a '30 by 30' update...

my oldest sister recently emailed me a very simple email. she demands a '30 by 30' update. now i have to confess that as a result of my engagement and wedding planning and being distracted by other things, i was ready to throw the list out. some of the items just don't really apply or just may not be practical. but, the genius that i am (ahem, don't take me seriously), realized that i could revise the list and make it more applicable to my current situation. for example, number 14 on the list previously stated "move into downstairs bedroom". well, unless jay plans on moving in with the folks and i, then this really is not a necessary item. number 13 really doesn't seem like something i want to do right now either (get a haircut, not just a trim) seeing as i want my hair long for the wedding. so i am working on revising it. but in the meantime, let me share with you the progress/revisions that i have made thus far.

1. visit a new country (the original list said to visit a new state, but as a result of the wedding i am thinking bigger and realized that the honeymoon location possibility is likely to get me to a new country)

2. make bbq pulled pork (check, did that on september 18th for september family dinner)

3. learn to play the guitar (this is currently "in progress", but doesn't get much attention - maybe i will allow myself to use my 30th year to do this)

4. go see the mets play at citi field (may also have to be extended for a warmer experience)

5. read the chronicles of narnia (in progress, has been on hold, but will take up again now since they are easy reads)

6. train to run a 5k (will take that up when it warms up a bit - if my husband-to-be can run a half marathon i march, i think i can run 3.5 miles in april/may)

7. bake an apple crisp with self-picked orchard apples (completed with jay's aunt leena on october 14th)

8. picnic in a park, picnic basket and all

9. go to the top of the rocks, top of the empire state building, or top of the statue of liberty

10. make a snowman (let's cross our fingers for some winter snow, otherwise i don't know how i will ever achieve this)

11. take up kickboxing (still debating whether this is reasonable)

12. weekend trip to boston with my sisters (this will wait till the spring)

13. get a hair cut - not just a trim (i just realized that since my wedding is february 11 and my birthday is march 23rd, i could still technically do this...we shall see)

14. move in with jay and make a home that is ours

15. write each of my nieces/nephews a letter for their baby book

16. go to a comedy club - preferably brian regan or kevin james (well, i intended to do this on a date that is now past, but i couldn't justify spending the money at the time. do any of you mind if i ditch out of my wedding reception on the 11th to see brian regan in AC? i will work on revising this one)

17. learn to make mom's lasagna (completed on october 22nd)

18. ice skate on wollman's rink in central park

19. read through the old testament (i need to revise my reading schedule to fit this in before i'm 30 - i confess that i get off schedule)

20. volunteer time/abilities to a cause or organization (yet to be determined)

21. invite someone to church with me - someone who doesn't normally go

22. write a letter once a month and send one package to my world vision child, yonatan (intend to send a december package)

23. go on a camping/kayaking weekend (i think i can pull this one off, with an extension)

24. get a real philly cheesesteak and spend a day in philadelphia (completed on november 18 - i chaperoned eastern christian middle school's 8th grade class trip and enjoyed a philly cheesesteak)

25. meet up somewhere with friends (val and emo) for 30th birthday celebrations

26. play an entire game of monopoly (completed with jay, frank and erica on august 25th)

27. attend a symphony orchestra concert (went to albany with jay to hear holst's 'the planets' on september 17th)

28. host/coordinate sunday family dinner with my family once a month (currently in progress, having completed september, october and november but taking the month of december off for the holiday)

29. participate and sell things at "spring clean up" family garage sale (i will have to discuss this with the family first i suppose)

30. make dinner once a week for the family (needs revision - i hope i make dinner for jay and i at least once a week, especially after february 11th!)

my prayer for you...

"for this reason i kneel before the Father,

from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.

i pray that out of His glorious riches

He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

and i pray that you,

being rooted and established in love,

may have power,

together with all the Lord's holy people,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -

that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations,

for ever and ever!

amen."

ephesians 3:14-21

apples are my new favorite fruit

i have always like apples. even back in elementary school when i went through my phase of not eating the fruit my mom packed me for lunch (this may have gone into middle school even), i always ate my apples. there was a good chance you would find a banana, oranges (sliced or whole), peaches and even grapes in my backpack, but you would never find an apple.

of course i don't like all apples. red delicious apples have nothing positive to offer. unless my opinion of them have become biased based on the apples the college dining hall often provided - so red and whiny, but waxy and mealy tasting on the inside. not worth my time. but offer me a macintosh, golden delicious, granny smith, gala, rome or jonagold and i will eat it.

i have always liked apple picking. the beautiful fall foliage, the crisper temperatures, the apple picking pole, apple cider donuts. what's not to love? add to that the man i love (on his knees), an engagement ring, and a sweet proposal and now i absolutely love apples and apple picking.

not only do i love apples and apple picking, but i love apple cider. this past sunday jay and i were invited to an annual cider day up on middletown, ny to the home and property of his friend jesse's aunt and uncle. for over thirty years family and friends have been getting together on the sunday of columbus day weekend to pick their apples (this year they were mostly picked off of the ground) and turn them into apple cider. it was a beautiful day with delicious food before we headed down to the apple trees. the kids rode down in the old truck, collected apples in buckets, and filled up the back of the bed with apples ready to be pressed. then children (and adults such as jay) took turns turning the contraption which would mash up the apples. another crank pressed the apples down, squeezing out the juice for the cider.

