Lord, I need You

LORD, I NEED YOU

matt maher

Lord, i come, i confess

bowing here i find my rest

without You i fall apart

you're the One that guides my heart

Lord, i need You, oh, i need You

every hour i need You

my one defense, my righteousness

oh God, how i need You

where sin runs deep Your grace is more

where grace is found is where You are

and where You are, Lord, i am free

holiness is Christ in me

Lord, i need You, oh, i need You

every hour i need You

my one defense, my righteousness

oh God, how i need You

teach my song to rise to You

when temptation comes my way

and when i cannot stand i'll fall on You

Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, i need You, oh, i need You

every hour i need You

my one defense, my righteousness

oh God, how i need You

just because

this is actually an old photo. two summer's ago i think...but i like it. it was a beautiful location that i would really like to go back to. you can't tell from here but the water was a deep navy blue shade. surrounded by the greenery of trees. not a house in site...that i remember. beautiful.

in one minute, out the next.

i think i need to do some brain and memory exercises. it seems that my "baby brain" is not so much a temporary situation after all. i have thoughts that pop into my head and before i can even get them out - written or spoken - they slip through some crack into the depths of forgottenness. once in a while i can pull them back out but most of the time they are just gone. for example, i had a great blog post idea just minutes ago while i was walking around the house getting ready to sit down at the computer. now that i have emptied my bladder, grabbed the computer, plugged it in to charge and sat down, the idea is gone. so i will continue to blog...about nothing at all.

feelings are very temporary, overall. just a few months ago (four to be exact) i remember feeling like nothing would ever go back to "normal." okay, in a lot of ways they won't go back to normal. it's a new normal. i remember nights of her sleeping on me on the couch (not all night...but several hours) and thinking that i might never get to sleep in bed with jay again. well, we passed that stage. pretty quickly i might add. she has been sleeping in her crib for weeks now. and she has slept through the night at least 5-10 times now. i also remember feeling like each day was random and unpredictable. now, we have quite a decent daily routine and even weekly. i have to remind myself each time i get a undesirable feeling that it is just temporary and soon will be a thing of the past. even the pain and soreness that i feel as a result of pumping milk for grace, will someday be but a memory...

because this post has quickly become very random, i will continue with my non-connected thoughts. september has become another favorite month. may and september are two of the most pleasant months of the year in my book. the weather is still warm, but not typically as humid and uncomfortable as the main summer months (though folks, let's remember that summer technically goes until the 21st). okay, it might just be that this september is one of my favorites. clearly may was a favorite - my sweet grace entered the world that month. and now that i think of it, i have been inside the majority of the past three days of september. and they happen to be hotter days of the month so far. but still. i like september.

that is all for now. maybe i will remember what i was originally going to write about. maybe.

like mother, like daughter.

over the past few weeks we have done some significant driving. especially for having a now 3-month old. not knowing for sure how she would be (but pretty sure she would be okay) we ventured on the 750 mile trip to michigan for drew's wedding. and the very next weekend we headed out for another 260 mile ride to cape cod. (as an aside, she did great!) with all of this time on my hands i found myself frequently lost in thought as i gazed out the window. i began noticing all of the landscape around us - the trees, the grasses, the wildflowers. and i found myself wanting to point them out to and share them with grace. too young to understand me, let alone appreciate, i could have pointed them out to jay. but he actually beat me to it - queen anne's lace. he already knew because i had already shown it to him in the past. he even added, your mom loves those. yes she does. and now so do i. and hopefully, so will grace. 

there are a million examples of how my mom's joys and interests and loves have filtered down to me (and my sisters). classical music. simplicity. walks. flowers. the list could go on and on. now i realize how much i appreciate all of these things. and i cannot wait to share them all with grace. i'm sure nan will share them with her too. 

i'm a nerdy mom.

i recall being called a nerdy newlywed not that long ago. the label was assigned because i didn't want to be away from jay for more than one night for our girl's (craft) weekend in ocean city. what can i say? i enjoy being with my husband and miss him after very little time apart. i am proud of my nerdyness.

well, today i am labeling myself. i am a nerdy mom. today (pretty much most of the day) my brain has been thinking about grace - things to do with her, traditions, gifts, etc.. i think this brainstorming was stirred by seeing a photo someone took while they were at a hot air balloon festival. immediately i thought to myself, i want to take grace to one. i have gone a couple of times to one in central jersey growing up.

