it is harder than it looks...

it started about a year ago. well, a bit more than a year ago really, but close enough. in august/september of 2010 my boss at the time mentioned that he thought he would be taking his company in a different direction (very different direction, he was thinking he would be closing his business). he brought it up to, more or less, leave the ball in my court and let me decide what i wanted to do with the information. i could stay and work for him part time while either going to school or getting another part time job, or he understood if i wasn't interested in part time and just left altogether. but then mid-september came and he revealed a new plan - he would be closing his company over the next several months and would have to let me go by the end of october.

i would be lying if i said there was not even a bit of disappointment in this news. it left me feeling a bit uncertain of the future. even though i had been experiencing a great deal of frustration and discontent with the job, and was considering finding other work or going back to school, i left feeling a bit vulnerable.

the next few months after my last day (end of october) i spent doing projects, spending time with my nephews and sister, visiting friends in michigan on an extended thanksgiving break, but more importantly in preparation for school. i applied to essex county college in newark with the intention of beginning their associates degree program for physical therapist assistant. i put up with a frustrating (and in my mind incompetent) anatomy and physiology 1 professor while also taking an english 102 class, that felt rather unnecessary for someone with a bachelor of arts degree. but i did it, because it was what i had to do.

once i had a better idea of what my school schedule would be, not only for this fall semester but the long term schedule, i began looking for and applying to jobs. most of them consisted of physical therapy aide positions - i thought it would be a good idea to gain experience in the field in combination with my studies. despite my efforts, weeks and weeks passed and still i was jobless.

the week before school started i felt my anxiety and worries increase. it had nothing to do with my fears of the program itself. i am confident in my ability to handle the academics of the program. but at this point, i was still jobless and becoming more and more aware of the difficulties of working while in the program. i had no option of days/times to take any of the classes. after about a semester, i would have to be either at class or at clinicals 5 days of the week. when would i work? class started on september 6th. by the end of the first day, i was a mix of excitement from learning but overwhelmed at the thought of how i was going to afford it financially. sure there are loans and people willing to lend me money, but how would i afford even my every day bills and expenses of living? so i gave it a week to think about it. i talked with people about it - people who i respect and admire and know have my best interest in their mind. i prayed about it. a week after the first day of class, i had emailed the professor and informed her that i needed to withdrawl from the program for the year.

so here i am - not in school, still unemployed. i have opened up my mind to different types of work. i have looked at and considered the option of either postponing the program for a year (my professor offered to defer it for a year so that i do not have to reapply) or just finding satisfying full time work at a place that i can continue to grow. needless to say, i am still searching.

i know how it must look. i never get the sunday night blues like many around me who have to mentally prepare for the coming of monday morning (at least, not in the same way that they do). i get to flit around with my sister and nephews on various excursions. i read books and practice guitar. i do laundry and clean. i take walks and enjoy the freedom of a flexible schedule (do i dare even call it a "schedule"?)

but, it is harder than it looks. don't get me wrong, i do not mean to sit here and sound like i am complaining. i realize that many of you are spending long and tiresome hours at work each day when you would love to trade places with me at any moment. but it isn't easy for me, not by any means.

i wake up anxious every morning. i pretty much dread having to wake up and think about what i will do that day because i feel as though i need to do something "productive" in order to feel justified in my decisions, in order to feel like a person with purpose, as opposed to what i feel most of the time. i haven't struggled with sleep in a long time, but the past few weeks i have noticed my difficulty in falling asleep. now there seems to also be nightly dreams that are never pleasant or good, not necessarily nightmares per say or bad dreams, but always a reflection of me feeling unsettled and restless and anxious.

i am not complaining. i realize that the past (almost) year has given me a lot of opportunities that i would not otherwise be able to experience. i got to be home all summer just like my sisters when i use to envy them while i was at work. but when it comes down to it, i would trade shoes with most of you. i crave and desire work. i have felt pretty empty without it. i long for routine and habits, that even though they can grow old, provide my days and life with a bit of structure.

i have been patient and i continue to let God unfold His plan for me. i continue to trust in Him and lean on Him for strength.