it is harder than it looks...

it started about a year ago. well, a bit more than a year ago really, but close enough. in august/september of 2010 my boss at the time mentioned that he thought he would be taking his company in a different direction (very different direction, he was thinking he would be closing his business). he brought it up to, more or less, leave the ball in my court and let me decide what i wanted to do with the information. i could stay and work for him part time while either going to school or getting another part time job, or he understood if i wasn't interested in part time and just left altogether. but then mid-september came and he revealed a new plan - he would be closing his company over the next several months and would have to let me go by the end of october.

i would be lying if i said there was not even a bit of disappointment in this news. it left me feeling a bit uncertain of the future. even though i had been experiencing a great deal of frustration and discontent with the job, and was considering finding other work or going back to school, i left feeling a bit vulnerable.

the next few months after my last day (end of october) i spent doing projects, spending time with my nephews and sister, visiting friends in michigan on an extended thanksgiving break, but more importantly in preparation for school. i applied to essex county college in newark with the intention of beginning their associates degree program for physical therapist assistant. i put up with a frustrating (and in my mind incompetent) anatomy and physiology 1 professor while also taking an english 102 class, that felt rather unnecessary for someone with a bachelor of arts degree. but i did it, because it was what i had to do.

once i had a better idea of what my school schedule would be, not only for this fall semester but the long term schedule, i began looking for and applying to jobs. most of them consisted of physical therapy aide positions - i thought it would be a good idea to gain experience in the field in combination with my studies. despite my efforts, weeks and weeks passed and still i was jobless.

the week before school started i felt my anxiety and worries increase. it had nothing to do with my fears of the program itself. i am confident in my ability to handle the academics of the program. but at this point, i was still jobless and becoming more and more aware of the difficulties of working while in the program. i had no option of days/times to take any of the classes. after about a semester, i would have to be either at class or at clinicals 5 days of the week. when would i work? class started on september 6th. by the end of the first day, i was a mix of excitement from learning but overwhelmed at the thought of how i was going to afford it financially. sure there are loans and people willing to lend me money, but how would i afford even my every day bills and expenses of living? so i gave it a week to think about it. i talked with people about it - people who i respect and admire and know have my best interest in their mind. i prayed about it. a week after the first day of class, i had emailed the professor and informed her that i needed to withdrawl from the program for the year.

so here i am - not in school, still unemployed. i have opened up my mind to different types of work. i have looked at and considered the option of either postponing the program for a year (my professor offered to defer it for a year so that i do not have to reapply) or just finding satisfying full time work at a place that i can continue to grow. needless to say, i am still searching.

i know how it must look. i never get the sunday night blues like many around me who have to mentally prepare for the coming of monday morning (at least, not in the same way that they do). i get to flit around with my sister and nephews on various excursions. i read books and practice guitar. i do laundry and clean. i take walks and enjoy the freedom of a flexible schedule (do i dare even call it a "schedule"?)

but, it is harder than it looks. don't get me wrong, i do not mean to sit here and sound like i am complaining. i realize that many of you are spending long and tiresome hours at work each day when you would love to trade places with me at any moment. but it isn't easy for me, not by any means.

i wake up anxious every morning. i pretty much dread having to wake up and think about what i will do that day because i feel as though i need to do something "productive" in order to feel justified in my decisions, in order to feel like a person with purpose, as opposed to what i feel most of the time. i haven't struggled with sleep in a long time, but the past few weeks i have noticed my difficulty in falling asleep. now there seems to also be nightly dreams that are never pleasant or good, not necessarily nightmares per say or bad dreams, but always a reflection of me feeling unsettled and restless and anxious.

i am not complaining. i realize that the past (almost) year has given me a lot of opportunities that i would not otherwise be able to experience. i got to be home all summer just like my sisters when i use to envy them while i was at work. but when it comes down to it, i would trade shoes with most of you. i crave and desire work. i have felt pretty empty without it. i long for routine and habits, that even though they can grow old, provide my days and life with a bit of structure.

i have been patient and i continue to let God unfold His plan for me. i continue to trust in Him and lean on Him for strength.