so that's where my head has been today. i have even begun composing a list - a draft in my email - of such things. am i a nerd? yes. but i am just so excited to be grace's mom and to be able to do these things with her as a family. i shared with jay the beginnings of my "idea" last night on our walk to get sushi and pizza (yes, you read that right). he liked it. that's all that matters. i am proud to be a nerdy mom.

sleeping beauty.

maybe every child is like this at 2 months old. maybe they all sleep the same. i remember my nephew alex sleeping in a similar way, but i don't think that they all do. some like to be on their sides. some like to be on the stomachs (but that, we know, is a big no-no). some like to be swaddled. in fact, we tried swaddling grace a few times for bed. any loosely swaddled position quickly got kicked out of and her arms free. so i used the new fancy swaddle blankets, that use velcro and are nearly impossible to escape. i got the sense she didn't like it, at least not for more than a couple of hours. a couple of hours is not a night of sleep for me. so we began working on new routines. 

i am happy to say that last night was the second night that she slept the whole night. 9:45 (a little later than normal because our bath got delayed) to 6:30. okay, i will confess that she stirred at 1:15. but all she needed was the soothie back in her mouth and she was good to go! no getting up. no feeding. back to sleep for another several hours. 

what i have learned is that more often than not grace needs to be in her favorite sleep position, or something close to it. arms up, legs spread. her head typically to the right. the carseat, as you will see, is a different story. it is pretty impossible, or at least very uncomfortable, to get her desired sleep position. so she has a position all its own for the car. head still to the side. legs still spread (as forced by the buckles). but hands down by her side and under her butt. 

now, there is an added dimension. you will see in the second to last photo, she likes to hold (pull) her hair with her left hand. i am starting to wonder if she didn't do that in utero. maybe that's why some of the hair on that side of the head not only curls, but sticks up and does what it wants. because it has been pulled on for months! 

here she is, our sleeping beauty...

a mix of old and new...in no particular order.

our VERY large Christmas tree...it took up half of the living room

jason enjoyed making roaring fires at our pennsylvania hobbit home

apple blossoms at the park i would walk at to bring labor on

grace finally showed up, 24 hours after getting to the hospital.

my two sleepyheads

going home!

in her favorite sleep position in her bassinet

she didn't fit in the newborn clothes very long. thankfully, i really didn't buy any.

elizabeth always looks very proud to hold her cousins

curly!! 

so peaceful. and what a profile.

our 9 pound mango.

(photo credits to electicism photography, aside from the last one taken by jason)

this is long overdue. but better late than never? 

yes, better late than never. while the doctors estimated an arrival date (or due date, as more commonly used) of may 4, 2013. despite previous protectiveness of her precious birthday aunt kate became not only more open to the possibility of sharing her day, but even was hoping for it. the day came and went, as did jason's cinco de mayo (or cinco de jayo, as more commonly referred to around here) birthday. we began to think that our little one instead wanted a day all to it's own - not shared with anyone. though not close in relation, i knew someone with a may 6th birthday. not good enough. may 7th seemed available, but perhaps i am forgetting someone. then may 8th came...

maybe i should start at the evening of may 7th to get the full picture. jason and i host and lead (i more host, he more leads) a community group on tuesday nights for church. we have slowly yet steadily been growing over the year to the lovely group of 7 that we are. our group had frequently and faithfully been praying for our little one, and of course jason as i as we prepared for parenthood. that night at least two people had prayed for her, for her arrival. one of them mentioned my water breaking. 

well, that evening i was experiencing what i will call "early" labor. i was having menstrual cramp-like contractions that would range from every 5 minutes to more like every 10 minutes and anywhere in between. they lasted roughly a minute. i knew it wasn't the real thing because of its lack of regularity and increasing intensity. but it was, however, enough to keep me awake. so, like the night before, i camped out in the living room watching television on the couch. around 1:30 i noticed a wetness, which quickly felt like i had peed in my pants. i thought, have i really totally lost control of my bladder? then i thought, wait. did my water just break? so what does any american in the 21st century do? i start googling. what does it feel like when you break your water. after enough reading i decide that it's happened. at least i am fairly confident. confident enough to finally wake up jason around 2:30am. you don't need the play by play, but here is the short version. i call my doctors office, i try to rest a little, cuddling with jason on the couch, dr. zeldina returns the call and tells me i need to come to the hospital, we get ready, jason makes me a sandwich in case i don't get to eat for a while, i shower, he showers, etc. we arrive at valley around 5am and begin what turns into a very long almost 24 hours. 