#27, #2, and part of #28

it was a busy, stressful yet completely enjoyable weekend. by friday night i was thinking through each part of the weekend and planning it out in my head so that i was as best as prepared as possible. the weekend events may seem minimal and like no big deal at all to most people, but it was more all of the little details involved that i needed to have in line.

saturday began for me at 8am when i woke up. i knew that i had to get up and ready, get my things together for the entire day, get gas and money, and be at jay's place by 9:45 at the late st. his church (savior community church in nyack, ny) was participating in the second annual "not your mama's music festival" with other nyack churches. it just so happened that his church was on first thing, pastor frank leading with electric guitar a set of praise with lauren and matt on piano/vocals and drums. despite jay and i's ability to kill any buffer time (extra time before we need to be somewhere) and be fashionably "late" to most things, we got to the park pretty much just after 10. no big deal, savior CC didn't go on until 11ish anyway. the setting was gorgeous - the band set up in a gazebo at a park with a great wide green lawn with a playground in the back, right along the hudson river in nyack. the tapanzee bridge was in view just a bit south of us. the sun was shining (most of the time). just a wonderful morning and afternoon of music to glorify God through all different denominations, but united in faith in one God. jay cut out for a hair cut for a chunk of the afternoon, but i stuck around playing with kids and in fellowship with others. he returned with some goodies from the italian festival - philly cheesesteak, sausage and peppers, zeppoles. but soon after we had to head out for our next event.

this brings us to number 27 on my list of '30 by 30'. i must confess that when i put this item on the list, it was something i already knew i would be doing. but hopefully i can be excused of this, and not seem like i am cheating, because it is something that i had thought about putting on there and wanted to do anyway. i had been debating about putting some sort of concert on the list, but thought the usual concerts i attend were too typical. it has been years (probably about 10 years) since i attended a symphony orchestra concert.

i grew up with an appreciation for classical music - it is often playing from my mom's car, from our house stereo system, at mama's, but even my aunt jan and uncle steve have contributed to my appreciation for good music. although i wanted to quit playing the violin for some years growing up, my switch to the bass violin gave me continued experience in performing some good classical music. so it is no surprise that gustav holst's 'the planets' would be something i am familiar with. as it turns out, one of jay's favorite musical pieces of all time is jupiter: the bringer of jollity from holst's planets. some time back he made a "bucket list" (a very short one) that included his desire to see the planets performed live. a combination of my love and appreciation for the music, and his desire to experience it live, led to our buying tickets for the albany symphony orchestra.

as it turns out, albany is only a 2 hour drive from us. we left jay's house by 4 and easily arrived at our destination by 6 with time to get some dinner before. right across the street was an irish pub, mc geary's, where we had dinner and played some pinball before heading to the palace theater. my photos do not capture it at all. the outside of it looked like any old theater with some flashing lights and big sign. jay even commented that it reminded him more of a cascino. but as soon as we entered, we walked into a lobby that was quite impressive. gold trim surrounded the place, lots of mural paintings, impressive lighting. it felt like the perfect venue for a symphony orchestra. through the lobby we entered the theater to see most of the orchestra members on stage practicing and getting ready for the concert. for a while we just stood in the back taking it all in but then headed to our seats - row F of the orchestra section, pretty much directly in the center with enough rows ahead of us to put us at a height of inclination that we could see many of the musicians. it is worth paying a little more for these seats, in my opinion, as i like to observe and take it all in as i listen to classical music. my eye frequently falls upon the bass violin section (as i used to play this role in the orchestra), but also to the celloists and percussion - especially the timpany. i am always impressed with the violins of course too and what i could see of the back brass sections.

as we sat down all of the emotions of such an environment flooded over me. i tried to explain to jay how being at places like this for events such as these make me feel very special. i couldn't think of a better word, other than privileged. over the years, my parents have exposed me to different cultural opportunities that i may or may not have appreciated at the time, but now treasure and value and hope to eventually share with my kids someday. i realize that not everyone gets to do the things i have, or not everyone chooses to, but i am grateful for the experiences.