#27, #2, and part of #28

it was a busy, stressful yet completely enjoyable weekend. by friday night i was thinking through each part of the weekend and planning it out in my head so that i was as best as prepared as possible. the weekend events may seem minimal and like no big deal at all to most people, but it was more all of the little details involved that i needed to have in line.

saturday began for me at 8am when i woke up. i knew that i had to get up and ready, get my things together for the entire day, get gas and money, and be at jay's place by 9:45 at the late st. his church (savior community church in nyack, ny) was participating in the second annual "not your mama's music festival" with other nyack churches. it just so happened that his church was on first thing, pastor frank leading with electric guitar a set of praise with lauren and matt on piano/vocals and drums. despite jay and i's ability to kill any buffer time (extra time before we need to be somewhere) and be fashionably "late" to most things, we got to the park pretty much just after 10. no big deal, savior CC didn't go on until 11ish anyway. the setting was gorgeous - the band set up in a gazebo at a park with a great wide green lawn with a playground in the back, right along the hudson river in nyack. the tapanzee bridge was in view just a bit south of us. the sun was shining (most of the time). just a wonderful morning and afternoon of music to glorify God through all different denominations, but united in faith in one God. jay cut out for a hair cut for a chunk of the afternoon, but i stuck around playing with kids and in fellowship with others. he returned with some goodies from the italian festival - philly cheesesteak, sausage and peppers, zeppoles. but soon after we had to head out for our next event.

this brings us to number 27 on my list of '30 by 30'. i must confess that when i put this item on the list, it was something i already knew i would be doing. but hopefully i can be excused of this, and not seem like i am cheating, because it is something that i had thought about putting on there and wanted to do anyway. i had been debating about putting some sort of concert on the list, but thought the usual concerts i attend were too typical. it has been years (probably about 10 years) since i attended a symphony orchestra concert.

i grew up with an appreciation for classical music - it is often playing from my mom's car, from our house stereo system, at mama's, but even my aunt jan and uncle steve have contributed to my appreciation for good music. although i wanted to quit playing the violin for some years growing up, my switch to the bass violin gave me continued experience in performing some good classical music. so it is no surprise that gustav holst's 'the planets' would be something i am familiar with. as it turns out, one of jay's favorite musical pieces of all time is jupiter: the bringer of jollity from holst's planets. some time back he made a "bucket list" (a very short one) that included his desire to see the planets performed live. a combination of my love and appreciation for the music, and his desire to experience it live, led to our buying tickets for the albany symphony orchestra.

as it turns out, albany is only a 2 hour drive from us. we left jay's house by 4 and easily arrived at our destination by 6 with time to get some dinner before. right across the street was an irish pub, mc geary's, where we had dinner and played some pinball before heading to the palace theater. my photos do not capture it at all. the outside of it looked like any old theater with some flashing lights and big sign. jay even commented that it reminded him more of a cascino. but as soon as we entered, we walked into a lobby that was quite impressive. gold trim surrounded the place, lots of mural paintings, impressive lighting. it felt like the perfect venue for a symphony orchestra. through the lobby we entered the theater to see most of the orchestra members on stage practicing and getting ready for the concert. for a while we just stood in the back taking it all in but then headed to our seats - row F of the orchestra section, pretty much directly in the center with enough rows ahead of us to put us at a height of inclination that we could see many of the musicians. it is worth paying a little more for these seats, in my opinion, as i like to observe and take it all in as i listen to classical music. my eye frequently falls upon the bass violin section (as i used to play this role in the orchestra), but also to the celloists and percussion - especially the timpany. i am always impressed with the violins of course too and what i could see of the back brass sections.

as we sat down all of the emotions of such an environment flooded over me. i tried to explain to jay how being at places like this for events such as these make me feel very special. i couldn't think of a better word, other than privileged. over the years, my parents have exposed me to different cultural opportunities that i may or may not have appreciated at the time, but now treasure and value and hope to eventually share with my kids someday. i realize that not everyone gets to do the things i have, or not everyone chooses to, but i am grateful for the experiences.

the first two pieces were very enjoyable - the second one featuring an incredible cello sololist that had everything completely memorized. but my excitement and the anticipation lied with the planets. as soon as the lights dimmed again after the intermission, i could feel the goosebumps rising. mars: the bringer of war is the perfect dramatic introduction to the 7 movement piece. i had forgotten how much i loved that piece as well. then venus: the bringer of peace and mercury: the winged messenger. as mercury ended, i knew what was next. jupiter. as a smile fell upon my face, i looked over at jay, who shared my same smile. i love music, but i love live music even more (usually anyway). i love watching it being performed, watching each instrumentalist, watching the maestro conduct, watching the audience observe. i love how i feel inside as i listen. jupiter is a fantastic piece with so many good parts, but i was struck at how much i loved my favorite section. it amazes me the way music can capture emotion and make the listener feel. as i watched the string instruments in unison with their long bow strokes, i could actually feel my eyes well up a bit with tears. in those moments, although there is nothing specifically "religious" about it, my mind came to ponder the awesomeness of God. i thought about His creation and the enormity of the universe - the stars, the galaxies, the planets. i thought about His love a

nd grace and the way He works in my life. this past week i had been reflecting on love (as i mentioned in the previous blog), and in particular the verse from 1 john 4:19, "we love because He first loved us." in those moments as my ears were filled with beautiful sounds, my heart was also full of the beauty of God. it is hard to express in words, but it was overwhelmingly good. upon the silent of the last note of the piece, i noticed the woman next to me in the corner of my eye. i could tell she wanted to clap and was also struck by the performance. then, without trying to seem to obvious, i looked again over to jay to see his reaction. i didn't want to impose too much pressure on his "bucket list" item. but as i looked over at him, again with a smile that i could not nor did i want to contain, his face broke out into the same smile too. whether or not the albany symphony orchestra presented the best performance of jupiter or not, it was absolutely breathtaking.