again, i won't get into the complete, step-by-step review. the nurse confirms that it is indeed amniotic fluid. they admit me to the hospital and begin my antibiotic IV since i had tested positive for group b strep. when dr. levine begins his shift around 7am he comes to see me and check on my progress. the important number: 2 centimeters dilated. not much. he mentions the options - pitocin to get things going, or wait and see if it happens more naturally. we decide to wait. 

in the meantime, we get offered the room with the hydrotherapy tub since i had mentioned in my birth plan that i would like the opportunity to use it at some point. so we move our belongings and re-settle down the hallway. the biggest room in the labor and delivery wing. we wait. we watch tv. jason gets his guitar so he can play and we can sing. we walk. and walk. and walk. i sit on the big ball. i eat ice chips (in case at any point i have to have a c-section, they don't allow you to eat once you are admitted...which is why jason had made me a sandwich before we left home). the monitor shows that i am having contractions - some that i feel, some that i don't. still not regular or intense enough. 

dr. levine comes in around 4pm to check me. 3 centimeters. that's not a good rate of progress. one centimeter over the course of 9 hours. he mentions that my water leaked prematurely and we could potentially be there for another day or two or more if we wait it out. now, i am not one that can go very long without eating. to go another day or two would not be good. so we decide, against or original hopes and plan, to receive pitocin to get things going. 

i still don't feel much the first few hours. we walk more. i sit and sway on the ball more. we watch more television - mythbusters. they are slowly increasing the rate of pitocin being released in my port. the "pain" (i can hardly call it that based on what i first felt) slowly increases and by 9pm i finally know what real contractions feel like. i wish i could put into words - basically i felt like my insides were being ripped out. i grip jason's hand very tightly during that minute of contracts, which are coming much more frequently now. dr. levine checks me again. 4 centimeters. again, not much progress. he mentions that it could potentially take an hour per centimeter...or more. 6 more centimeters to go. 6 hours. 6 hours of this horrible pain, not having eaten in hours, not having slept that night or the night before really. then to have to push this child out - estimated at this point to be about 9 pounds. again, we change from our original plans. give me the epidural.

the worst part of labor and jason is required to go wait, away from me. the contractions are intense. i am nervous about the injection into my spine. forced to maintain an already uncomfortable position, the epidural is not my favorite thing. i am shaking. i even start to cry a little bit and am thankful for the sweet nurse who encouraged me and held me (more for the sake of me needing to be still, though i am sure she would comfort me regardless). when its finally done i get to lay back and wait for it to kick in. they do work on the computers. i look at the clock and realize how long its been and they still haven't gone to tell jason he can come back. i am about to say something - to ask them to get my husband - when he pokes his head in, asking if he is allowed back. my sweet and caring husband has returned. he admits that it was the worst part for him, being away from me and wondering if i was okay. 

so the epidural kicks in and its time to try to rest. except, it never completely kicks in for my left side. the pain is tolerable and definitely a huge improvement, but not mild enough to allow me to sleep. so i settle for resting. getting mini naps in between contractions. but as time goes, i notice the pain in my left side increasing and the i realize it has returned by my right side as well. i try to stick it out but finally push the call button to ask the nurse about it. maybe she can adjust the epidural drip to take away the pain.

at this point it is 3am on may 9th. jason is sleeping on a "pull out" chair beside me. after i tell the nurse about the pain she says she is going to check me. i didn't expect her reponse: "okay, it is time to push." push?! i knew this time would come but it felt very strange that it was now real. i wake jason and all the preparations begin. i won't get anymore detailed....we will skip ahead. after about an hour (which doesn't feel like an hour, surprisingly it feels like less) dr. levine tells me, "okay, just one more and i can do the rest." sure enough. suddenly i have a baby on my stomach. on, not in.

i don't recall hearing dr. levine or the nurses saying anything after that. not that i heard. i looked down and saw the umbilical cord (and for a moment thought, oh it's a boy). then, "it's a girl!"

jason and i basically had one girl's name and hadn't even really discussed a middle name. so at first, she was just grace. 9 pounds, 2 ounces. 21 inches. born at 4:16. grace formicola. we enjoyed her for a while before sharing our excitement with family and friends. and while with our first visitors, my parents in the early morning beginning of visiting hours, we decided on her full name. grace noelle formicola. our precious daughter.

and now i realize how terrible we have been at taking and having photos taken of us. i don't have any photos of us as a family in the hospital, unless someone else took it and i don't know it. must remember this for next time! 