the first two pieces were very enjoyable - the second one featuring an incredible cello sololist that had everything completely memorized. but my excitement and the anticipation lied with the planets. as soon as the lights dimmed again after the intermission, i could feel the goosebumps rising. mars: the bringer of war is the perfect dramatic introduction to the 7 movement piece. i had forgotten how much i loved that piece as well. then venus: the bringer of peace and mercury: the winged messenger. as mercury ended, i knew what was next. jupiter. as a smile fell upon my face, i looked over at jay, who shared my same smile. i love music, but i love live music even more (usually anyway). i love watching it being performed, watching each instrumentalist, watching the maestro conduct, watching the audience observe. i love how i feel inside as i listen. jupiter is a fantastic piece with so many good parts, but i was struck at how much i loved my favorite section. it amazes me the way music can capture emotion and make the listener feel. as i watched the string instruments in unison with their long bow strokes, i could actually feel my eyes well up a bit with tears. in those moments, although there is nothing specifically "religious" about it, my mind came to ponder the awesomeness of God. i thought about His creation and the enormity of the universe - the stars, the galaxies, the planets. i thought about His love a

nd grace and the way He works in my life. this past week i had been reflecting on love (as i mentioned in the previous blog), and in particular the verse from 1 john 4:19, "we love because He first loved us." in those moments as my ears were filled with beautiful sounds, my heart was also full of the beauty of God. it is hard to express in words, but it was overwhelmingly good. upon the silent of the last note of the piece, i noticed the woman next to me in the corner of my eye. i could tell she wanted to clap and was also struck by the performance. then, without trying to seem to obvious, i looked again over to jay to see his reaction. i didn't want to impose too much pressure on his "bucket list" item. but as i looked over at him, again with a smile that i could not nor did i want to contain, his face broke out into the same smile too. whether or not the albany symphony orchestra presented the best performance of jupiter or not, it was absolutely breathtaking.

it seems almost wrong to jump from that to the next accomplishment of my '30 by 30' list, but it must be done. i got to bed around 1am on saturday night after our drive back home from albany. my alarm was set to wake me up at 6am so that i could get up to put the pork shoulder in the crockpot for its 6 hours of cooking. up until this point, i hadn't really allowed myself to think much about this task i had taken on. i hadn't completely acknowledged how inexperienced i was - this being my first time i was going to make bbq pulled pork, but also my first time handling animal meat in such a way. the 8.5 pound pork shoulder just fit into the crockpot while i added some a&w root beer for it to cook in. i went back to bed for a couple of hours before slowly waking up to what i assumed was the smell of cooking meat. i got up to look at it, and proceeded to look at it probably almost every 15 minutes afterwards until i went to church. i don't know what i was expecting to see - obviously not much would change in that time.

after church, i headed right home to begin the next step - the pulling of the pork. i grabbed the shoulder by the bone and began to cut off chunks of the meat in order to pull it a little at a time. it wasn't as easy as i expected, but with some hard work i got the meat to separate a bit. nausea kicked in a little bit - i think it was a combination of smelling the meat, working so brutally with it, being somewhat tired still and my appetite increasing. for a little while, i wasn't sure that i would even be able to eat and enjoy my work. eventually i came to a piece that pulled as perfectly as i expected the whole thing to. liesl arrived with her share of the pulled pork (we both cooked them separately), and we combined our crockpots into one, somewhat surprised at the little amount of meat we got for each of our 8-9 pounders. baby ray's bbq sauce was added and it all started to look a bit more appealing.

with #2 at completion, the rest of our lunch items came together for our first family sunday dinner hosted/coordinated by me, as per #28 on the list. bbq pulled pork, two types of cole slaws provided by kate, sweet potato fries as i requested of mama, and a delicious apple crumb from aunt jan for dessert. it all tasted good, but more importantly, it was another opportunity for us to spend time together as a family.

we love.

i find it difficult to claim one particular bible verse as a "favorite." there are a bunch that come to mind. of course, it varies a bit from time to time, or based on what my mood or situation is in that moment. so i don't have one particular favorite, per say, but i do like 1 john 4:19. 7 words, that all it is. 7 words that say so much more. "we love because He first loved us." there are so many directions to go with it, and so much within each direction.

relationships are a big part of my life (okay, i know, that sounds pretty simple and obvious - relationships are a big part of everyone's life). Christianity is about being in relationships - with God, most importantly of course, but with others as well. community is a popular word in the context of the church. i am called to be in community and in relationship with those around me - friends, family, even strangers. i am called to love. okay, sure this is pretty easily done. or is it?