it seems almost wrong to jump from that to the next accomplishment of my '30 by 30' list, but it must be done. i got to bed around 1am on saturday night after our drive back home from albany. my alarm was set to wake me up at 6am so that i could get up to put the pork shoulder in the crockpot for its 6 hours of cooking. up until this point, i hadn't really allowed myself to think much about this task i had taken on. i hadn't completely acknowledged how inexperienced i was - this being my first time i was going to make bbq pulled pork, but also my first time handling animal meat in such a way. the 8.5 pound pork shoulder just fit into the crockpot while i added some a&w root beer for it to cook in. i went back to bed for a couple of hours before slowly waking up to what i assumed was the smell of cooking meat. i got up to look at it, and proceeded to look at it probably almost every 15 minutes afterwards until i went to church. i don't know what i was expecting to see - obviously not much would change in that time.

after church, i headed right home to begin the next step - the pulling of the pork. i grabbed the shoulder by the bone and began to cut off chunks of the meat in order to pull it a little at a time. it wasn't as easy as i expected, but with some hard work i got the meat to separate a bit. nausea kicked in a little bit - i think it was a combination of smelling the meat, working so brutally with it, being somewhat tired still and my appetite increasing. for a little while, i wasn't sure that i would even be able to eat and enjoy my work. eventually i came to a piece that pulled as perfectly as i expected the whole thing to. liesl arrived with her share of the pulled pork (we both cooked them separately), and we combined our crockpots into one, somewhat surprised at the little amount of meat we got for each of our 8-9 pounders. baby ray's bbq sauce was added and it all started to look a bit more appealing.

with #2 at completion, the rest of our lunch items came together for our first family sunday dinner hosted/coordinated by me, as per #28 on the list. bbq pulled pork, two types of cole slaws provided by kate, sweet potato fries as i requested of mama, and a delicious apple crumb from aunt jan for dessert. it all tasted good, but more importantly, it was another opportunity for us to spend time together as a family.

we love.

i find it difficult to claim one particular bible verse as a "favorite." there are a bunch that come to mind. of course, it varies a bit from time to time, or based on what my mood or situation is in that moment. so i don't have one particular favorite, per say, but i do like 1 john 4:19. 7 words, that all it is. 7 words that say so much more. "we love because He first loved us." there are so many directions to go with it, and so much within each direction.

relationships are a big part of my life (okay, i know, that sounds pretty simple and obvious - relationships are a big part of everyone's life). Christianity is about being in relationships - with God, most importantly of course, but with others as well. community is a popular word in the context of the church. i am called to be in community and in relationship with those around me - friends, family, even strangers. i am called to love. okay, sure this is pretty easily done. or is it?

i am struck lately by how easy it is to damage relationships. more than that, i am becoming more and more aware of how often my sins, my faults, my failures, my weaknesses, get in the way of building and developing relationships. for me it is pretty easy to love someone. let me rephrase that. it is pretty easy for me to have feelings of love for someone. it is extremely difficult for me to express and demonstrate selfless love for others. sin always creeps in and corrupts what is meant for good.

i know this all sounds simplistic and obvious. but, i am still learning. i am still learning, first of all, what my faults are and how they get in the way of relationships. second, i am still learning how to grow beyond those faults and prevent them from being harmful.

but we have this perfect example of God's love for us through the gift of Jesus Christ. Jesus loved perfectly. i need to die to my self, so that Christ's love can live through me. there is no love apart from God. "we love because He first loved us."

a book in a day.

i am not a huge reader by any means, at least not in comparison to my sisters. but i do enjoy reading. i am the type that either gets so sucked into a book that i can't put it down, or i won't read it at all. the other day i noticed a book on my parents coffee table - it was opened up to about the middle of the book with the pages down - so i picked it up to see what book it was to determine who i thought was reading it. 'just do something' by kevin de young. it could have been either of my parents really, but seeing as it was found on the coffee table and not by the "throne" (as jay has recently labeled the chair my dad sits in), i could safely assume it was being read by my mom. so i picked it up to analyze the cover a bit more, since i as i have confessed in the past, i do judge books by their covers. the cover offered more explanation: a liberating approach to finding God's will. that alone got my attention. i have thought a lot in the past few years about God's will and have had many conversations with various people about God's will in general, but God's will for my life more specifically. plus i have already read a kevin de young book in the past and appreciate his writing style but also the content that he offers. with the exception of the few pages i read that day, i read the entire thing today. what says recommendation more than that?

so i could try to sum up all the great things he has to say, but it would be a failed attempted. i could just say, hey go read the book, but you might not. so for your benefit, and mine since i want to look back at things from it, i will leave you with some of his words...

(possibly my favorite part) "the question God cares about most is not 'where should i live?' but 'do i love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, and do i love my neighbor as myself?'"