to whom it may concern...

in my arms is where you are to be

how long will you make me wait?

i don't know how much more i can take

i missed you but i haven't met you

oh but i want to

oh how i do

slowly counting down the days

till i finally know your name

(the civil wars - to whom it may concern)

the past 32 weeks have actually gone by quite quickly. from the day daddy and i found out God had blessed us with you (at 5 weeks) till now (37 weeks pregnant), you have grown from just teeny cells to an approximately 6 (+/-) pound beautiful baby. the ultrasound tech thinks you have long legs (like your pake). i don't know how much you way or how tall you are or exactly what your precious face looks like, but i know there isn't much more room in my belly for you to grow. so i certainly hope that you are almost ready to make your first appearance. 

there are a lot of things that we don't know about you yet. in fact, there isn't much that we do know. but we don't need to know anything about you in order to already be completely in love with you. i'll be honest - you occupy the majority of my thoughts throughout the day. you take up a decent amount of my time already too. i love getting ready for you. 

we may not know a lot about you yet - we don't even know if you are a boy or a girl, or what your name is - but there is one most important thing about you we do know. you are God's child. He has your life in His hands. He knows your name. He knows the day you will be born. He knows how many hairs you have on you head (if you have hair, of course). He knows your present and your future. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (jeremiah 29:11) because of this promise from God, daddy and i don't have to worry, now or ever. we know that God loves you therefore "not a hair will fall from your head, without the will of our Father in Heaven" (Heidelberg Catechism, Q&A 1). 

mommy and daddy are so excited to meet you. we cannot wait to hold you in our arms, and to kiss your sweet face. we cannot wait to hear your first cry (and of course your first laughs, and first everything's). we cannot wait to tell all of our family and friends about you, that you have arrived, and then for them all to meet you. we cannot wait to bring you home. we cannot wait to sing to you and read to you and tell you that we love you. we cannot wait to see who God created you to be, and how He will grow you into His child. 

we cannot wait to meet the little mango that we love so very much. 

to my 'lil mango...

today i want to tell you just a little bit about someone very special to me...your daddy.

the first and most important thing that you should know about him is that he loves Jesus, me (your mommy), and you all VERY much. you might already know this because you already have little ears that can hear. you probably feel his gentle and warm hands on my belly and hear him tell you that he loves you. if you can hear that, then you probably also hear him praying over mommy and praying for you. the most important thing that he wants for you is not that you be the best at sports, or the smartest in your class, or the funniest or most popular. all he (and i) want for you is for you to know that Jesus loves you, and for you to love Jesus. even if you don't hear or understand those words and prayers now, you will. they are his prayer for you every day.

not only does daddy love to pray for you and to thank God for you, but he loves to sing. he has a beautiful voice that is often lifting up praise to God. actually, i will tell you a secret - daddy's voice is my favorite voice...speaking or singing. very early on in our relationship daddy had the wisdom to start praying and singing with me, and it's something we try to do every day together.

i found out about you before daddy did. when he came home from his saturday afternoon of playing paintball with friends, i had a card for him at dinner. i told him how much i loved him and how proud of him i am. i told him that he is a wonderful husband and that in the spring he would become a fabulous father. i will never forget that night. he was shocked and kept asking me if it was true..."really?...really?" his first thoughts were to get me started on pre-natal vitamins so that you can grow strong and healthy. he researched a bit (something else your daddy is very good at) what vitamins we needed to look for and then hopped in the car to head to the vitamin shoppe. my favorite part of that drive was the look on your dad's face as he drove. he had a constant grin and look of contentment and joy that made me smile and my heart happy.

daddy came to the first doctor's appointments and has come to some other key one's as well. the very first time we had an ultrasound done, he let out a sweet sound of excitement when he first saw your heart beating. at your 20 week ultrasound, i could barely get his attention cause his eyes were so fixed on the screen watching as the ultrasound tech looked at each and every part of your body. he was much much better than mommy at knowing what we were looking at - your brain, your heart, your legs, your spine. daddy was pretty disappointed when they made him look away at the screen to see if you are a boy or a girl, because he was sure he would be able to tell. a few weeks before he learned how to tell the difference and wanted to be able to distinguish whether he saw a turtle or a hamburger. he will have to wait!

i can bet that you will love being held in your daddy's arms. he is so strong and warm, yet so gentle and sweet. i love his hugs and his cuddles. the rest of the world disappears, as does every fear and worry. when he holds you, you will know that everything is okay. he will make you feel better when you cry. he will comfort you with his kind words - especially with his love, and of course remind you always of God's love.

