expensive flight that has already been purchased quickly disappears as my fears are replaced with excitement. I have the opportunity to serve God – whether it be in Ghana or here in New Jersey, it is something to be excited about. God promises to never leave us nor forsake us. Therefore, fear disappears.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

Fear disappears as God fills us with peace in the knowledge and assurance of His faithfulness. The past week and a half has been difficult and full of questions, some of which have no answers. Our human nature always tries to provide rational reasons for life’s events, especially the tragedies. We are not comfortable with the fact that we are less in control of life than we realize. I am a very independent person by nature – I don’t like to depend on others or ask for help. However, reality sets in and points to the difficult yet comforting fact that I am not my own. God forces us to our knees and asks us to depend on Him – He is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46:1). Despite life’s uncertainties, I can trust that my life is in His hands.

In the midst of all the thoughts and fears and questions of this past week as our community mourned the death of a saint, but also in looking back and reflecting on other times of struggle and pain, three words keep popping into my head – faith, hope, love. I have come to love these words. For me, they capture the heart and soul of the Gospel. When everything seems to be crashing down around me, when it feels like the rain never stops pouring down, when life just doesn’t make sense…but even when we are overwhelmed with the incredible blessings in life, when our hearts are full of joy, when we feel as though we are standing on top of the mountain, “these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (I Corinthians 13:13).

ghana.

i haven't blogged in a while. my mind is full of thoughts, but i don't know how to formulate them just yet. so for now i will leave you with a "journal" entry i wrote last week...

In five weeks from tomorrow our group will be setting off for a 10-day mission trip to Ghana, West Africa. The reality of this trip has yet to sink in – I’m not sure that it will until we are there in the heat of the equatorial sun, experiencing a culture in a world that despite our weekly briefing meetings our minds could never completely grasp. There is a very specific reason that each one of us is going – some of us have realized that reason, some of us think we have but will be pleasantly surprised, some of us have yet to discover the reason but are following a calling. Regardless, we have all been chosen.

I rarely think of myself as having been chosen. While I am likely to recognize that I am in certain situations for a reason, this idea does not typically translate into feeling chosen. I am part of a culture that has become so comfortable with freedom and the ability to make choices. In fact, we often become overwhelmed by decisions we face. As I walk thru life, I encounter decisions that force me to determine what I want to do. My selfish and individualistic nature is always thinking about me and my wants. I think that while God uses the Holy Spirit to guide me in my decisions, I never arrive at a place with the mentality that I was chosen to be there.

God has chosen me to be a part of the Ghana mission trip. Ever since I made the last-minute decision to go I have been overwhelmed by the sense of being called to go with this group. Over the past several months when I was asked by someone if I was going on the trip, I always had an answer and explanation as to why I was not going. Then suddenly one day I no longer had an explanation – my reasons had no foundation and had merely become excuses. I have yet to discover the reason for my going, but I am following the chosen calling.

I have been chosen to go on a journey that will without a doubt change me. I know that not one of us in the group will return unchanged. Change can be scary and uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. It might mean letting go of things that we’ve clung to for so long that we don’t even realize its damage. It might mean giving up the things we want and being content with what we need. It might mean jumping into uncertainties and unknowns instead of standing still with the familiar. Regardless, it is my prayer that each one of us who have been chosen to follow this calling to serve in Ghana will embrace this change with faith that God works for the good of those who love Him.

carpe diem.

i have never been big on the hype of new years eve and new years resolutions. so when a friend of mine began to ask me about my goals and such for 2010, i honestly hadn't thought too much about it. but i found myself able to express some "resolutions" quite easily - not at all typical resolutions such as losing 10 pounds, or stop biting nails, or whatever it may be. as i talked about some of it, the commonly quoted latin phrase came to mind - carpe diem...seize the day.

aside from the crazyness of the holiday season, my life is pretty busy right now. i don't say that out of pride or boastfully - it is not necessarily good or bad. i find that all of the things i am involved in to be good and worthwhile and rewarding things. what i think is dangerous is when i let the busyness control my life, when it seems as though i just let it dictate the direction my life takes. i want to step back and prayerfully evaluate who i am and what i do and why. i want to be intentional and not just let things happen.

our high school youth group has the opportunity to serve on a missions trip to ghana, west africa. i wasn't considering going, even though i love africa and culture. i kept telling myself that i couldn't take off the time from work. a few weeks ago, something began to stir inside of me and i realized that i have absolutely no reason not to go. my excuse of not being able to miss that much work was actually just fear. i was letting busyness decide for me. a job, which i do not even really like, was about to prevent me from a once in a lifetime opportunity. carpe diem - i am going to ghana for 10 days in march.

i have not completely seized the day yet. i haven't taken the step towards quitting my job just yet. but i am fairly confident that its in the near future. i have to take one hurdle at a time - not let fear and busyness take control of my life, but faith in God's plan for me.

random assortment of fall photos.

rain delays at the us open with schuyler.

katelyn, emily, and schuyler at the fall seniors linC retreat.

jacki and drew before cutting down their christmas tree thanksgiving weekend.

jacki attempting to cut down their tree.

katie, jacki, aunt kathy, me, mom, and aunt sue.

my heroes - mom and dad.

the origami christmas tree at the museum of natural history.

patience is a virtue.

a new blog entry is coming...i promise.

still.

i know i tend to resort to using songs as blogs...forgive me. but here is another one based upon psalm 46:10: "be still, and know that I am God..."

STILL

hide me now

under your wings

cover me

within your mighty hand

when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

i will be still and know you are God

find rest my soul

in Christ alone

know His power

in quietness and trust.

(words and music by reuben morgan)

time.

i've neglected this blog long enough, i suppose. i just have a hard time feeling like anything is worth writing about, or worth reading about for that matter. for me, life just seems to chug along as always. i rarely have any major updates - not much changes in my life. in some ways, that is a good thing. it means that i am experiencing stability. in other ways, it can seem boring.

you know how you run into people that you haven't seen in a while and you go through the whole "hey, what's new?" you try to catch up on each others lives. i have that when i go back to the nursery where i used to work. its been over two years, and when i get the chance to stop by to put together plant orders, i catch up with my previous co-workers...only to quickly discover that not a whole lot has changed in my life or theirs. again, not always a bad thing.

but maybe its time to make some changes, whatever they may be. maybe i become too content with things as they are and should wish for and strive for more. the youth director, denise, who i work with as a youth group leader of our high school group LinC always challenges the kids to "dream big" (i find that since i respect denise so much, what she has to say and share with the kids so quickly becomes applicable to my own life). dream big. hmmm, what does that mean for me right now?

the theme for our missions trip this past summer was being "free." not free to do, but free from...you fill in the blank. i think i could fill in that blank in a lot of ways. but one of them has to do with fear, i think when it comes down to it. right now, despite some frustrations and issues to work out at my job, i am comfortable in it. it is stable. in terms of finances and security, i am good. but perhaps my fear of being less "stable" is keeping me from doing something else, something more.

so now, what does it mean for me to dream big and to be free? your guess is as good as mine. feel free to give advice/suggestions/input. for now, i'm seeking guidance from my faithful Shepherd.