(in reference to him praying about whether to stay at his church or take another call) "i prayed a lot about the decision. but i didn't ask God to tell me what to do. so what did i pray for? i prayed that God would make me honest in my interviews. i prayed that i would see a true picture of this church and that they would see a true picture of me. i prayed mostly that my heart would be right, that i wouldn't be motivated by pride - either to stay because it was a big church or to move because i could be the senior pastor. i prayed that i wouldn't make a decision based on fear: 'what if i fail as a senior pastor?' 'what if everyone in iowa gets mad at me for going?' or pleasing people: 'i don't want t let down the search committee that's been working at this for so long.' (and here comes the best part...) i prayed that i would make a decision based on faith, hope, and love - and not the praise of man and greed and selfish ambition. in other words, i prayed that i would be following God's will of desire rather than praying to figure out His will of direction."

"first, God's will is that we live holy, set-apart lives...second, we are to always rejoice, pray, and give thanks...third, we are to know God's will so we can bear fruit and know Him better...fourth, the will of God is to be filled with the Holy Spirit...simply put, God's will is your growth in Christlikness."

genesis 21-25

they are familiar stories to most of us. abraham and sarah finally have a son together (despite both of their old age), whom they name isaac. but before we know it, God instructs abraham to take his son and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. we all know how it goes - abraham, with incredible faith and obedience to God, follows his command and takes his son up the mountain to be sacrificed. at the last minute, with isaac tied up and bound to the altar, God stops abraham from harming his son and instead provides a ram to be sacrificed. it is a very familiar story that much could be said about.

while i read it this morning i began to think about isaac. not necessarily isaac as a person, but what isaac represents. abraham and sarah greatly desired to have children (a child) together. it started to seem impossible as they grew older. in fact, when sarah heard that she would have a child, she laughed because it seemed that ridiculous and that impossible. yet God had made a covenant with abraham that his descendants would be as many as the stars in the sky. God, of course, follows through on his promise with the surprising birth of isaac. isaac is greatly treasured and adored - their only son after much waiting.

God tests abraham. when asked to give up something that he values most, abraham obeys without hesitation. what is his reward? not only does he get to keep isaac, but God will bless him beyond imagination. abraham put God first, despite his love for isaac.

what (or who) is my "isaac"? would i be as faithful and obedient as abraham if God asked me to give it up, or if he simply took it away? sometimes i have a tendency to hold on to things or people too tightly, and can be tempted to place their value above God in my life. but if i obey God and keep Him as the number one in my life, i will find that not only may i be able to keep that thing which i value, but also be blessed even beyond what i imagine.

#19, in progress: genesis 1-5

after deciding on the 19th item of my '30 by 30' list (read through the old testament), i marked september 1st as the day i would start. why couldn't i just start immediately? i don't know, i am weird like that. so tuesday i sat down at my computer and scheduled out my reading assigments on google calendar for the next 7 months. 5 chapters a day as the goal brings me to march 4th. i have 18 days as a buffer before i turn 30 on the 23rd. i know there may be a day here or there in which i don't get to the reading (to be completely honest). but more then that, i want to give myself the opportunity to take longer if i so desire to read and reflect deeper on certain passages.

today is the day, genesis 1-5. such familiar passages to most of us (even non-believers who have heard anything of creation, adam and eve, and the beginnings of noah). a few weeks ago i was admiring my sister's project with my nephews - making a visual of creation. she had each day sectioned out as a square and images painted of what happened on that "day". as i looked at it i became more and more ashamed of how much i forgot in regard to creation. i couldn't say what happened on which day. how many times did i learn that in elementary school and sunday school only to forget it now?

like i said, i don't want to rush through any of the readings. otherwise it will just go in one ear and out the other, as the expression goes. as i read these first few chapters of the bible i was struck by a number of details. i realize how vague a lot of the details are, how much is left to the imagination. i think this has been the root of a lot of questions and divisions among people in considering exactly how the creation story played out. i would be lying if i said i weren't a bit curious myself.

by the second verse of the second chapter i already have a question. it says "now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." what waters? on the first day God creates light and dark, but note that the sun, moon and stars are not created until day four. what produced the light on the first day? i know, anything is possible. we are talking about an indescribable God here. this reminds me of the video series by louie giglio. in either 'how great is our God' or 'indescribable', giglio points out that while we think we would want to have been there to witness it, we would not want to be there when light poured out of God's mouth at (insert large number here) light years per second. my questions could go on and on. who is cain married to, when his wife is referenced in chapter 4? i assume it had to be a sister, though not mentioned specifically as adam and eve's child, since there were no other humans. the questions could go on and on, but i won't dwell on them. they don't need answers in order for me to have faith, or for my faith to grow.

i am struck by one thing that carries into my every day and can be applied to my life (not limited to one thing, of course, but one thing at this moment). time. our concept of time is so limited. notice the years lived by adam and his decendents - 930, 912, 905, 910, etc. notice when many of them had their first child - 130, 105, 90, 70, etc. creation in 7 days (6 since the last day was rest). 130 years for adam to have a child. my view of time is so limited and so skewed.