if you are like mommy, you will miss him when he isn't home. because he is what makes it feel like home. of course our house is warm and nice and is where i belong. but it's not the same when he isn't there. he will have to work, sometimes more hours than we want. he will have meetings for church. he will go to the gym, or to a friend's or family's house. even though we will miss him, we will know that he does all of these things for us and to serve God. sometimes mommy forgets that for a little while, but deep down i know that he is always being the best man that he can be and doing what God wants him to do. we are so very proud of him for that.

daddy will make you laugh. he will spend time with you. he will take care of you when you are sick or hurt. he will do sweet things for you because he loves you and he cares about you. this morning daddy surprised me with "breakfast in bed." when i opened my eyes, he was walking to my side of the bed holding a basket/tray that had my favorite breakfast in it - a bowl of honey bunches of oats. and of course a glass of water on the side because he knows how dry and thirsty i get, especially when i am sick. and along with the breakfast, he gave me a single pink rose. beautiful and so sweet. he loves your mommy very much.

i could go on and on about him, but you will learn it all on your own over time. just know that your daddy, mommy, and Jesus love you very much.

(i think that in this 20 week ultrasound photo, you are holding your hand up to your mouth to tell us a secret...that you love us too).

a year in review...

this past monday (the 11th) marked jason and my one year wedding anniversary. it's hard to believe. sometimes it feels like much longer, sometimes it feels like just yesterday. it's been a full and busy year. here is a bit of a year in review, just some main things...

february 11 - wedding day!!
february 13 - costa rica honeymoon
march 23 - my 30th birthday (dinner with jay and then surprised with ice skating and cheesecake factory with family)
march 24 - jay completes his first (and only?) half marathon
march 31 - dad (schuurman)'s 60th birthday and ocean city weekend
april 11 - my first day of work at paul keyes associates (first day working after being unemployed and/or in school for 17 months)
may 5 - jay's 33rd birthday
july 27-30 - long weekend vacation with the schuurman family at lake george
september 3 - first annual labor day picnic in the park
september 8 - after taking a test, i share with jay that he is not only a wonderful husband, but will be a fantastic father in the spring :)
september 14/16 - siblings weekend in baltimore
september 19 - dr. levine confirms our pregnancy :)
september 26 - we see our baby and hear it's heartbeat for the first ultrasound
september 27 - jay announces during prayer at the Formicola family dinner that they will be grandparents
september 29 - we ask kate to possibly share her birthday with her new niece/nephew
october 10 - we celebrate mom being cancer free for 5 years!
october 15 - we hear our baby's heart beat for the first time
october 21 - jay officially becomes a deacon of savior community church; jill becomes a member
october 29-november 2 - hurricane irene: branch falls on our car; jill is hit on the parkway by a utility truck
december 13 - 20 week ultrasound!!
december 15/16 - mom (schuurman)'s 60th birthday weekend celebrations
december 21 - jay finds out officially that he is being promoted at kamson corporation to the director of training!
january 3-6 - we celebrate and enjoy a long weekend together at sweetwater farm in glen mills, pennsylvania
january 7 - jay begins his new position at kamson
february 8 - bloodwork comes back that all is well and i do not have gestational diabetes

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!!

that's all i have to say about that.

a bit of a cop-out...

i am well aware that i am overdue for a new blog post. it's coming, i promise. but for today i just want to share a song:

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

all to leave and follow Thee.

destitute, despised, forsaken, 

thou from hence my all shall be.

perish every fond ambition,

all I've sought or hoped or known.

yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despite and leave me,

they have left my Savior too.

hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

o while Thou dost smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love and might,

foes may hate and friends disown me,

show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'twill but drive me to Thy breast.

life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

while Thy love is left to me;

oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me,

were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then, early fame and treasure, 

come disaster, scorn and pain

in Thy service, pain is pleasure,

with Thy favor, loss is gain.

i have called Thee Abba Father,

i have stayed my heart on Thee.

storms may howl, and clouds may gather;

all must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation,

rise o'er sin and fear and care

joy to find in every station,

something still to do or bear.

think what Spirit dwells within thee,

think what Father's smiles are thine,

think what Jesus died to win thee,

child of Heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,

armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heaven's eternal days before thee,

God's own hand shall guide us there.

soon shall close thy earthly mission,

soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,

hope shall change to glad fruition,

faith to sight and prayer to praise.