i am struck lately by how easy it is to damage relationships. more than that, i am becoming more and more aware of how often my sins, my faults, my failures, my weaknesses, get in the way of building and developing relationships. for me it is pretty easy to love someone. let me rephrase that. it is pretty easy for me to have feelings of love for someone. it is extremely difficult for me to express and demonstrate selfless love for others. sin always creeps in and corrupts what is meant for good.

i know this all sounds simplistic and obvious. but, i am still learning. i am still learning, first of all, what my faults are and how they get in the way of relationships. second, i am still learning how to grow beyond those faults and prevent them from being harmful.

but we have this perfect example of God's love for us through the gift of Jesus Christ. Jesus loved perfectly. i need to die to my self, so that Christ's love can live through me. there is no love apart from God. "we love because He first loved us."

a book in a day.

i am not a huge reader by any means, at least not in comparison to my sisters. but i do enjoy reading. i am the type that either gets so sucked into a book that i can't put it down, or i won't read it at all. the other day i noticed a book on my parents coffee table - it was opened up to about the middle of the book with the pages down - so i picked it up to see what book it was to determine who i thought was reading it. 'just do something' by kevin de young. it could have been either of my parents really, but seeing as it was found on the coffee table and not by the "throne" (as jay has recently labeled the chair my dad sits in), i could safely assume it was being read by my mom. so i picked it up to analyze the cover a bit more, since i as i have confessed in the past, i do judge books by their covers. the cover offered more explanation: a liberating approach to finding God's will. that alone got my attention. i have thought a lot in the past few years about God's will and have had many conversations with various people about God's will in general, but God's will for my life more specifically. plus i have already read a kevin de young book in the past and appreciate his writing style but also the content that he offers. with the exception of the few pages i read that day, i read the entire thing today. what says recommendation more than that?

so i could try to sum up all the great things he has to say, but it would be a failed attempted. i could just say, hey go read the book, but you might not. so for your benefit, and mine since i want to look back at things from it, i will leave you with some of his words...

(possibly my favorite part) "the question God cares about most is not 'where should i live?' but 'do i love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, and do i love my neighbor as myself?'"

(in reference to him praying about whether to stay at his church or take another call) "i prayed a lot about the decision. but i didn't ask God to tell me what to do. so what did i pray for? i prayed that God would make me honest in my interviews. i prayed that i would see a true picture of this church and that they would see a true picture of me. i prayed mostly that my heart would be right, that i wouldn't be motivated by pride - either to stay because it was a big church or to move because i could be the senior pastor. i prayed that i wouldn't make a decision based on fear: 'what if i fail as a senior pastor?' 'what if everyone in iowa gets mad at me for going?' or pleasing people: 'i don't want t let down the search committee that's been working at this for so long.' (and here comes the best part...) i prayed that i would make a decision based on faith, hope, and love - and not the praise of man and greed and selfish ambition. in other words, i prayed that i would be following God's will of desire rather than praying to figure out His will of direction."

"first, God's will is that we live holy, set-apart lives...second, we are to always rejoice, pray, and give thanks...third, we are to know God's will so we can bear fruit and know Him better...fourth, the will of God is to be filled with the Holy Spirit...simply put, God's will is your growth in Christlikness."

genesis 21-25

they are familiar stories to most of us. abraham and sarah finally have a son together (despite both of their old age), whom they name isaac. but before we know it, God instructs abraham to take his son and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. we all know how it goes - abraham, with incredible faith and obedience to God, follows his command and takes his son up the mountain to be sacrificed. at the last minute, with isaac tied up and bound to the altar, God stops abraham from harming his son and instead provides a ram to be sacrificed. it is a very familiar story that much could be said about.

while i read it this morning i began to think about isaac. not necessarily isaac as a person, but what isaac represents. abraham and sarah greatly desired to have children (a child) together. it started to seem impossible as they grew older. in fact, when sarah heard that she would have a child, she laughed because it seemed that ridiculous and that impossible. yet God had made a covenant with abraham that his descendants would be as many as the stars in the sky. God, of course, follows through on his promise with the surprising birth of isaac. isaac is greatly treasured and adored - their only son after much waiting.