lately i have been struggling with time in my life. to be perfectly honest, i didn't think i would be where i am now when i was 18 years old. even at 22 when i graduated college, i didn't imagine my life as it is now. i can get frustrated with feeling like i am almost 30 and haven't even really started my life yet (by societal standards). if it were up to me, i would have landed a comfortable and enjoyable joy by now. i would probably be married and have a child or two, even a dog. i wouldn't be living with my parents and be going back to school with very unstable finances. it isn't what i projected for myself. it might not always be what i want even now.

but it is part of God's plan, with His timing. what society tells me i should be doing doesn't matter. where i feel like i should be by now doesn't even matter. He has me in His hands and is bringing me to where He wants me to be. He is using each and every person and experience to shape me. my life hasn't not started (sorry for the double negative). my life has been going for almost 30 years and this is just a small part of it. but it is here and it is now, and i embrace it. it may not always be what i expected or think is best for me, but it is exactly what God wants for me and knows is best for me.

#26

jay and i pulled into their driveway a little bit after 8pm last night - running "fashionably late" - and were so warmly welcomed into the lovely home of frank and erica delalla (frank is jay's pastor and long time friend) for our double date game night. their two beautiful children, julia and franky, were already in bed so that after a little bit of chit chat and laughter we could start our game of monopoly.

the first hour or so we played sitting on the ground around the living room coffee table. but eventually our bodies complained - our butts were numb, my feet fell asleep from sitting on them, backs were aching - and we moved the game to the dining room table. we went from playing nicely with each other as we considerately didn't buy what we know our competitor wanted to buying whatever we landed on in order to bargain and deal later. pizza rolls and mini tacos were followed up with brownies. the more we filled out stomachs the more we wanted to satisfy our greed as we built houses and hotels and collected as much rent as possible.

erica quickly took control of the game as she owned all four railroads. jay and i split the most desirable locations - he had the boardwalk and i had park avenue. but frank was strategically putting house after house on all of his streets. jail became a desired destination because for a few turns it kept us safe from having to pay our opponents. deals were being made right and left, but soon most of mine were made just so that i could survive. frank discovered that despite our initial thoughts, the treasure chest and chance cards do not always have positive results. suddenly i was out of money and was left to the role of the banker. even though jay now had possession of both the boardwalk and park place, he soon had spent all of his money and given everything away. it was down to erica (who owned just about everything, having collected both my and jay's locations) and frank. despite her sweet and generous attempts, erica cleaned frank out of all his money too and became the winner of the evening.

two and a half hours later, i had completed number 26 of my '30 by 30' list - we had completed a game of monopoly, which i don't think i had ever had the patience to do before. it didn't matter that i lost. we had a good time with a great couple and had barely spent any money at all! so thanks to erica, frank, and jay for a wonderful evening and for being a part of my '30 by 30'!

my apologies for this internet photo. i was planning on taking a photo of each of the 30 items, but i partly forgot and tiredness had kicked in. you get the idea.

just Jill.

i thought i would just take a minute to explain the title of my blog, just jill. i guess i never did. well, better late than never?

i suppose it could be interpreted in a variety of ways. the first one isn't an intentional meaning but it still works now that i am thinking about it. i am "just jill", no spouse or kids or family unit. of course my family (both immediate and extended) is a big part of me, so in a lot of ways i am a package deal. you can't really experience me without my family - it just doesn't happen.

the second and intentional meaning behind it is quite simple. my name is "just jill". i do not have a middle name and jill is not short for a longer first name (such as jillian). i am literally just jill.

the third, but also intentional meaning, has to do more with who i am. i am nothing fancy or complicated. i am not trying to be something or someone that i am not. i am not going to try to impress you with words or outer appearance or anything of the sort. it doesn't take much to make me smile or for me to have a good time. so in this way, i am just jill.

much ado about nothing.

this has nothing to do with shakespeare's comedy, much ado about nothing. in fact, this post (or any post for that matter) has very little to do about anything at all - hence, much ado about nothing. so on that note, i will jump right into it...into nothing...

lately i find myself battling two extremes: pride and inadequacy (not feeling good enough). the two may seem so opposite that they couldn't possibly co-exist, and yet they stem from the same root and even appear to thrive off of each other. both are rooted in sin and reflect a skewed perspective of our relationship with and to God.

pride is sinful because it takes our focus off of God and shifts it to ourselves. we take credit for things we have no right to. all that we are and all that we do is a gift from God. our ability to live and breath and work and learn and play and so on and so forth - it is all from God. there is another avenue of pride that is equally as sinful. it can be seen in how we relate to others and our tendency to judge. this kind of pride is harmful as it puts divisions between us. it often creates an "us" and "them" attitude. pride needs to die inside of me.

inadequacy, for lack of a better word at the moment, and that feeling of not being good enough is sinful because it belittle's God and His power. it neglects to see and accept grace; it forgets the work of Jesus and His death on the cross. the truth is that we are not good enough, my ourselves. but because of Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit, we are good enough. each of us has weaknesses but when we work together for His kingdom, we overcome each others weaknesses and help each other grow and strengthen them.

