it is harder than it looks...

it started about a year ago. well, a bit more than a year ago really, but close enough. in august/september of 2010 my boss at the time mentioned that he thought he would be taking his company in a different direction (very different direction, he was thinking he would be closing his business). he brought it up to, more or less, leave the ball in my court and let me decide what i wanted to do with the information. i could stay and work for him part time while either going to school or getting another part time job, or he understood if i wasn't interested in part time and just left altogether. but then mid-september came and he revealed a new plan - he would be closing his company over the next several months and would have to let me go by the end of october.

i would be lying if i said there was not even a bit of disappointment in this news. it left me feeling a bit uncertain of the future. even though i had been experiencing a great deal of frustration and discontent with the job, and was considering finding other work or going back to school, i left feeling a bit vulnerable.

the next few months after my last day (end of october) i spent doing projects, spending time with my nephews and sister, visiting friends in michigan on an extended thanksgiving break, but more importantly in preparation for school. i applied to essex county college in newark with the intention of beginning their associates degree program for physical therapist assistant. i put up with a frustrating (and in my mind incompetent) anatomy and physiology 1 professor while also taking an english 102 class, that felt rather unnecessary for someone with a bachelor of arts degree. but i did it, because it was what i had to do.

once i had a better idea of what my school schedule would be, not only for this fall semester but the long term schedule, i began looking for and applying to jobs. most of them consisted of physical therapy aide positions - i thought it would be a good idea to gain experience in the field in combination with my studies. despite my efforts, weeks and weeks passed and still i was jobless.

the week before school started i felt my anxiety and worries increase. it had nothing to do with my fears of the program itself. i am confident in my ability to handle the academics of the program. but at this point, i was still jobless and becoming more and more aware of the difficulties of working while in the program. i had no option of days/times to take any of the classes. after about a semester, i would have to be either at class or at clinicals 5 days of the week. when would i work? class started on september 6th. by the end of the first day, i was a mix of excitement from learning but overwhelmed at the thought of how i was going to afford it financially. sure there are loans and people willing to lend me money, but how would i afford even my every day bills and expenses of living? so i gave it a week to think about it. i talked with people about it - people who i respect and admire and know have my best interest in their mind. i prayed about it. a week after the first day of class, i had emailed the professor and informed her that i needed to withdrawl from the program for the year.

so here i am - not in school, still unemployed. i have opened up my mind to different types of work. i have looked at and considered the option of either postponing the program for a year (my professor offered to defer it for a year so that i do not have to reapply) or just finding satisfying full time work at a place that i can continue to grow. needless to say, i am still searching.

i know how it must look. i never get the sunday night blues like many around me who have to mentally prepare for the coming of monday morning (at least, not in the same way that they do). i get to flit around with my sister and nephews on various excursions. i read books and practice guitar. i do laundry and clean. i take walks and enjoy the freedom of a flexible schedule (do i dare even call it a "schedule"?)

but, it is harder than it looks. don't get me wrong, i do not mean to sit here and sound like i am complaining. i realize that many of you are spending long and tiresome hours at work each day when you would love to trade places with me at any moment. but it isn't easy for me, not by any means.

i wake up anxious every morning. i pretty much dread having to wake up and think about what i will do that day because i feel as though i need to do something "productive" in order to feel justified in my decisions, in order to feel like a person with purpose, as opposed to what i feel most of the time. i haven't struggled with sleep in a long time, but the past few weeks i have noticed my difficulty in falling asleep. now there seems to also be nightly dreams that are never pleasant or good, not necessarily nightmares per say or bad dreams, but always a reflection of me feeling unsettled and restless and anxious.

i am not complaining. i realize that the past (almost) year has given me a lot of opportunities that i would not otherwise be able to experience. i got to be home all summer just like my sisters when i use to envy them while i was at work. but when it comes down to it, i would trade shoes with most of you. i crave and desire work. i have felt pretty empty without it. i long for routine and habits, that even though they can grow old, provide my days and life with a bit of structure.

i have been patient and i continue to let God unfold His plan for me. i continue to trust in Him and lean on Him for strength.