God tests abraham. when asked to give up something that he values most, abraham obeys without hesitation. what is his reward? not only does he get to keep isaac, but God will bless him beyond imagination. abraham put God first, despite his love for isaac.

what (or who) is my "isaac"? would i be as faithful and obedient as abraham if God asked me to give it up, or if he simply took it away? sometimes i have a tendency to hold on to things or people too tightly, and can be tempted to place their value above God in my life. but if i obey God and keep Him as the number one in my life, i will find that not only may i be able to keep that thing which i value, but also be blessed even beyond what i imagine.

#19, in progress: genesis 1-5

after deciding on the 19th item of my '30 by 30' list (read through the old testament), i marked september 1st as the day i would start. why couldn't i just start immediately? i don't know, i am weird like that. so tuesday i sat down at my computer and scheduled out my reading assigments on google calendar for the next 7 months. 5 chapters a day as the goal brings me to march 4th. i have 18 days as a buffer before i turn 30 on the 23rd. i know there may be a day here or there in which i don't get to the reading (to be completely honest). but more then that, i want to give myself the opportunity to take longer if i so desire to read and reflect deeper on certain passages.

today is the day, genesis 1-5. such familiar passages to most of us (even non-believers who have heard anything of creation, adam and eve, and the beginnings of noah). a few weeks ago i was admiring my sister's project with my nephews - making a visual of creation. she had each day sectioned out as a square and images painted of what happened on that "day". as i looked at it i became more and more ashamed of how much i forgot in regard to creation. i couldn't say what happened on which day. how many times did i learn that in elementary school and sunday school only to forget it now?

like i said, i don't want to rush through any of the readings. otherwise it will just go in one ear and out the other, as the expression goes. as i read these first few chapters of the bible i was struck by a number of details. i realize how vague a lot of the details are, how much is left to the imagination. i think this has been the root of a lot of questions and divisions among people in considering exactly how the creation story played out. i would be lying if i said i weren't a bit curious myself.

by the second verse of the second chapter i already have a question. it says "now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." what waters? on the first day God creates light and dark, but note that the sun, moon and stars are not created until day four. what produced the light on the first day? i know, anything is possible. we are talking about an indescribable God here. this reminds me of the video series by louie giglio. in either 'how great is our God' or 'indescribable', giglio points out that while we think we would want to have been there to witness it, we would not want to be there when light poured out of God's mouth at (insert large number here) light years per second. my questions could go on and on. who is cain married to, when his wife is referenced in chapter 4? i assume it had to be a sister, though not mentioned specifically as adam and eve's child, since there were no other humans. the questions could go on and on, but i won't dwell on them. they don't need answers in order for me to have faith, or for my faith to grow.

i am struck by one thing that carries into my every day and can be applied to my life (not limited to one thing, of course, but one thing at this moment). time. our concept of time is so limited. notice the years lived by adam and his decendents - 930, 912, 905, 910, etc. notice when many of them had their first child - 130, 105, 90, 70, etc. creation in 7 days (6 since the last day was rest). 130 years for adam to have a child. my view of time is so limited and so skewed.

lately i have been struggling with time in my life. to be perfectly honest, i didn't think i would be where i am now when i was 18 years old. even at 22 when i graduated college, i didn't imagine my life as it is now. i can get frustrated with feeling like i am almost 30 and haven't even really started my life yet (by societal standards). if it were up to me, i would have landed a comfortable and enjoyable joy by now. i would probably be married and have a child or two, even a dog. i wouldn't be living with my parents and be going back to school with very unstable finances. it isn't what i projected for myself. it might not always be what i want even now.

but it is part of God's plan, with His timing. what society tells me i should be doing doesn't matter. where i feel like i should be by now doesn't even matter. He has me in His hands and is bringing me to where He wants me to be. He is using each and every person and experience to shape me. my life hasn't not started (sorry for the double negative). my life has been going for almost 30 years and this is just a small part of it. but it is here and it is now, and i embrace it. it may not always be what i expected or think is best for me, but it is exactly what God wants for me and knows is best for me.