humility is a lifelong lesson, for me at least. humility allows us to be confident in Christ.

here i am, humbled by Your majesty

covered by Your grace so free.

here i am, knowing i'm a sinful man

covered by the blood of the Lamb

now i've found the greatest love of all is mine

since You laid down Your life,

the greatest sacrifice

majesty, majesty

Your grace has found me just as i am

empty handed by alive in Your hands

we sing

majesty, majesty

forever i am changed by Your love

in the beauty of Your majesty

here i am, humbled by the love that You give

forgiven so that i can forgive.

so here i stand, knowing that i'm Your desire

sanctified by glory and fire.

now i've found the greatest love of all is mine

since You laid down Your life,

the greatest sacrifice

majesty, majesty

Your grace has found me just as i am

empty handed by alive in Your hands

we sing

majesty, majesty

forever i am changed by Your love

in the beauty of Your majesty

("majesty" - hillsong united)

more nothingness - some photos from kayaking yesterday at monksville reservoir with jay

starting september 1st i am going to begin item #19 on my '30 by 30' list, reading through the old testament. i cannot promise a daily blog, but i do intend to share reflections as i journey through those books which all point to Jesus.

in reverse order, cause that's how it seems to work...

shepherds lake

yankee game with botbyls and sikkema kids, and jay

what a view, what a stadium

times square

jackie, drew, keith and emily - family is a blessing

the chrysler building

world trade center reconstruction in progress

palm trees in rockefeller center, a little bit different than the christmas decor i am used to seeing in december

keith and emiliy were engaged on the ice about 3 1/2 years ago, their first time back

the music in my head...

songs and tunes randomly pop into my head all of the time. most of the time i have no idea where it comes from but suddenly i am humming or singing a song. it doesn't usually have a connection to anything that i am doing or thinking or talking about. a friend of mine just told me yesterday that lately i just start singing one of the main songs from home alone. it has happened a few times and i didn't even realize i was doing it. but oftentimes it is a hymn that pops up. not necessarily a common hymn that i would have sang recently but a much older one that i may recall from growing up in the CRC church. i can't help but wonder, what is going on in my brain at that moment when it happens? does God get into my head and make me recall words and melodies that are meant for me at that moment?

we recently sang a new song at restore that seems to have stuck in my head. it pops into my head at least once a day, if not more. there must be a reason for that, right? here it is...

You are good, You are good

when there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

on display for all to see

You are light, You are light

when the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

when my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that i sing

You are life, You are life

in You death has lost its sting

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more

than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

all creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

in Your presence i'm made whole

You are God, You are God

of all else i'm letting go

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

my heart will sing

no other name

Jesus, Jesus

oh, i'm running to Your arms

i'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

light of the world forever reign

(forever reign - jason ingram, ruben morgan)

30 by 30:

here is my list so far - obviously it is a work in progress. feel free to add your suggestions. i will be adding to it over time, as i am inspired.

1. visit a new state (progress on my goal to travel to all 50 states, not counting just driving thru a state)

2. make bbq pulled pork

3. learn to play the guitar (learn more than the few chords i know now, and play them decently well)

4. go see the mets at citi field

5. read the chronicles of narnia

6. train to run a 5k - possibly the susan g. komen race for a cure in the spring

7. bake an apple pie with self-picked orchard apples

8. picnic in a park, picnic basket and all

9. go to the top of the rocks, top of the empire state building, or top of the statue of liberty in nyc

10. build a snowman - i am sure i did this as a kid, but it has been a long time

11. take up kickboxing at a local gym or martial arts studio

12. weekend trip to boston with my sisters

13. get a haircut (not just a trim) / wear my hair down for those who always beg me to

14. move into the downstairs bedroom, finally - this requires some cooperation from my parents

15. write each of my nieces/nephews a letter for their "baby" books

16. go to a comedy club - preferably see brian regan or kevin james

17. learn to make mom's lasagna, the best lasagna i have ever had, despite our non-italian roots

18. ice skate on wollman's rink in central park

19. read thru the old testament

20. volunteer time/abilities to help a victim (or more than one) of hurricane irene

21. invite someone to church with me (someone who doesn't usually go to church)

22. write a letter every month and send one package to my world vision child, yonatan in the dominican republic

23. go on a camping/kayaking weekend

24. get a real philly cheesesteak and spend a day (at minimum) in philadelphia

25. meet up somewhere with friends (emo and val) for a 30th birthday celebration/reunion - anyone else turning 30 care to join? this may have to happen after my technical birthday, but considering we will be coming from new jersey, michigan and washington state, i think some flexibility in that should be allowed

*26. play and complete an entire game of monopoly (i don't think i have ever done this) - 08/25/2011 with jason formicola, frank & erica delalla

27. attend a symphony orchestra concert

28. host/coordinate (using my parents house of course) sunday dinner with the family once a month

29. participate in and sell things at a fall family yard sale

in progress...

i am/will be working on a list of 30 things to do before i turn 30. however, i am also open to suggestions (particularly from those who have already turned 30 and have great advice on this matter). or should it be things to do before and during my 30th year, therefore giving me up until i turn 31 and offering more time? that is also flexible, but i think i should stick with 30 things to do before i turn 30. why didn't i start this earlier seeing as i only have about 8 months to go??!!

lacking a thesis...

if someone stopped you right now at this very second and asked you to share what exactly is on your mind, what you are thinking, would you be able to do it? (let's assume that the person asking you is someone you are close to and comfortable sharing such information) i'm not very good at this. i think i have moments where my mind is juggling dozens of different "ideas" at once and it is hard to separate any individual one to share. then there are moments (much less often) when i simply am not thinking about anything. i like these moments. i think it is at those times that i am most living in the present - i can just be there in that time and place without my head getting in the way.

i have been unemployed for several months now. sounds wonderful and enjoyable to some, and of course there are many times when it is and has its advantages. but at the same time, especially for someone like me who likes to feel productive and purposeful, it can leave me feeling a bit empty and anxious. for the most part, though, it has allowed me to have a lot of moments where i am not thinking about much of anything and simply being and living in the here and now. but that doesn't mean that my mind has been without thoughts. while it can be hard for me to separate and pull out individual thoughts, i will try to dig out a few...

- i didn't have to travel to places like kenya and ghana to realize how blessed and privileged i am. i am not just referring to financial blessings or opportunities but also recognizing how good and easy i have it. sometimes i am overwhelmed by all of life's many blessings. i don't have to look very far to see people around me who are struggling with very real and deep hardships. this is not to say that i don't have struggles or haven't experienced difficult times of my own. but what do i have to complain about? i know that these blessings are from God and are given to me to be used for His glory. i cannot simply recognize them and be thankful for them (though it is important that i do that as well). i need to use them. am i using them as much as i could?

- God knows what He is doing. i am 29 years old and am only just now going back to school and starting a program that will eventually (if it is God's will) lead to my career. sometimes i feel like jonah - avoiding what God is calling me to, usually out of fear and insecurity, but sometimes distracted by other temptations. i don't consider the past few years at all a waste of time - i don't regret them. but it feels good to be heading on a track that i feel God calling me to. every day i need to throw my plans and desires away and align them with God's will for me. only then do i truly feel content.

- God is bigger and greater than i realize. last week jay and i were laying out on a hammock as we were admiring the starry night sky when i mentioned to him a video by louie giglio called 'indescribable'. louie shows incredible images of the stars and galaxies and other phenomenons in outer space while talking about our amazing Creator. so on saturday we borrowed a dvd from liesl called 'how great is our God', the follow up to 'indescribable'. he shares that if the earth were a golf ball, the sun would be a ball 15 feet in diameter. he moves on to a few other stars even bigger and grander, all pointing to how big the universe is, far beyond what we imagine. it takes approximately 8 minutes for the suns light to reach us at earth. does that sound like a lot? it is actually very short in time considering how many light years away the sun is from our planet. my mind is still grasping the information that louie shared. he also talks about laminin, a protein in the body that holds things together. if you look up an image of laminin, its structure is in the shape of a cross. i don't even have the words to express how powerful the combination of the images and louie giglio's words were for me as we watched it. the words of a song sung yesterday at restore come to my heart and mind:

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

who was and is and is to come

with all creation i sing praise to the King of Kings

You are my everything and i will adore you

(revelation song)

no longer MIA

i am slightly embarrassed at the length of my absence. i intended to take a short break after 40 days of writing but before i knew it the calendar suddenly said it is july. it is hard for me to sum up the past several weeks in words. i finished up my first semester back at school and also completed a summer session course. recently i officially received my letter of acceptance into the physical therapy assistant program. another year of volunteering as a high school youth group leader wrapped up for a summer "break" (do you ever completely break from such a role? i don't think so). college friends returned from their various destinations. i've spent a lot of time in montvale (and surrounding towns) bowling, biking, mini-golfing, swinging in the batting cages, movie-watching, shooting pool, taking walks, shooting hoops, playing xbox and wii, etc etc with a very special someone. i celebrated many birthdays, including mama's 80th and hudson's 3rd on a wonderful week-long vacation to the outer banks. i witnessed two beautiful weddings.

i could go on and on in a list of all that has happened in my absence but i would never remember everything. to sum it up, though, the past several weeks have included countless reminders of God's incredible blessings. He is very much at work in my life in all sorts of dimensions. i am humbled at His love, faithfulness, and desire to have a relationship with someone as flawed as myself.

some photos for your viewing pleasure...in reverse order because, well, that is the way it seems to want to work for me tonight...

sister shots are always a must

hammocking with the "someone special", jay

father/daughter, devin and uncle tom

one of hudson's many birthday gifts - greta, devin, hudson, elizabeth

hudson and alex took quite a liking to "boogie boarding", before alex's wipe out

sunset sky over the evergreen landscape

a beautiful dragonfly mama and i discovered on our morning walk

gsp dare carnival

melting ice cream got pretty messy on a hot evening

very typical alex concentration and seriousness

beautiful flowers from jay

the lake at bear mountain